xinicit

xinicit, 1 day ago to random

“I’m doing hot girl shit,” I murmur. I turn on the stove and use the flame to light my cigarette. My NyQuil has been chilled, and then poured over ice. I take a sip, savoring the flavor of desperation. Outside my window, the Roombas pile up. Soon the glass will break, and I will be swept away.

xinicit, 1 day ago to random

My fursona is just me, but with less coarse back hair.

xinicit, 1 day ago to random

Gonna give up on sex and focus on learning to play the musical saw and spit tobacco with deadly accuracy.

xinicit, 2 days ago to random

They never mention in the Bible if Lazarus died again. I like to think he’s running a little bodega full of cats, and that he’s converted to Zoroastrianism.

xinicit, 2 days ago to random

Me: Coping with loneliness by trying to find horny sounding letter combinations in my alphabet soup
Alphabet Soup: I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND

xinicit, 3 days ago to random

The lawn care companies that service my neighborhood are engaged in a vicious turf war.

xinicit, 3 days ago to random

Everyday I have to choose between drinking water and mummification and I’m frickin’ tired of it.

xinicit, 3 days ago to random

People joke about having sex with donuts, but people don’t really talk about how your life can change if you get a donut pregnant.

xinicit, 5 days ago to random

Got kicked out of the Fight Club house for adding ylang ylang to the soap.

xinicit, 5 days ago to random

Got kicked out of the mall for convincing a bunch of kids at Hot Topic to prove they were real Goths by sacking Rome.

xinicit, 7 days ago to random

The worst thing you can hear as a crime scene tech is “bring a ladle.”

xinicit, 7 days ago to random

There is nothing wrong with me that burrowing into the earth and hibernating until my prophesied return wouldn’t fix.

xinicit, 7 days ago to random

The nice thing about getting drunk before I put my cpap on is that the mask and spinning sensation lets me pretend that I’m a fighter pilot who has lost control of their jet and that I’m going to die.

xinicit, 8 days ago to random

Girl, are you an after school special? Because I feel like you could teach me an important lesson about why I shouldn’t get in a stranger’s car!

xinicit, 8 days ago to random

Girl, are you the last vial of antivenom for a species of snake that was previously thought to be extinct? Because I feel like I’ll die if I can’t get you in the next 12 minutes!

xinicit, 8 days ago to random

Girl, are you 8 hours of restorative sleep? Because I’d love to get you!

xinicit, 8 days ago to random

Girl, are you disposable income? Because I’m working as hard as I can and you still seem out of reach!

xinicit, 8 days ago to random

A store that sells occult supplies and fried chicken: Gizzard Wizards

xinicit, 8 days ago to random

The difference between mastodon and tiktok is that mastodon is for shouting into the void and tiktok is for staring into the abyss.

xinicit, 8 days ago to random

When you get old, you will find yourself sticking a pillow between your legs for reasons that don’t start out as sexual.

xinicit, 8 days ago to random

Everyone knows about Russian roulette, but people forget about Belarusian Bingo.

xinicit, 8 days ago to random

It seems the only way to get attention anymore is to tell people about your parasites.

xinicit, 8 days ago to random

The owner of this Chinese buffet is watching me eat like they’re casino security and I’m counting cards.

xinicit, 9 days ago to random

Confirmed: RFK Jr is the living embodiment of a bottle of tequila.

xinicit, 9 days ago to random

If you ever find yourself being chased by a Spice Girl, it’s very important that you run in a zig-a-zag-ah.