How best to handle "Unsafe usage of new static()" PHPStan errors

As a Drupal module developer, if you're as big of a fan of PHPStan as I am, then you'll no doubt have run across the Unsafe usage of new static() error that PHPStan throws when analyzing code at level 0. In this article I will describe what causes this error and provide four possible solutions, weighing the pros and cons of each.