Oh, you want to host HTTPS? Install a self-signed certificate into Apache with certbot and Let's Encrypt. (That mumbo jumbo is the easy part, and is the same as Windows. But here's where it takes a turn...)
Oh, you want to install certbot? First, install snapd, a whole other framework for installing dependencies because apparently the one built into the OS isn't good enough.
Oh, snapd is mysteriously failing? Get to google, son.
Oh, Google has enshittified and there are no relevant results? Ahahaha 💩
So, anyway, apparently the answer was that at one obscure point in the process, I was supposed to type the word "socket" where every other service I've ever installed needed the word "service" and I didn't notice the difference. That's two hours of my life I'm never getting back.
