How does a SO feel different from a very good friend?

Dating is odd to me. I do not really know what my motivations are. If I actually find someone. What then? What will we do? How different will our relationship be from a regular friendship (besides you know what). And should it be?

Should you be wanting to do other things with your SO then a very good friend?

What I’m getting at is, have you ever thought to someone: “They don’t really want a relationship they just want a one particular friend with benefits.”

I don’t know if I’m rambling over here. But I’m really having difficulty digesting this one.

Edit: The reason I ask is because I’m thinking to start dating again but I don’t know my end goal.

DeltaTangoLima,
@DeltaTangoLima@reddrefuge.com avatar

To me, the key difference is just how much you can be yourself around that person, without any feeling of self consciousness or shame. Even with very good friends, there are still things about yourself (physical or otherwise) that you don’t let them see.

Also, my wife IS my best friend.

Kolanaki,
@Kolanaki@yiffit.net avatar

I feel like a good SO is just a best friend with benefits. Someone you can do all the same stuff as a bestie with, and feel the same way around, but you also are sexually attracted and fuck.

Pulptastic,

It is very individual. For me, our first date felt like we’ve been hanging out forever already. I was super comfortable with them and vice versa. Bedroom compatibility helped, but I feel that 95% of that is they were my first partner to really communicate what they wanted. We also have very similar values in religion, politics, and how to approach life so there aren’t any deal breakers. Similar taste in music helps too, we each introduce the other to cool new stuff but also have our own things the other doesn’t like and we’re respectful about that and avoid playing it when the other is around.

It’s not all duckies and bunnies, we do disagree on stuff, but we’re both reasonable humans who look out for each other so come up with solutions as they come up.

nugmeister64,

I’m not sure about you, but the best partner I could ever think of is one that is also your best friend; they are easy to talk to, comfortable to be with, you can joke with them, appreciate the world with them, and generally see them as your best friend, with the layer of also feeling profound physical, emotional, and (possibly) sexual intimacy. You genuinely love each other in the most pure sense of the word and can depend on each other more certainly than anyone else, because you can share anything with them, because they are your closest friend in the world.

However, most of it depends on what you want. Simply think about what you want most in a partner, and then look for that. Are you looking for someone who is also figuring out what to do in their love life? Do you need someone to push you in a direction? You have far more agency in your choices than you think you do.

Perhaps first, you should meditate on what you are looking for before you begin seeking it.

Toneswirly,

Intimacy, whether its shared via sex with a partner or deep connection via friendship, manifests much stronger and more complex emotions.

Things you wouldnt care about become more important. Do i have this persons trust, do they love me back, why do they do that one thing with their teeth?!

smigao,

I don’t try to fuck my friends hah. I can sit for hours with my SO and not utter a word and just do my shit. I don’t have to be on and allowed to be irritable.

chicken,

Well basically love is a form of psychosis where someone becomes the most important thing to you and your whole reality bends around that. You feel a deep abiding satisfaction and comfort just being in their presence or hearing their voice. Your personal identity becomes secondary to your shared identity as a couple and your connection to them is a core part of your emotional state and thought process. Anything that contradicts being with or caring for them is basically impossible to even think. This can be really wonderful or really horrible depending on the circumstances.

ken_cleanairsystems,
@ken_cleanairsystems@lemmy.sdf.org avatar

This sounds more like infatuation than love, TBH.

chicken,

The way I see it infatuation is just the surface feeling, love is when it becomes a more permanent core motivation and foundation of what you do and think. What do you think the difference is?

ken_cleanairsystems,
@ken_cleanairsystems@lemmy.sdf.org avatar

Some of the things you mentioned in your first comment really point to infatuation to me, like your perseonal identity becoming secondary to a shared identity, and “Anything that contradicts being with or caring for them is basically impossible to even think.” These sound like elements of an unhealthy relationship.

chicken, (edited )

Why are those things necessarily unhealthy? I phrased it in a negative way to emphasize that love can be unhealthy, but having a shared life/identity, being devoted to a person beyond rationality, if these things aren’t present I’m not sure how it would qualify as love at all.

The point is that, good or bad, love is overwhelming and all encompassing.

thorbot,

You’re overthinking it. It starts as good friends and grows from there. You don’t have to know how it works right now. Just find someone who you work well with and go from there.

kometes,
@kometes@lemmy.world avatar

You get a teammate for your battles against the world, and benefits.

algorithmae,

You can bone them regularly without making things awkward

caseyweederman,

Clearly you’re only friends with boring people

Acamon,

Yeah, I’d say SO generally are like great friends (with benefits), but often, over time you end up doing so much stuff with them that they eclipse any other individual friend. And eventually (especially if you end up living together) they become such a part of your day to day life they can begin to feel like an extension of yourself (or rather, that you’re both part of one being) and it’s hard to live with out them. I remember laughing at my dad for wanting to phone my mum everyday when he was away on business. I’d be like “what do you even have to talk about? You see each other all the time” But now, if I had a day where I didn’t at least message with my partner I’d feel so isolated.

Professorozone,

Opinions vary, but it’s my opinion out of all the things two people need to be compatible, friendship is by far the most important. At best sex only lasts, what eight to ten hours, the rest of the time you need a friend. When you are younger, you may be doing it all over the house but when you’re older things typically slow down or there may be times when someone is injured, tired, stuck at work, whatever. In those times understanding, compassion, commiseration and cooperation are important. If your partner is your best friend, you’re never lonely and you can share things. It’s so much harder when you have very little in common with your partner.

Guess I’m rambling now, but this is how I see it.

Good luck to you.

thorbot,

Sex only lasts 8 to 10 hours? Are you a fucking Viagra spokesperson?

Nollij,

He said “At best”.

It’s not so unreasonable if you have an open interpretation of what counts as sex. Certainly PiV penetration won’t last that long by itself. But if you count foreplay, the afterglow, and subsequent sessions all as one, it becomes reasonable, especially in your 20s.

thorbot,

What the fuck is with this thread and all the insane people saying with seriousness that sex last 8 hours… I can’t handle it

Professorozone,

OK, perhaps I was exaggerating a bit. Perhaps it’s more like 10 to 12, but the point still remains that you have to occupy the rest of that time and it’s best if you have a good friend to do that with.

Devi,

I think for me, relationships are having a good friend with benefits.

I’ve had a few serious relationships and at the time I’ve felt like they’re the person I want to do things with, not ‘things’, just things.

warmaster,

It’s when there’s so much love, the SO becomes family.

bizzle,
@bizzle@lemmy.world avatar

Homies are family too, third cousins get outta here

rhythmisaprancer,
rhythmisaprancer avatar

I'm not sure I have much to add here other then a little experience. I've had a date tell me "there's nothing there" and realized later that they wanted more than a friend. I am fairly old and have realized that I may not have much to give, romantically. That's fine! But you have to find someone who wants that, also. Myself, I am not really a dater. But if you can see that some people want something more than a friend, more than a friend and sex, you may find where you fit in. I am still working on that. Not easy, but I am also pretty happy on my own. It is good, and healthy, to work on you, and this post is part of that I think. Be well!

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