Trying to recoop after getting triggered last night from something completely insignificant
To my #CPTSD it was the end of the world and I just collapsed mentally hyperly aware of how ridiculous it would look to anyone else not feeling what my nervous system was feeling
This is my life as a #TraumaSurvivor and today I'm paying for it with 11/10 physical pain
Within seconds I went from being excited for my #RFF stream
After fighting for that excitement for 48 hrs at least, prepping for the promotional stuff more than 24 hours before
Fighting through my #trauma around self advocacy yesterday morning - something I've had to fight daily since I was laid off in January last year with urgency clawing at my heels
"If you stop your family dies, if you rest your family is gone"
My whole body was shaken and in terror, my mind unable to comprehend wtf is happening
"what's the big deal"
"nothing is happening"
Trying desperately to pull myself together to wait just 5-10 minutes to do what I need to do, gather up the resources to mask and make a #comfy space for anyone who would be there for my music
Fighting voices saying "no one cares, your music is stupid, this is useless, they just pity you, you're a fuck up"
I collapsed and fell apart at the seams within 15 minutes time
While I'm sure the people witnessing the events from the outside had no clue, while feeling ashamed and too broken to explain but also untrusting that they would understand while my #trauma demonizes everyone to "keep me safe"
It hurts and I try to reach out to friends for help, again my mind attacks me because they understandably can't answer within seconds
My present is at a constant battle with my past this is life with #CPTSD
Imagine knowing things that can help your depression and #SuicidalIdeation but not having the means to even do those things because you're facing #eviction#poverty & #disabled
Now imagine being responsible for someone else's quality of life and knowing what would help them too and same issues
This video explains the dangerous loop of depression but I can't even do these things because to help me cope with #CPTSD#MutualAid Saves lives Mutual Aid is #SuicidePrevention
Today a fantastic therapist I follow on Insta and on #Youtube posted about oversharing - something that a lot of #ChildhoodTrauma survivors struggle with when navigating life
I'm very much the opposite
I've always hidden most of myself - I mask heavily because being myself was always dangerous for me and Mom too
For a long time I didn't know I had #depression muchless #CPTSD until someone else shared their struggles
Sometimes I'm failing to keep myself from drowning and that's when my inner world leaks out of the mask, when I start acting out, when the pain has become too much
I've mastered looking okay for survival but as my father left us when I was 16 this survival mechanism became excessively dangerous for me
If you have ever filled out a diagnostic questionnaire, which questions bugged you (and why) & which did you think were missing?
You can also answer privately, if you want.
I'm am starting to collect questions and ideas in order to optimise diagnostic tools.
Please add, which diagnosis you're referring to and which language the questionnaire was in.
It doesn't matter which one it is, here are just some examples: #ADHD#autism#depression#PTSD#cPTSD#DID#anxiety
Dalilah was my mom's only companion when I was out working 13-14 hrs a day, a bulk of that was travel on 3-4 buses
From 2015-2021 Mom only had Dalilah to talk with and she gave her so much joy and warmth
Mom's not been the same since we had to say goodbye 03.11.22 Mom knew my bun was sick but didn't understand she wasn't going to wake up again that afternoon until it happened...