mariyadelano, 3 months ago

This person literally has contracts signed with me guaranteeing that we will keep working together

They were on call with me for more than 2 hours just yesterday.

They’ve proven time and time again how dedicated they are and how much they do care and want to be around me and work with me.

But because I didn’t wake up to any message notifications this morning, my mental illness is telling me they abandoned me.

This sucks!
#BPD #mentalllness #personalityDisorder #mentalHealth

mariyadelano, 3 months ago

If you’ve ever heard of borderlines being manipulative, let me explain why this happens because I’m fighting that impulse right now:

1. My brain thinks person doesn’t care about me because they aren’t talking to me right now and today

2. I feel lonely, sad, abandoned, rejected

3. I want to check they haven’t decided to hate me since yesterday

4. My brain is telling me to message them something urgent.

5. I want to manufacture urgency

#BPD #mentalllness #personalityDisorder #mentalHealth

mariyadelano, 3 months ago

Like many borderlines I am very impulsive.

My brain is deciding right now that it’s life or death that I test this person and that I must message them RIGHT NOW and make that message something they can’t possibly ignore.

And that sense of danger wants me to ignore how irrational, distorted, and frankly selfish the impulse is.

I feel myself itching to do it.

And my treatment involves me noticing the cycle and NOT acting on it

#BPD #mentalllness #personalityDisorder #mentalHealth

mariyadelano, 3 months ago

The reason I’m telling all of you this is partially to educate on my disorder, but also because publicly admitting to my harmful coping mechanisms and thought patterns keeps me aware and accountable.

And the only way for me to get better is to keep forcing myself to recognize all the irrational conclusions and cycles that my brain traps me in.

So… thank you for listening.

#BPD #mentalllness #personalityDisorder #mentalHealth