fracture

@fracture@beehaw.org

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fracture,

i had to google this because i am not a tiktok-er, and apparently women (? sample size?) are commonly stating that they would rather encounter a bear than a man if they were alone in the woods

interesting point that men often also chose the bear for the question of if they would rather have their wife / daughter stuck in the woods with a bear or a man, so that says a lot about men, as well, i think

we can derive some other mildly interesting points from this, like viewing sexual violence as potentially worse than non-sexual but fatal violence. or like, that one might have to live with societal judgement of having been sexually assaulted because there’s still a lot of assumptions that you initiated it somehow (rape culture) vs people universally having sympathy for the victim of an animal attack

overall, the unfortunate reality is that women generally view men or people who look like men as dangerous. i’m a transgender man and i’ve observed this phenomenon in a very real way as women have gone from generally friendly or neutral to detached. it sucks, but it’s not personal

however, if this really bothers you, there are actually some things you can do to help women feel more comfortable around you. this is not like… a guarantee. at the end of the day, you’re gonna have to live with jumpscaring some women if you round a corner too quick at them. that’s how life is. but, if you want to give them some signs you are not a violent person, not as a way to trick them into trusting you, but as a genuine attempt to help them feel safe:

if you change your style to be more feminine, even in subtle ways, like wearing a pink shirt or pink shoes. if you have a man purse. you don’t really need to go full femme but if you express yourself in a way that makes you look like someone secure in your masculinity (actual), it will help women understand you’re not really a threat

which i think, generally, reflects that women understand that patriarchy isn’t about men as a whole, but rather that most men haven’t confronted the ideas they were raised with in order to “be a man”, and those are the dangerous ideas they need to avoid to be safe

i think there is also an idea that expressing yourself as a softer or more feminine man will make it harder for you to get laid, and i think this may be true. however, i would suggest that women who only wanna fuck you because you’re traditionally masculine are not really the women you wanna be fucking, because they’re (probably) going to bring their own ideas of toxic masculinity to enforce on you. those are the women who are more concerned with whether or not e.g. you can change the oil on their car, that you are a “real man”, and hopefully it goes without saying that those are the ideas you want to avoid reinforcing / internalizing, even if that means turning down a sexual partner

fracture,

rather than talk about my experience, i tend to think it’s more helpful to have cisgender people imagine themselves in similar hypothetical situations:

  1. imagine everyone in your life started using she/her pronouns for you. how would this make you feel? how does this affect how you react to them? how does this affect how they react to you?
  2. imagine you woke up in a female body. how would you feel? imagine you had to adjust to it for a week. then a month. then a year. then ten years. what adjustments to your life would you have to make? how does this affect how people treat you? how does this affect your behavior? how would you feel about this situation? what would you miss about your previous body?

the second experience is essentially what it’s like to be a transgender man, except it’s from birth and you don’t (necessarily) get to start with the knowledge you’re a guy (some people more intuitively figure it out than others)

these questions hopefully help you develop a sense of what gender means to you, which should help you understand what gender means to us (obv it’s not the same for everyone, and it’s pretty binary, but it’s a decent starting point)

fracture, (edited )

@MareOfNights hoping you’ll see this as well

kind of feel weird about you both using trans men as demonstrating your argument without either of you actually being trans. there are as many kinds of trans men as there are cis, and you can find examples of those of us who enjoy conforming to stereotypical masculinity and those of us who don’t

it’s also fairly presumptuous to assume every trans person’s goal is to pass, and also to presume the intent behind the goal of passing

honestly even presuming that trans men are asking how to be men, instead of defining it for themselves, is very presumptuous

like, the points you’re making, in general, aren’t bad. but it kind of feels icky to presume a minority’s goal and to also use it as an argument, when that minority’s reasoning is wide and varied. i think most people don’t like being treated like a monolith and i think that applies here, too

trans men were also largely unnecessary for the arguments you were making. a lot of it could be said for people who want to or enjoy (or don’t!) presenting masculine, regardless of sex assigned at birth. the answer to the author’s question, why should we have positive examples of masculinity, really boils down to, because some people like being masculine, but not toxic. trans men aren’t really special in that regard

anyways, keep in mind that i don’t speak for all trans men, but this trans man felt weird about this, like i’m being referenced as a demographic with no regard for what being in the demographic is like. thanks for reading

fracture,

this was a really funny article to me because the author really doesn’t seem that attached to being a man. i want to be clear, that’s fine and valid. but it seems weird to then speak to the want of men in general to have more positive role models of masculinity, and say, well you should just want positive role models

like? yeah, you can have role models of any gender, but isn’t it nice to have role models who look like you? isn’t that the entire point that people make when saying representation is important? that doesn’t stop being true just because we’re talking about men now

he’s missing such a basic and fundamental argument that the entire thing just becomes, at least for me, an externalized argument about how he feels about his own gender, which appears to be disconnected and largely not good

also he picked like, apparently the worst examples of masculinity he could find and said, yeah this is why we don’t need positive masculinity?? like c’mon

i like being a man, it’s cool. there’s a lot (A LOT) of shit i have to reconcile with being a man. but imo that’s part of the duty that comes with it. so yeah, author, it would be pretty cool to see men who had done that, who expressed their masculinity in unique and authentic ways that sometimes conform and sometimes don’t

you know. like people

(i want to take a moment to say that i have several women role models and also people whose gender identities aren’t so easily captured by the binary. but those people, generally speaking, don’t need to reconcile with the long history of people of their gender doing harm to those around them, nor with the present day scars from that harm. it’s a LOT to come to grips with understanding that you scare a lot of people just by existing, and frankly, that’s just an experience that a man is more commonly going to have to experience. exclusively? of course not. obviously, there’s a racial bias here as well. but due to the commonality, having readily available examples of how to handle it well, and even gracefully, would be nice)

fracture,

yeah as someone on a keto diet and already allergic to soy and coconut… i need this LMAO i’m gonna die if i lose dairy and meat 😭

fracture,

fwiw you’ve conveyed the same general question i have about the situation, albeit far more eloquently than i would have been able to

i am totally down to stop using words that disabled people find offensive, but i need alternatives to express that someone is being needlessly / purposely ignorant or otherwise harmful and is generally worthy of scorn and contempt

which isn’t to say that providing that is the onus on disabled people (it’s really not, their only real obligation is to express their experiences)… but it does make it a lot easier to action on the request

it’s also kind of interesting to approach this conversation both as an outsider, but also as someone who these words do apply to in some capacity

fracture,

cw: targeted towards trans femmes :')

fracture,

how is this a women’s space?

fracture,

the way you’re trying to exclude trans men from a general trans space “because most of the memes are trans fem” is really othering and hurtful

i don’t feel like that reason makes it okay to be exclusive to trans men. if anything, that strikes me as a reason to be more considerate, not less

sort of like how a typical women’s space should be considerate in including trans women, since they’re a minority of a marginalized group, no?

incidentally, you should see that the rules of the subreddit which forbid bigotry and encourage tagging your post with the audience it’s aimed at

fracture,

hate speech (of which nazi speech is a subset of) isn’t political either. it definitely should be banned because it demonstrably causes people to get hurt

insane stance to be advocating that nazis should have free speech in 2024

fracture,

preach sib (i do not know your gender identity)

i also love testosterone

i do it weird and put it on before bed, but it’s always a high point of my night

also it’s making me so big and strong!~

fracture,

the misandry has become less acceptable over time, probably as more “cis” girls like i was realized we weren’t so cis or girls and made some of those actually cis girls confront the things they’d said and thought during that time

but also we’ve become a lot more aware of how the patriarchy hurts men, and we’ve also become more broadly aware of feminist authors like bell hooks, who have been writing about how men need feminism too all along

fracture,

bell hooks, rest in peace. truly an incredible author, i originally learned of her from the news she had passed away :(

just wanted to post to let people know that she styled her name literally “bell hooks”, as all lowercase

fracture,

there’s no protection from a company becoming like any other without a union

fracture,

obv transphobes should not have done that, it’s a huge overreaction to requesting pronouns and a really shitty thing to do in general

that said, i understand the dev not wanting to put a statement out. iirc the romances in stardew are fairly gendered and i can understand why it would be difficult to implement pronouns and have them be respected in romances where your gender is significant

the developer may well feel non binary people are valid and might just believe he wouldn’t be able to do them justice in the game and doesn’t wanna say that

i think it’s the right thing to do in this situation, as well as condemning the doxxing and harassment. but i understand it being a tough thing to do

fracture,

✊🦎

fracture,

beehaw.org/…/717d18ed-533a-461b-975f-e2e1dc26b720…

i don’t know how to embed pictures but hopefully this works ^^; i’ve been seeing this one around lately and i think it’s very funny

fracture, (edited )

oh that’s crazy, i saw that syntax (from my client) and went, no way that’s correct (bc of the empty square brackets). but it being alt text makes it make sense, thanks!

https://beehaw.org/pictrs/image/717d18ed-533a-461b-975f-e2e1dc26b720.webp

looks like my alt text is breaking it for me tho (it’s removed in the above embedding)

fracture, (edited )

uhhhhm how do you feel about it, OP? i feel like these open ended questions are kind of hard to approach without a little more context… like yea, beauty expectations on anyone, men included, are bad. so like… do you wanna talk about a particular aspect, the effects on trans men specifically, how it affects passing, or what…? or, tell us what inspired you to ask this question

fracture,

yea i used to be on those, was never a fan of all the waste they produced. still, testosterone is testosterone. my protip for those is to open em with scissors lol, tearing them always made getting the gel out a pain in the ass. again, ymmv depending on what gel packets you get specifically

fracture,

interesting to consider that third places can be virtual in this day and age. i wonder how they compare in terms of healthiness… probably better than not having a third place but worse than an in person one, if i had to guess

fracture,

really good article

make sure you do your online illegal activity AND RESEARCH ABOUT THOSE ACTIVITIES behind a VPN

if you need to communicate with other people about illegal activity, do it behind an encrypted service like Signal

illegal != immoral

stay safe out there folks

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