@ginsterbusch@kosmos.social
@ginsterbusch@kosmos.social avatar

ginsterbusch

@ginsterbusch@kosmos.social

Makes stuff with the interwebs and musick.
ThinkPad / Linux / Small Form Factor (SFF!) fanbeing. #gothpunk #neuroqueer #genderqueer #actuallyautistic #omni #demi

Your friendly oni who tries to not eat you.
The snarkist formerly known from the WPTavern comment section. ClassicPress forker.

Work: https://herakles42.de

Buy me a pot of tea / beverage of your choice: https://ko-fi.com/gft

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chevalier26, to actuallyautistic
@chevalier26@mastodon.social avatar

What are your thoughts on self-diagnosis being belittled by many in the autistic community?

For clarity, I’m not asking to start a debate, just a genuine discussion. I currently don’t have the option to get a diagnosis, but feel fairly confident that the research I’ve done over the past year and a half has been legitimate and credible.

I don’t feel comfortable saying that I am definitively autistic, but I am ok with saying I’m “self-suspecting.” #actuallyautistic @actuallyautistic

ginsterbusch,
@ginsterbusch@kosmos.social avatar

@hauchvonstaub @chevalier26 @actuallyautistic In Germany it basically has either zero impact or making everything worse in life.

I probably could get more "support" if I rode hard on my sight-handicap than with my autism.

ginsterbusch,
@ginsterbusch@kosmos.social avatar

@chevalier26 @peterainbow @actuallyautistic its a very loud and small AND sometimes even ALLISTIC group.

Sadly, the loud shouting louts are the one perceived the most. In a very neurotypical way. Which is very very ironic, bordering on cynical.

2ndStar, to random German
@2ndStar@astronomy.social avatar

deleted_by_author

    •
    ginsterbusch,
    @ginsterbusch@kosmos.social avatar

    @2ndStar

    Little Bobby Tables? :D
    https://xkcd.com/327/

    Susan60, to actuallyautistic
    @Susan60@aus.social avatar

    What do people read?

    I was an avid reader of fiction when I was a child. Novels about challenging issues or strange fantasy worlds. In many ways reading was an escape to a safe place, but those books were also places where I could learn about how “people” worked. How they thought, felt & behaved. The diversity in those things.

    I loved The Little Princess and The Secret Garden, by Frances Hodgson Burnett, because they were about children who were different & how they coped. I loved The Chronicles of Narnia because, although quite dated now, the girls had real adventures alongside their brothers. There was a series of books about witches, good & bad, which I loved but can’t remember the titles or author.

    I loved Ivan Southall’s books, where tweens & teens faced dangers, often without the support of adults. (Marsden’s Tomorrow when the War Began is reminiscent of Southall.)

    And as an adult, I still like youth & YA fiction, probably for the same reason, because I’m still learning how humans work. I also like adult fiction, but the naivety of youth fiction appeals.

    And TBO, I read much more non-fiction than fiction nowadays. Obviously there’s the Autism & ADHD stuff that is currently dominating my reading, but also social commentaries of all sorts, by feminists, sociologists, etc.

    @actuallyautistic

    ginsterbusch,
    @ginsterbusch@kosmos.social avatar

    @Susan60 @actuallyautistic I've never stopped reading Fantasy, SF, Hard SF; etc. But enhanced it with Science Fantasy, Fantasy-SF Crossover, Urban Fantasy, and lots of manga / anime culture, including Isekai.

    ginsterbusch,
    @ginsterbusch@kosmos.social avatar

    @Susan60 @actuallyautistic For non-fiction my interest drops like to zero, because expect for science or computers, there is next to no intersection.

    And I've gotta read technical manuals and documentations all day, dont need more non-fiction in my life xD

    ginsterbusch,
    @ginsterbusch@kosmos.social avatar

    @Susan60 @actuallyautistic Sounds like permanent total overload even during your "free" time. Not something I would want to expose myself to.

    And I do the same, I just dont need to read books about it, too xD

    ginsterbusch,
    @ginsterbusch@kosmos.social avatar

    @pathfinder @Susan60 @actuallyautistic Missing out on PTerry is the worst one can do to themselves in life.

    Also, the only author I never met but was incredibly sad learning of his death.

    ginsterbusch,
    @ginsterbusch@kosmos.social avatar

    @pathfinder @Susan60 @actuallyautistic Thanks to PTerry, I got interested in the custom of Morris dance. Not that I'd actively pursue it (probably would insta-death-locate most of my joints), but watching works:

    https://www.youtube.com/@antveal

    (and also, really, I'm in Germany .. in my case, Perchtenläufe would probably be much more appropriate xD )

    ginsterbusch,
    @ginsterbusch@kosmos.social avatar

    @Susan60 @pathfinder @actuallyautistic non-binary grammar? In English? Sounds utterly harmless.

    Learn German, have fun with ultra-broken grammar thats having a "neutral male" in all its permanence (and annoyance), and not a chance in hell having an easy option out of this like in english .. with they / them being part of like .. how people spoke / wrote in the 1800s.

    The "gendering" discussion here in Germany is a complete utter insane show. Lots of popcorn.

    ImmedicableME, to actuallyautistic
    @ImmedicableME@mastodon.online avatar

    Last week I learned what it’s like to go into a full autistic shutdown. It was hard to talk, move, think, feel. The weirdest thing: my partner kept hugging me and all I could think was, why is she touching me? When I looked it up, it was a shock to see that this is a completely typical experience when we reach a certain point of overload. It’s not the first time I’ve experienced a shutdown, just the first time I’ve known what it was. Still so much to learn. @actuallyautistic

    ginsterbusch,
    @ginsterbusch@kosmos.social avatar

    @ImmedicableME @actuallyautistic "common" as in: happens to some.

    there is no "common" in autism.

    but a steeeeep learning curve xD

    pathfinder, to Autism
    @pathfinder@beige.party avatar

    @actuallyautistic

    I once wrote about how it was not unrealistic, to think that there was no such thing as an un-traumatised autistic. About how so many of us have known bullying and persecution simply for being different. Not even always for what we may have said or done, but often for simply standing out; in all the ways that we didn't even know we were. How just simply being, was so often an excuse to be attacked or punished. That our very existence, even as hard as we tried to mask, whether we knew that was what we were doing or not, was the cause of so much pain.

    All the scars we carry from misreading situations. Or from believing in something, or someone, and being burnt as a consequence. All the times we've tried to stand up for ourselves, or as often as not for others, and been dismissed and ridiculed. All the misjudgements and disbelieve and times when our intent and purpose have been seen in the ways that were never, ever, meant. The sheer inability for others to see us as we are, or to judge us accordingly. But, always to seem to want to see the worst and to base everything else on that.

    But the more I learn and understand about being autistic. The more I realise that so much of my trauma and the scars that were left, came not just from this overt pain, but from the covert well-meaning of others as well. From my parents and relatives, from friends and teachers. From all the advice and instruction I have received over the years that was meant to shape me in the right way. As a child, to teach me how to grow up, how to behave and act. What was expected and what wasn't. And then, as an adult, how I was supposed to be and how a successful life, with me in it, was supposed to look. All the rules I was supposed to learn, all the codes I was supposed to follow. How to act, how to speak, what to feel, when to feel it. What I was supposed to do and how I was supposed to be.

    Not in any unusual way. Not in any way that you weren't supposed to raise a child, well a normal child anyway. That's what makes this so covert. If you were trying to do this to a child knowing that they were autistic, then it's overt abuse. It is ABA, it is infantilising and punishing a child for always failing to become something, that they had no more chance of becoming than a cat has of becoming a dog. But for those of us who didn't know we were autistic. It was simply the constant hammering of the world trying, without even realising it, to fit a round peg into a square hole and all the pain and disappointment that came from their failure to come even close.

    For me, what made this worse, was that it wasn't as if I didn't know that I was different, not in my heart, but that I thought that I shouldn't be. That I should be able to learn what I was being taught, that I should be able to follow the guidance. That I wasn't any different really from anyone else and so if I failed to act in the right way, or react the way I should, for that matter, then it was my fault. All the patient sighs and familiar looks, simply became just another reinforcement of my failure. Even being told off for the simplest things, became a reminder that something that I should have been able to do, was beyond me and always for the only reason that ever made any sense; that I was broken, that it was my fault somehow.

    Is it any wonder that so much of my life has been about trying to justify myself in the light of this, of trying to become that "good dog". Of judging myself against an impossible standard. A constant lurching from one bad to choice to another, and always because I thought they were the right ones. And for each new failure and inability to even come close, another scar, another reminder of what I wasn't. Further proof that my self-esteem was right to be so low. Of how I was such a failure and a bad person. That I was never going to be a proper son or brother or friend. Because I couldn't even be what I was supposed to be, let alone what I should become.

    Looking back, I can't help thinking about how much of my life I spent living this way; of trying not to repeat the sins of my past. Of not repeating the actions or behaviour that led to those past failures and trauma. Of, in fact, all the effort I put in to not being myself. Because that, I realise now, was what I was trying to do. I was that round peg and trying to hammer myself into the square hole. Because everything I had learnt had taught me to think that this was how I had to be. That this was how you grew. And in so many ways, I can't help feeling angry about this. About the wasted years, about the scars I carry that were never my fault. About the way I was brought up, even though none of it was ever meant, but only ever well-meant.


    ginsterbusch,
    @ginsterbusch@kosmos.social avatar

    @homelessjun @pathfinder @actuallyautistic so basically, the type of ableism changed. but not the ableism itself?

    ginsterbusch,
    @ginsterbusch@kosmos.social avatar

    @homelessjun @pathfinder @actuallyautistic why? do they fear to get driven over? like they try with their cars with people they deem annoying?

    wondering why not more people fear the mighty white cane.

    stevesilberman, to random
    @stevesilberman@newsie.social avatar

    Well, this totally made my day. Thank you Neil, and best wishes to everyone who reads "NeuroTribes" seeking to understand certain family members, friends, and co-workers better.

    ginsterbusch,
    @ginsterbusch@kosmos.social avatar

    @Jobob @Dr_Obvious @stevesilberman @actuallyautistic well, he had an assistant called PTerry to help him out ..

    CIO, to random German
    @CIO@social.schleswig-holstein.de avatar

    In Schleswig-Holstein laufen ja seit längerer Zeit bereits Projekte zum Umstieg auf Lösungen, die unsere Strateige zur offenen Innovation und digitalen Souiveränität unterstützen. Das Kabinett hat nun nach einer erfolgreichen Pilotphase die verpflichtende Nutzung von LibreOffice beschlossen. https://www.schleswig-holstein.de/DE/landesregierung/ministerien-behoerden/I/Presse/PI/2024/CdS/240403_cds_it-arbeitsplatz.html

    ginsterbusch,
    @ginsterbusch@kosmos.social avatar

    @CIO München schaffts ab, im Norden wirds angeschafft? :D

    ginsterbusch, to actuallyautistic
    @ginsterbusch@kosmos.social avatar

    @alice @AeonCypher @actuallyautistic The same goes for the ICD.

    The reason why I am diagnosed with HKS (Hyperkinetic Syndrome, what nowadays is called ADHD) is, because of those stereotypes. Apparently I wasnt "autistic enough", ie. my masking was already that good.

    Also, almost all of those tests and dx criteria ignore the rest of the circumstances, eg. pre-existing handicaps.

    1/

    ginsterbusch,
    @ginsterbusch@kosmos.social avatar

    @alice @AeonCypher @actuallyautistic

    In my case, its being strongly sight-impaired from birth. That leads to different, "unexpected" behaviour, because you already are REQUIRED to cope with your environment. Ie. its an automatic adaption to life. And thus "failing" the stereotypes and "criteria" that orient themselves on such crude ways.

    I wonder how many people are just dxd wrong or not at all because of pre-existing conditions.

    2/

    ginsterbusch,
    @ginsterbusch@kosmos.social avatar

    @alice @AeonCypher @actuallyautistic Gotta be quite a number of underreporting in the fancy statistics (German really got better words for this: "Dunkelziffer" - dark number / figure).

    dyani, to actuallyautistic
    @dyani@social.coop avatar

    Came across this sensory rating sheet for an event. This is so helpful! Wish every event had this.

    I'm going to try and put disclaimers like this for any event I am involved with in the future.

    @actuallyautistic

    ginsterbusch,
    @ginsterbusch@kosmos.social avatar

    @nddev @dyani @actuallyautistic The animation packs everything that exists into one small densely compressed "snippet".

    It certainly isnt like that. Its different to each and every individual.

    Things that will suck away my focus any time:

    a) the idiotic urge of people wanting to keep the TV running at full level while having a conversation .. esp. talk shows etc.

    b) talk radio, podcasts etc. - when I'm needing to focus while handling multiple tasks.

    1/

    ginsterbusch,
    @ginsterbusch@kosmos.social avatar

    @nddev @dyani @actuallyautistic After rewatching it, the animation seems to focus waaaaay too much on audio, while the visual aspect is just a side thing.

    And I am both light-sensitive AND strongly sight handicapped. Now combine that with sensory overload and the need to take in much more information because you CANNOT see as well from the very begin of your whole life ...

    .. yeah, that sucks. A LOT.

    2/

    ginsterbusch,
    @ginsterbusch@kosmos.social avatar

    @nddev @dyani @actuallyautistic So the visual part is at max represent with a bit of flickering lights and some sirens, but its main focus is on the "hearing the buzzing of electricy" audio issue.

    So no, its only displaying a cutout of issues of people with the audio spectrum.

    Falls pretty short.

    A good representation would eg. be: Strong lights, sudden piercing lights in the night (temporary becoming night/snow blind), visual impact that gets as hurting as extremely loud sounds etc.

    3/

    ginsterbusch,
    @ginsterbusch@kosmos.social avatar

    @nddev @dyani @actuallyautistic A lot of things like stroboscope effects in discos and clubs I was only ever able to endure when slightly intoxicated, and not wearing glasses at best. Sometimes I wore "my sunglasses at night", because the nasty glaring disco blinking lights would get me massive headaches, etc.

    So something like those, in a massive continuing crescendo, with alternating distorted light effects? Would be a good start.

    4/

    ginsterbusch,
    @ginsterbusch@kosmos.social avatar

    @nddev @dyani @actuallyautistic Add some glitch FX, TV noise, matrix glitch or other distorting ""bug"-ridden visual effects, some nasty clashing, eye-piercing neon colors, and you get yourself the perfect torture .. I mean, visual sensory overload representation.

    5/

    islieb, to random German
    @islieb@mastodon.social avatar

    Schulkritik

    ginsterbusch,
    @ginsterbusch@kosmos.social avatar

    @islieb Nicht zu vergessen: Deine Mitinsassen quälen und foltern dich (anstatt von "Mobbing" und "Bullying" zu reden, was so schön englisch klingt, und die Sache schön verharmlost: lieber die Dinge beim Namen nennen) .. ok, eigentlich auch wie im Knast .. grübel

    Autistrain, to actuallyautistic

    Since I discovered I'm an autist, it has been a long way. It was like I was born again but this time with the right manual.

    I ditched a lot of things including friends. Day after day I learn to know myself better and to live after my culture.

    We are at the beginning of the holiday period with Christmas and New Year's Eve. This was one of my first moves towards accepting my culture. I decided to stop celebrating these. No more dinners, no more parties.

    People could legitimately ask why I made this radical decision. The story begins a long time ago when I was born. These holidays were a thing that we had to do. It's a tradition.

    But a tradition of whom? This is a question I was asking myself for nearly three decades. It wasn't as clear as I wrote it here. I participated but didn't really enjoy the time. It was actually the opposite.

    I didn't understand why we did all these things. I was like a spectator of the whole evening or night. I would say that I enjoyed the moment because others enjoyed it. If you went there you had to enjoy it, right? Well No! I was full of what I would discover later being anxiety.

    One day, I said I would not attend the Christmas dinner. I stayed at home alone. It was my best Christmas ever! No fatigue the day after, no anxiety, everything was nice. But, I also discovered what was wrong with all of these holidays.

    I always had a weird and strange feeling during these days that didn't match anxiety or anything else that was emotional or feelings. It was that Christmas, New Year's Eve, etc. didn't make sense at all. It was the holidays of these people. They were not mine. They were not part of my culture. They didn't match my identity.

    So, after nearly three decades, I stopped all of them to live in harmony with my culture and identity. I guess it's reasonable accommodation for an

    @actuallyautistic @neurodiversity

    ginsterbusch,
    @ginsterbusch@kosmos.social avatar

    @Autistrain @actuallyautistic @neurodiversity Personally I've always enjoyed the quieter, smaller celebratory events, but always been loathing the big "all people of the family have to gather at one place and be loud AF!" events.

    Also, next to always I'm getting ill afterwards, so there is at least one week after everything until I'm up again - both in mental and overall health.

    1/

    ginsterbusch,
    @ginsterbusch@kosmos.social avatar

    @Autistrain @actuallyautistic @neurodiversity My current approach is: Keep the number of events as low as possible - esp. with family, because family can be the worst challenging horror - and thus overload.

    But I've started to embrace such - national - holidays (in Germany, they all are). Do stuff for myself, go out, avoid the masses, but still be a bit "under people".

    Its something I didnt do before, mostly working instead, but one really needs to get these energy levels back.

    2/

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