rebrafsim

rebrafsim, 5 months ago to random

dog: unwrapping present I swear to god jason if this is another fucking bone I will—HOLY SHIT A BONE IT’S A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU

rebrafsim, 5 months ago to random

me: I can never remember the name of that dali painting with the melted clocks

her: it’s the persistence of memory

me: there’s no need to be sarcastic

rebrafsim, 5 months ago to random

I only tell people my secret meatball recipe on a knead to know basis

rebrafsim, 5 months ago to random

everyone keeps telling me I need to meet new people but the staff at the maternity ward won’t let me in

rebrafsim, 5 months ago to random

“clean cars last longer” is a great example of a logical fallacy because we’re all doomed

rebrafsim, 6 months ago to random

me: it’s called bro-mine because you put in in the hot tub you share with your buddy, and that’s also why it’s called being in your element

chemistry professor: everything about that was just wrong

rebrafsim, 6 months ago to random

standing on principal: bad

standing on superintendent: worse

rebrafsim, 6 months ago to random

me: what about my right to a free press?

whole foods cashier: this is a garlic press, and you have to pay for it

me: I’m calling my lawyer

rebrafsim, 6 months ago to random

me: did you know Asia was the biggest rock formation on earth?

Steve Howe: well, Yes

rebrafsim, 6 months ago to random

anyone can land an airplane or get a nobel prize or be an only child. the question is how you get it done

rebrafsim, 6 months ago to random

if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s not apparent to me

rebrafsim, 6 months ago to random

I’m saving my good personality for special occasions. Just haven’t found one yet

rebrafsim, 6 months ago to random

the best way to make sure no supervillain ever plots to take over the world is to make sure the world is a place nobody would ever want to take over, so nice job, people

rebrafsim, 6 months ago to random

an irregular verb is one with erratic vowel movements

rebrafsim, 6 months ago to random

me: looks like it’ll be livestreamed

gil scott heron: fuck you

rebrafsim, 6 months ago to random

I bought a book about how we’re losing the ability to pay attention and I’m reading the first paragraph for the 37th time right now

rebrafsim, 6 months ago to random

me: attention is neither “paid” nor “given,” and nobody else can “have” mine

fire marshal: fine, shut the fuck up and listen to me then — you need to get out of the building

rebrafsim, 6 months ago to random

it should bother you more than it does that analog clocks have three “hands,” and that the third hand is called the second hand. we all just let that happen