countcol

countcol, 3 months ago to random

Home is the only place you don't go "to." You go "to work." You go "to school." You go "to the shop", but you don't go "to home." You just go home.

countcol, 3 months ago to random

I got rid of my swear jar, I've replaced it with a negativity jar. When I have a pessimistic thought, I put £1 in.
It's currently half empty.

countcol, 3 months ago to random

The other day I saw a guy running down the road with a cape on.
I shouted, "Are you a super hero?"
The man running behind him said "No, he hasn't paid for his haircut."

countcol, 3 months ago to random

So, exactly how important do you have to be, before your murder becomes an assassination?

countcol, 3 months ago to random

The UN's “special rapporteur on extreme poverty” recently declared that poverty in Britain is “simply not acceptable” and – somehow – a violation of international law. You might have thought his time would be better spent in Somalia, say, or North Korea, not somewhere that spends £265bn a year on welfare. I guess the hotels there are not as plush as London’s.

countcol, 3 months ago to random

It's amazing how much you can accomplish around the house when someone has threatened to come over.

countcol, 3 months ago to random

You know you're getting old when you walk past a bathroom and think, I might as well go while I'm here....

countcol, 3 months ago to random

I have 2 unwritten rules.
1.
2.

countcol, 3 months ago to random

An atom walks into a bar and asks the barman if he's seen his missing electron.
"Are you sure she's missing" asks the bartender.
"I'm positive", replies the atom.

countcol, 3 months ago to random

If you make a fortune in oil you're an oil magnate.
If you make a fortune in shipping, you're a shipping magnate.
He made a fortune selling fridges!

countcol, 3 months ago to random

I've got really good pet insurance.
While my dog was at the vet, they gave us a courtesy dog.

countcol, 3 months ago to random

When the next person walks out of my life I'm going with them, I'm sick of me too.

countcol, 3 months ago to random

The phrase "don't take this the wrong way" has a 0% success rate.

countcol, 3 months ago to random

80% of arguments start because someone hasn't eaten or had coffee yet.

countcol, 3 months ago to random

You never know how long a minute is until you're exercising.

countcol, 3 months ago to random

Dog owners in the Italian province of Bolzano, are being told to submit their pooches for DNA testing as part of a crackdown on dog poo in the streets. In theory, the doggy database will enable police to match the mess with the culprit, with owners liable for a fine of up to €1,048.

countcol, 3 months ago to random

Not all husbands kiss their wife goodbye when they leave their house.
However, most kiss their house goodbye when they leave their wife.

countcol, 3 months ago to random

I just saw someone walk face first into a door because they were too busy looking at their phone.
I could’ve warned them, but then I wouldn’t have been able to video it and post it online.

countcol, 3 months ago to random

Out for a walk in the local woods I spotted a fight between a Squirrel and a Hedgehog.
The Hedgehog won on points!

countcol, 3 months ago to random

“Hope is a good breakfast, but it is a bad supper.”
Francis Bacon

countcol, 3 months ago to random

My favorite kind of coffee is the kind where nobody talks to me while I'm drinking it.

countcol, 3 months ago to random

He caught his wife in bed with her personal trainer.
He told her, "This isn't working out!"

countcol, 3 months ago to random

This spring will see “a rare natural phenomenon that hasn’t happened since 1803”, says Smithsonian Magazine: the emergence of more than a trillion cicadas (a large noisy insect) from under the ground in central and southern US states. It involves two separate populations of “periodical cicadas”: Brood XIII, which surfaces to mate every 13 years, and Brood XIX, which surfaces every 17 years. The next time these two particular broods line up will be 2245.

countcol, 3 months ago to random

Her: Can you draw a picture of a handsome man?
Tattooist: Sure, where do you want it?
Her: On my husbands face....

countcol, 3 months ago to random

Adele will probably release an album when she's old called "49". It will include the songs "Do you ever listen?", "It's here in the drawer where I told you it was", "Is it hot in here or is it just me?", and "What's for tea?"