Have you ever apologized to someone you wronged for a very long time, or received an unexpected apology in a similar way?

Such a long title.

Basically I’m wondering if this happens IRL, and how. I’ve heard countless stories of people who hold a grudge against family members /ex partners/ ex friends/ neighbours etc. for years, and they do horrible things to each other. Or maybe just the cold shoulder can be rough especially for such a long time. But not so many stories of people in these situations who suddenly talk things out unexpectedly, out of their own will and not because they kept getting nagged about whatever happened.

I’ve also heard about people who screw up big once, never acknowledge or apologize, then everyone puts the episode behind and moves on. But I’ve never heard about suddenly this person perhaps decades afterwards just actually addressing their screw up and apologizing.

So, have you ever received one of these big, unexpected apologies? Or have you ever apologized for something you did you never thought you would want or dare to apologize for?

kessleragain,

I received an unexpected apology almost 20 years after the fact. I had long since moved on and had no hard feelings for the person.

Before that apology, I was like most people who thought an apology like that would feel selfish or self-serving for the person giving the apology. Instead, it felt very genuine and weirdly made me feel a little better about humanity. Like, if this person can grow and come out the other side a better, happier person, then more people can too.

Schlemmy,

Yes, I apologized to a girl for having sex with her 20 years ago and then ghosting her. Then we had sex again and I almost ghosted her again. We concluded that we have great sex but aren’t ment to be together.

HollyCat2022,

Yes. I got in to contact with a girl 30 years after I last saw her. I bullied her at school. Felt bad for it for many years, still do. Apologized the best I could. She forgave me. She said I was the only one who had reached out to her about it.

nayminlwin,

I have a cousin that’s the same age as I am and we were practically siblings growing up because we lived in the same apartment building and went to the same school. And I was really mean to her during our late teen years. The worst thing I did was stole her IRC chat logs with her bf and shared it with some of our friends. I apologized to her a few years later and we were on good terms since then.

ChaoticEntropy,
@ChaoticEntropy@feddit.uk avatar

I received an apology from a person who bullied me, at the end of our time at school. It was nice and all… if he could have come to this realisation during school then that would have been better.

ModernRisk, (edited )
@ModernRisk@lemmy.dbzer0.com avatar

I actually want to apologize to someone, for not being honest when we were 17-19 (we’re both now 27-28).

I always lied whenever she asked me to just hang out. Said I could not or had something else.

Truth is, I never dared because of my dad. I didn’t want him to know that, I was hanging out with a girl. A lot happened in my youth and didn’t want to have another violence experience at home.

That and the fact I just feel awkward around people or on 1 on 1 meetings.

But I feel like it’s been way to long for that apology.

Mothra,
@Mothra@mander.xyz avatar

I once had someone explain they were interested in me years ago, and although it wasn’t an apology (which would have been nice to get, he was an absolute dick at times), it helped me recalibrate how I thought about myself.

So I I don’t know about your particular circumstances, it does sound like it’s been too long to apologize for something that can be taken as shyness. But maybe explaining the whys can help this other person, I don’t know.

eezeebee,
@eezeebee@lemmy.ca avatar

There was someone I was talking to and we were interested in each other. I went to their city to visit and party, ended up going to a bar with them and their friends. I left with and hooked up with their friend.

Years later I was thinking about it for some reason, and how shitty of a thing to do it was to this innocent person who had been so kind and hospitable. I reached out and apologized, telling them it wasn’t their fault and that they deserved better than to be treated that way. I felt very bad about it and wanted to try to reverse any damage it may have caused them and their feeling of self worth. Thankfully they forgave me and said they were in a happy and healthy relationship at that point.

Besides realizing what a shitty person I was, I eventually realized how alcohol affected me and quit drinking. Not blaming the alcohol for my actions because I was 100% lucid, but it sure made making wrong choices easier in the moment.

SourDrink,

I’ve recently apologized to a friend of over 25 years. One day while we were playing video games, he was making fun of my name as he usually does, and I blew up at him, telling him I didn’t appreciate him saying these things for decades. While my arguments may have been reasonable, my reaction was purely based on my feelings at the moment.

One thing I’ve considered a few years ago was what was I trying to do when I apologize. Was it to make the person who I wronged to feel better, or was is for me to forgive myself? I still wrestle with that thought. I’ve forced an apology or a few in the past, giving them to folks who literally don’t want to hear it, and outcomes never go the way I expect them to.

Sometimes I think we need show ourselves the grace and patience we give to other we love and care about, but be mindful of the entitlements and boundaries we take or push upon.

TheHalc,

Did your “friend” make you feel bad for getting mad at him? Frankly, it doesn’t sound like you owed him an apology at all - and if he didn’t apologise, he absolutely should have done.

When people get justifiably angry because their boundaries have been broken, emotionally abusive bullies often try to make their targets feel bad for “getting emotional”. It’s all an attempt to redirect the fact that they wronged you, not the other way around.

SourDrink,

Oh no, he laughed it off like water off of a duck’s back. At this point, I just think of it as a quirk of our relationship. I’m more willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, because when push comes to shove, I know he’d have my back. Shit can’t be perfect, but calling it once in a blue helps.

TheHalc,

Laughing when someone’s angry at you for something you’ve done isn’t a very positive reaction.

Of course you know your friendship better than we do, but nothing you’ve written makes it sound like you ever owed him an apology.

demlet,

I have never wroged anyone. But seriously, I was a real jerk to a coworker a long time ago. Like, for quite a while, not just once. Just didn’t like him for some reason. One day, I’m not sure what happened, but I realized that I was being a big jerk and told him I was really sorry. Ever since then I always try to remember that experience and be as kind as possible to others. Like I said, I really don’t know what caused the change, but I’m glad it happened.

shinigamiookamiryuu,

Technically I did this with my first BF. I would’ve done it sooner but wasn’t able to communicate with him.

MrsDoyle,

I had an ex boyfriend I’d stayed in touch with phone me to say he was now a Christian and part of his new-found faith was contacting people he’d treated badly in the past and apologising. So, he realised now that he had not been a good friend, and he was very sorry for any hurt he’d caused me. I accepted the apology and we chatted a bit.

A few weeks later he called again, this time to ask me to sign an affidavit affirming that he was a good person and had been a good friend to me. This was to support his effort to gain custody of a baby, who may or may not have been his, from his most recent ex, along with her two sons, who definitely weren’t. I said absolutely NOT and told him why. He hung up, and I haven’t heard from him since. Such a great friend, lol.

Mothra,
@Mothra@mander.xyz avatar

Wow, that’s incredible… That made me chuckle, but I would have been rather angry in your shoes. Thanks for sharing!

PerogiBoi,
@PerogiBoi@lemmy.ca avatar

I was a bully to the whiny and sensitive kid in my friends group. Everyone kind of poked fun at him so me being a kid, I did the same.

I genuinely apologized to him 10 years later as it was gnawing at me all those years and he didn’t accept it. He told me how the teasing messed up his self esteem and contributed to mental health problems he still deals with.

I felt so unbelievably awful for having that effect on him for all that time that I didn’t know what to say. I figured if I hurt him that much the best thing I can do for him is disappear completely. I haven’t been very social since out of fear of hurting someone like that again. Keeps me up sometimes and I find myself thinking about it when I daydream.

Mothra,
@Mothra@mander.xyz avatar

Sorry to hear that’s how it went. Good on you for actually apologizing, I hope he can eventually forgive although it seems that’s going to require a lot of introspection on his side too which isn’t easy. Bear in mind that in spite of what you did, you are not 100% responsible for how things developed on his side. There are so many factors affecting mental health and self esteem. If you’ve truly changed then you will know better than repeating the same mistakes in the future with someone else, so don’t let that hold you back.

NotAnArdvark,

Something I worry about, but haven’t seen anyone mention yet, is that a long-after-the-fact apology seems a little self-serving. I’m the one who feels bad, so I’m going to bring something up again hoping that I feel better about the situation afterwards.

There are people I didn’t treat very well when I was young. When I think about reaching out to apologize I imagine the interaction ending with me feeling better and them feeling shitty again.

Reading this thread, however, it doesn’t look like that’s how this usually goes. So, maybe I should rethink it.

Mothra,
@Mothra@mander.xyz avatar

Give it a rethink. Yes it’s true that you are the one feeling bad, but sometimes you worry more about how the other person could feel. Sometimes an apology can help bring closure to someone. But you are right, it may not.

Meowoem,

I think I would hate if anyone apologised to me for how they treated me in school, of course I’d have to pretend that it’s ok and accept their apology, act like we’re friends now or something and wish them the best…

Then I’d go and be depressed about it, feel humiliated and annoyed. Probably anxious and uncomfortable too because they’ll be telling people ‘hey remember that kid we used to bully, I saw him and apologised’ maybe they’ll even make a social media post to highlight how great that are now and it’s all ok because they waved their magic word wand and fixed all the compounded psychological issues they caused…

I don’t think you should feel bad for keeping it to yourself, it’s not going to fix anything so what would be the point?

Mothra,
@Mothra@mander.xyz avatar

Well, everyone is different so if this is how you would feel about a bully apologizing, I’m sure others also think the same. But I think you are wrong to presume everyone would feel the same way you do. How can you be so sure it’s not going to fix anything for someone else? I recommend you read some of those who actually got an apology.

I also wouldn’t be so sure the ex bully would go around posting on social media this kind of stuff. Apologizing is hard already, I would squirm in shame if I was to admit on Facebook or Instagram that I bullied someone. Sounds embarrassing af even if the post is about the apology. It works on anonymous sites as Lemmy or Reddit though.

Bitrot,

I think it can depend. In many cases people move on from things and they probably aren’t thinking about it, but if they still feel affected then it might be meaningful to them to have it acknowledged.

Hhffggshn,

I agree with you. In my case, I waited until a person I had wronged 30 years before reached out to me on facebook. Her contact gave me the opening to apologize. She claimed to have forgotten the incident, but I don’t think that was true (for complicated reasons). But she accepted my apology.

We became close again for a while, but then she quit returning my calls and I let her be. At least I got to make my peace.

demystify, (edited )

There was this girl in my school who was an immigrant and didn’t speak the national language. It was, I believe, second grade. Our whole class, including me, constantly laughed at her, and it was clear she wasn’t enjoying it. She was somewhat of an outsider, never participating in social events, never properly socializing. I left that school the next year, so I didn’t get to see her anymore.

I met her again in high school, six years later. She spoke the national language, integrated properly, and had many friends. I even met her through a mutual friend. We spoke normally at first, simply acknowledging our shared past, but some guilt gnawed at me. It’s not like I couldn’t sleep thinking about how I treated her, but I couldn’t just pretend I’ve always been nice to her. So, one day, I took her to the side… and apologized. She was flustered, she clearly didn’t expect that, nor did she hold a grudge according to her, but I felt way better afterwards.

Edit: spelling

wrath-sedan,
wrath-sedan avatar

Good on you for trying to make it right. She may not have said it then, but I bet she appreciated it.

SatansMaggotyCumFart,

Once I slept with my best friends mom and got him an ice cream cake after that said ‘sorry I banged your mom four times last night.’

We don’t talk much anymore.

Mothra,
@Mothra@mander.xyz avatar

Great story but it doesn’t fit the timeframe. Maybe if you apologize again in ten years

paper_clip,
paper_clip avatar

But how do you keep the ice cream cake from melting over that time?

Mothra,
@Mothra@mander.xyz avatar

Well if you can’t keep the cake in the freezer for a decade… I guess you’ll have to apologize for the cake as well. So get two cakes when the moment comes

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