"Fun work environment" <- Our CEO or loves talking at the staff during our monthly in-office afternoon tea. You better have a damned good excuse not to attend the "fun"!
"Tasks include report writing" <- The CEO is too dumb to find the sales figures in our CRM system. You'll need to regularly, manually copy and paste them into a pretty PowerPoint slide deck that he'll probably never look at.
"Multitasking" <- We'll make you do the work of three people.
"Fast-paced" "tight deadlines" <- We overload you with tasks with unreasonable deadlines. There's no way you can get this project completed and signed off by everyone before the end of the week. We'll expect you to have it done by the end of the hour.
"Managing offsite teams" <- We outsourced our business processes overseas. You'll have to clean up the mess.
"Staying on top of market trends" <- Our CEO looks at the ways other companies in our industry enshittify their products or gouge their customers and says "let's do that too"!
"Agile work environment" <- You'll be micromanaged using daily standup meetings, JIRA, and kanban boards.
"Engaging with consultants" <- The CEO is being paid a five-figure salary to play Solitaire on his PC. Actual management decisions have been outsourced to KPMG. You have to deal with them.
"Some manual data entry" <- All the data is already in our core business systems. Unfortunately, management decided it was too expensive to pay for a Zappier integration to move it into our e-commerce platform, or for enough IT staff to set it up. So you'll need to input it manually, or else everything breaks. We'll hold you personally accountable for any errors.
"Supporting legacy applications" <- Our critical core business systems were originally written for a VAX machine and a Z80 system running CP/M. The people who wrote them are long dead. There's 40 years of cruft code. None of it was documented. They somehow sort of interface with the obsolete SAP and Oracle systems we picked up through a long-forgotten merger.
Data integration? Well, Anne from admin uses a Visual Basic front end to manually download a spreadsheet, which she then uploads into a Salesforce system that some of our departments switched over to during a failed IT transformation project 10 years ago.
Oh, and some of our backups are on Bernoulli disks in the cupboard. If by chance you see a working OS/2 machine pop up on eBay, make sure you bid for it.
Oh, and if there's any downtime, your job's on the line.
augustocc
jpm