there are two mental health things going on which affect each other but have different causes.
one is the seeming return of something i thought was gone. i don't know why.
the other is understanding my current reaction to two lifelong problems more clearly, feeling like i should try again to fix them but also knowing both are immensely costly high-odds gambles (emotional as well as physical energy) which have never worked out before.
i don't have the resilience to buffer more failure.
@sheepchase They're outwardly separate and I'm not foolish enough to take on both at the same time.
Given how badly effort and stress (of any kind) affect me and how I haven't been able to return to previous baseline after that kind of damage since 2015 (before that it was 2-3 years), I could gamble on one, and only one, now and hope against hope that not only is significant progress made but that I can manage to sustain it when I'm fucked up by the damage of getting there.
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