Jealous Florida Senate Hurriedly Passes Bill Allowing Teachers to Pistol Whip Tardy Students (thehardtimes.net)
‘You can’t say anything these days’ insists man saying exactly what he thinks, every single day (newsthump.com)
Man Still Thinks Of Computer Virus As Cartoon Worm That Bites Through Screen (www.theonion.com)
Supreme Court Expands Access To Roofies (www.theonion.com)
WASHINGTON—In a historic ruling, the U.S. Supreme Court declared Tuesday that Americans have the right to roofies. “A sexual predator’s right to Rohypnol is an issue of personal liberty that must not be infringed upon,” said Justice Brett Kavanaugh, who grew visibly emotional during oral arguments, asserting through...
Journalist Who Dreamed of Writing from the Front Lines Willing to Settle for Summarizing SNL Skits for HuffPost (thehardtimes.net)
Man Thinks Games Were Better When He Was Blind to Their Blatant Political Themes (hard-drive.net)
Pregnant Sex Ed Teacher Must Really Know Her Stuff (www.theonion.com)
GLENCOE, IL—Noting that she must be some kind of genius to get such amazing results, students told reporters Friday that their pregnant sex ed teacher must really know her stuff. “I’m not saying our other sex ed teachers weren’t good, but Mrs. Collins is clearly in a league of her own to be six months pregnant,” said...
Dad Hopes New Neighbor Likes Verbal Altercations (www.theonion.com)
BETHANY BEACH, DE—As movers unloaded a truck in front of the house next door, local dad Stan Morby, 43, expressed hoped Wednesday that his new neighbor liked verbal altercations. “Man, I really hope whoever bought that place enjoys getting into shouting matches in the front yard,” said Morby, noting how difficult it had...
Dad at WrestleMania Spends Three Hours Commenting on Poor Table Craftsmanship (thehardtimes.net)
Biden: ‘Israel Has An Obligation Not To Harm My Reelection Chances’ (www.theonion.com)
WASHINGTON—Responding to fallout from the Israeli military’s killing of seven World Central Kitchen aid workers in Gaza, President Biden made an address Thursday asserting that Israel had an obligation not to harm his reelection chances....
Israel Orders Strike On Chef José Andrés’ Boyhood Home (www.theonion.com)
MIERES, SPAIN—Claiming they had received credible reports of the Michelin-starred chef’s connections to Hamas, Israel reportedly ordered a strike on World Central Kitchen founder José Andrés’ boyhood home Thursday. “Today, the Israeli military carried out a strike on the remote Spanish town of Mieres in order to...
Kanye West Accused by Workers of Acting Like Kanye West (hard-drive.net)
Perfectly good slice of bread utterly ruined by Marmite (newsthump.com)
Hockey Arena DJ Waiting for Perfect Moment to Play “Welcome to the Jungle” (thehardtimes.net)
read more: thehardtimes.net/…/hockey-arena-dj-waiting-for-pe…
Environmental Fail/Nostalgia FTW: This 3-Mile Wide Garbage Patch In The Pacific Ocean Is 100% Composed Of Troll Dolls (clickhole.com)
read more: clickhole.com/environmental-fail-nostalgia-ftw-th…
3 Classic Norwegian Fairy Tales Parents Used To Scare Their Children Out Of Going On ‘Shark Tank’ Without A Clear Pitch (clickhole.com)
read more: clickhole.com/3-classic-norwegian-fairy-tales-par…
Ford doubles down on refusal to build fourplexes until someone explains to him what they are (www.thebeaverton.com)
read more: thebeaverton.com/…/ford-doubles-down-on-refusal-t…
Father Unaware He's Been Pushing Empty Stroller For Past 8 Blocks (www.theonion.com)
U.S. Warns A Gaza Ceasefire Would Only Benefit Humanity (www.theonion.com)
WASHINGTON—Explaining why the United States would not call on Israel to end its continuous airstrikes on Palestinian civilians, the White House warned Wednesday that a ceasefire in Gaza would only serve to benefit humanity. “We know there are voices across the world calling for a ceasefire, but what everyone needs to...
Emails from My Dentist That Would Actually Make Me Schedule an Appointment (www.mcsweeneys.net)
read more: mcsweeneys.net/…/emails-from-my-dentist-that-woul…
‘School Never Taught Us About Taxes,' Says Woman Who Wouldn’t Remember It Even If They Had (reductress.com)
read more: reductress.com/…/school-never-taught-us-about-tax…
Aw Crap: I Thought I Said Something Normal but My Therapist Responded “Let’s Unpack That” (thehardtimes.net)
read more: thehardtimes.net/…/aw-crap-i-thought-i-said-somet…
The Only Way to Save Public Education Is to Turn Every Single School in America into High-End Condos (www.mcsweeneys.net)
read more: mcsweeneys.net/…/the-only-way-to-save-public-educ…
Coca-Cola Incredibly Hurt Nation Not Going To Try New Flavor They Worked So Hard On (www.theonion.com)
read more: theonion.com/coca-cola-incredibly-hurt-nation-not…
