dave

dave, 2 days ago to actuallyautistic

@actuallyautistic

I have to admit: I was worried about my trip to Italy. My wife was as well.

It's the first time we've travelled away from home in years - since before COVID - and also the first time since I discovered that I'm Autistic.

I was worried about what unmasking has done to my ability to cope with change, disruption to routine and the chaos and unpredictability of travel.

I used everything that I've learned about being Autistic in the last 10 months, and I actually overestimated how stressful and taxing it would be. By doing so, I planned for a lot of downtime. Taking time off work - and not trying to balance work with travel - has also helped tremendously. It has let me focus on travel and rest.

My wife has a chronic illness, which means she needs just as much - if not more - downtime than I do, which helps avoid conflict between our energy levels and motivation. The pace of our travels seems to work well for both of us.

We planned for two full days in Venice. We spent all day yesterday walking and exploring, and today we're mostly staying in our hotel and recharging. We've both become better tuned to our needs, and we both need this downtime before we move on to the last leg of our trip in Rome.

I do expect this coming week to be a bit more challenging, as I'm returning to work while we're still in Italy. But the last couple of weeks has given me more confidence in my ability to recognize, plan and advocate for my needs, and I'm confident that will carry over into this week as well.

#ActuallyAutistic

dave, 1 month ago to actuallyautistic

@actuallyautistic Saw this at the pharmacy and picked it up... curious to see what it says.

#ActuallyAutistic

dave, 4 months ago to actuallyautistic

@actuallyautistic Let's talk emotional dysregulation.

What does it mean for you? How does it manifest in your life?

I've been searching for relatable content around this subject, and I've had a hard time finding anything. Most articles - including ones from neurodivergent and neuroaffirming sources that I could find - talk about what it is and what it means, but not how it feels or what it looks like in reality.

What are some examples of it in your life?

If you have any resources on the subject you're able to share, that would be appreciated too!

#ActuallyAutistic

dave, 3 months ago to actuallyautistic

@actuallyautistic

What do the terms "hyperfixation" and "hyperfocus" mean to you?

I've seen these terms used interchangeably. I'm writing a blog post about hyperfixation coping strategies, and I want to make sure I'm clear on how I'm using these terms.

#AskingAutistics #ActuallyAutistic

dave, 5 months ago to actuallyautistic

@actuallyautistic What are your thoughts on physical activity?

More specifically, do you find that it drains your energy more than most people? That you can't push yourself as hard as others? Or, put another way, that you need more rest and recovery time than most people?

Almost two years ago, I tried Couch to 5K. I made it to week five, then burned out and stopped because it so thoroughly drained every bit of energy I had.

I remember being so puzzled and confused about it. I remember thinking, what's wrong with me? I'm eating well. I'm eating enough. I'm getting enough sleep. I'm resting on my off days. I'm not extraordinarily out of shape and I was keeping up with the program well enough until the fifth week.

In retrospect, I'm wondering if it was an Autistic energy management problem, and I'm curious about others' experiences with C25K and other physical activity programs.

#ActuallyAutistic

dave, 4 months ago to actuallyautistic

@actuallyautistic

The burnout experience, before I knew I was Autistic and expected myself to be able to function like a neurotypical:

Why the hell am I so tired all the time?!
I get 8 solid hours of sleep!
Maybe I'm eating too much sugar.
Maybe I'm not eating enough.
Maybe I'm eating too many processed foods.
Maybe I'm not eating enough protein.
Maybe I'm not drinking enough water.
Maybe I'm not getting enough physical activity.
Maybe I'm drinking too much caffeine.
Maybe I've got mono.
Maybe my body is fighting off a mild infection.

Thoughts that literally never crossed my mind:

Maybe I've had too many demands on my time and energy.
Maybe my senses have been overloaded.
Maybe I'm not giving my brain enough rest (which is different than sleep)
Maybe I need to do LESS.
Maybe I need a lot more alone time.

It's so hard to understand why we feel a certain way when we're trying to understand ourselves as a "normal" person.

#ActuallyAutistic

dave, 6 months ago to digitalnomad

Drove the RV in to a truck repair shop this morning. It took us about an hour to drive 4.7km 🤦‍♂️

Going 10km/h I kept hearing a repeated banging noise. Pulled over on the side of the road and found out pretty quick that the entire exhaust system, including the muffler, had completely come off its mounts. It was dangling by its connection to the engine on one end, and a clothes hanger I used on Friday to keep the tailpipe attached. The muffler was hanging less than an inch from the driveshaft that runs to the rear axle.

Had to jury-rig a solution by using another clothes hanger to wrap around the muffler mounts to keep it away from the driveshaft. It worked well enough that I was able to go 15km/h at most.

That could've gone a lot worse, and I'm really proud of myself for being able to recognize the problem and juryrig a solution. I'm not an automotive expert but my generalized understanding of how systems work really helps me in areas I'm not super familiar with.

That's an #ActuallyAutistic win IMO

Sitting at the repair shop now and I'm nervous and anxious. Can they repair it? How much is it gonna cost? How long will it take?

This is the downside about living the RV Nomad life: when your home needs repairs, you gotta find somewhere else to stay.

#RVLife #DigitalNomad #FullTimeRV

dave, 6 months ago to random

Apparently therapists in Ontario can't practice virtually with clients that are physically outside of Ontario, despite the clients being residents of Ontario?

Sounds like outdated regulations to me. Which I guess shouldn't be surprising.

Totally makes sense that a therapist needs to be registered in the jurisdiction where they practice, but it seems silly to me that that's dependent on the physical location of the client.

dave, 5 months ago to actuallyautistic

@actuallyautistic Once in a while, I wonder what it might've been like to talk to my parents about being Autistic. I doubt it would've been a useful conversation... but I suspect I would've tried to make it more useful by talking about traits and behaviours first, before calling it autism. It would've been interesting to see how much of it they could relate to.

I'm not entirely sure how my dad would've reacted... the few conversations we had as adults felt strained and awkward.

My mom probably would've been confused about why I would think I'm Autistic (just like she was confused about why I thought I needed therapy) but I doubt she would've rejected or doubted the idea. I don't think she'd really accept or acknowledge it either. For her, it'd be more like "Oh, okay, neat... so when can you go to the store for me? I'm out of Tylenol and Diet Coke"

I can see hints of neurodivergence in my memories of both of them. Alas, they both passed long before I discovered I'm Autistic.

#ActuallyAutistic

dave, 8 months ago to ontario

Every day this week in northern #Ontario:

6am: don't wanna get out from under the blankets its so cold 🥶

7am: wearing a t-shirt, a hoodie, a sweater, then a giant blanket sweater on top, with a fleece blanket covering my legs/feet

10am: take the blanket sweater and fleece blanket off

11am: take the sweater off

noon: take the hoodie off

2pm: take off pants and put on shorts 🥵

8pm: put pants back on

9pm: go to sleep under 4 blankets 🥶

#OffGrid #DigitalNomad #RVLife #Boondocking

dave, 4 months ago to actuallyautistic

@actuallyautistic

Finally checked off a maintenance chore I've been putting off for months because I didn't have the spoons.

I feel really good lately. Motivated. Enjoying things. I'm also trying to be very mindful of how I'm feeling, so I don't wind up burning myself out again. I'm trying to find a sustainable balance.

Part of me is hopeful and even confident that this is my new baseline, and a sustainable balance is possible.

Part of me is absolutely terrified this is just the same cycle and in a month or two, I'm going to be completely exhausted and have zero energy to do anything.

#ActuallyAutistic

dave, 7 months ago to random

Back in Toronto today while the RV is in the shop for annual maintenance.

This is my first time in a big, stimulating city since discovering I'm autistic. I was born here and lived here the first 35 years of my life. It's only been the last handful of years that I've not lived here.

The sensory feelings of walking down a busy sidewalk surrounded by people was kinda overwhelming. And I'm finding that it is contributing to a sense of imposter syndrome.

I mean, I lived here for 35 years, experiencing situations like that all the time, and I don't remember it being so overwhelming. And now it is.

So it makes me question everything 😀 Because why wouldn't it? 🤦‍♂️

#ActuallyAutistic

dave, 5 months ago to random

I've seen a lot of conversations on here about people's experiences with sensory overwhelm and how they deal with it - bright lights, loud sounds, painful fabrics and textures, etc.

What I haven't seen talked about very much is smells.

Last night while I was watching TV, a strong, overwhelming burning smell came in from outside. It felt like the whole RV was infested with this smell, and I actually found it really stressful and dysregulating.

I tried lighting a sweet-smelling candle, which I usually find calming, but the smell of the burning wick just amplified the stress.

Have any of my fellow #ActuallyAutistic humans experienced sensory overwhelm with scents? What do you do to cope if you can't get away from it?

dave, 5 months ago to actuallyautistic

@actuallyautistic I've heard "if you've met one Autistic person, you've met one Autistic person" and I understand that people's experiences vary so wildly.

But there are still times when I read about someone's experiences being Autistic that I think, wow, okay, maybe I'm actually not Autistic. 🤔

But then I set a date with my best friend to play a TTRPG, and I've never played one before, and I feel anxious and stressed about going into this having literally zero idea of how a TTRPG works, so I have to watch YT videos and read the rulebook ahead of time to calm myself down.

Or I post here about how I suppressed my most visible stim (hand flapping) as a teenager, and now as a replacement I hold my hands tightly while holding my breath and exhaling rhythmically through my nose.

Then I find it much harder to doubt my identity as an Autistic person 😃

#ActuallyAutistic

dave, 4 months ago to actuallyautistic

@actuallyautistic

Got another chore completed that I had been putting off for months.

These chores weren't particularly complicated. In fact they're kinda "easy" - the trouble was that they required multiple easy steps, and some level of executive function to think ahead about where to start and in what order to complete things.

This chore was "simply" gluing the molding on some of the doors in the RV, because they had come loose.

But that involved setting up a workbench, getting my tools out, finding the glue, removing the doors, taking them outside to a work area, gluing them, clamping them and/or putting weights on top of them, etc

Burnout is not laziness. It's not even really a lack of motivation, though that's the word I've been erroneously using to describe it.

It's a disability. It's the complete lack of ability, in my brain, not just to plan and consider all of these steps, but even to make the decision to get started.

"Just do it" my ass. I CAN just do it - when I'm not in burnout and taking care of myself.

#ActuallyAutistic

dave, 5 months ago to random

Ergh, I always find #introduction posts difficult, because I don't know what to say about myself. I guess I'll start with the basics:

I'm a 38 year old Autistic digital nomad, originally from Toronto, Canada.

Two years ago, my wife and I bought a motorhome and moved in full-time with our German Shepherd, Beau. We picked up Zoe, our Husky, while in Las Vegas in the winter of 2022.

I post a lot about my experience being Autistic, as well as off-grid solar power and RVing. I also post a bit about tech and software development, since that's what I do for a living.

When I'm not in burnout, I love to tinker and dabble in a wide variety of interests, such as writing, drawing, playing guitar and making music, renovating and upgrading my RV, photography, game dev, 3D rendering and animation, ... did I miss any? Probably.

Some things I'm proud of:

• I completely rewired my RV to run off-grid from solar and battery power myself.
• I'm a certified scuba diver.
• I've lived in 8 different countries.
• I love learning and I've taught myself almost everything I know

Fairness is one of my most fundamental core values. I believe that all humans are equal and that everyone deserves joy and to live the life they want.

While I generally find being social exhausting, I love meeting new people. I express myself much more easily and comfortably over text than face-to-face or over the phone, even with the people closest to me.

On one hand, I don't know what else to say. On the other hand, I feel like I could probably ramble on forever with no focus at all.

Got any questions? Feel free to ask. 💚

dave, 3 months ago to RaspberryPi

Anyone have any experience with OrangePi single-board computers?

I'm not looking for a direct RaspPi replacement, just a small computer that runs off 5v. Curious if they're any good.

#RaspberryPi #OrangePi #SingleBoardComputers

dave, 5 months ago to random

During my burnout recovery, I've been closely monitoring my resting heart rate, my heart rate variability, and the "stress management" score on my #Fitbit

I'm really starting to see and understand that there's a clear correlation between those metrics and how I feel.

My RHR has been trending downwards over the last week (87 last Monday, to 77 today), my HRV (an indicator of stress on the body) has been trending upward (27ms last Monday, 38ms yesterday, 29 today)

Stress management has also been on the rise. Today it's 77, which is the highest it has been since Dec 1.

Fascinating. Maybe stress management isn't as useless and inaccurate as I thought it was.

#ActuallyAutistic

dave, 6 months ago to random

@ItsTrainingCatsAndDogs Does it mean I'm doing it right when, instead of having to say "sit! sit! no, sit!" I can just stand there and look at my dog and do nothing and they sit?

Going out the door? Stand there and look at them. Door doesn't open until they sit.

Time for dinner? Dinner isn't served until they sit.

etc. etc.

dave, 2 days ago to random

@actusllyautistic

Here's another example of masking sensory preferences because they're considered "childish":

One of my comfort foods is PB or Nutella sandwiches. While in Italy, I found a loaf of sliced white bread that has no crust, and I was shocked at the difference in my experience between this and normal bread with crust. It's so much more enjoyable and less stressful to eat a sandwich without crust.

It made me recall, as a kid, forcing myself to eat the crust because I would be mocked and shamed for cutting it off.

Even now, writing this, I feel a little self conscious. Like someone is going to say, c'mon, is the crust really so bad? How can eating crust possibly be stressful? You're being a wimp/making a big deal out of nothing.

In reality, it's a small thing. Yes, I can force myself to eat it. I've been doing that for 30 years. But all of those little small instances of masking add up.

Now that I'm thinking about it, I actually have a very specific way of eating a sandwich to minimize the discomfort of eating the crust.

Well... lesson learned here: find bread without crust back home, or don't feel shamed for cutting off the crust.

#ActuallyAutistic

dave, 6 months ago to random

I called the repair shop earlier this morning and they said they were looking into finding a replacement part.

I just prepared a script for when I call them back. It's formatted as nested lists, and I've planned out all the ways the conversation could go and how I'd respond to it, with the singular objective of getting the repair done today so we can be on the road tomorrow.

I've written it out in Obsidian, and I've got a plugin that allows me to expand and collapse nested lists, so I can collapse the whole script and only open the necessary parts as the conversation progresses.

How did I ever doubt I was #ActuallyAutistic? And also, how did I ever get by without doing this? 😂

Oh, right, I just was rarely assertive and accepted whatever people told me until I had time to process it afterward.

This feels so much better.