Last night I listened to a podcast on Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, https://www.divergentpod.com/blog/ep-29
. It’s is common amongst ADHDers, & therefore some autistic folk. And I realise that it’s probably been the main influence in my life, the motivator for my masking, the cause of my fawning response that has sometimes made me vulnerable & often made me squirm, & the source of so much grief & anxiety.
I’ve learned some strategies over the years to help me, both to establish better boundaries & to be more rational in my thinking & less reactive, but have also been led to blame other people for my insecurity, rather than see it as a product of my ADHD (which hadn’t been diagnosed). And guess who was at fault? My parents of course, mainly my mother.
I have no doubt that my mother was AuADHD like me. She had her flaws, but was smart, witty, funny & had a good set of values. She was a bit of a snob, aspirational, but not a victim blamer. Her own health issues arose when she still had one child in primary school, and she died at 45, so she didn’t get the chance to do, learn & reflect as I have over my longer life, (& I’m not done yet!)
But I know her values from so many discussions about newspaper articles & Phillip Adams’ column in the Saturday Age. She, like many of her generation, was still shocked by the enormity & depravity of the Holocaust, even though she was only a child during the war. She judged the German people harshly, but could be very warm with individuals of any background. She befriended a Czech refugee family. She admired Don Dunstan, supported drag queens, loved filling in for a friend who worked for a gay intererior designer in his shop…
I wonder what she would have thought when my sister came out as lesbian, & my oldest as non-binary?
And I wonder how she might’ve responded when I started to explore my own neurodivergence?
I think the podcast is American? Definitely now Australian accents! I’ve listened to quite a few. I’m not good with podcasts & chatty videos, too slow, but if I’m doing a sudoku or I’m on an exercise machine.
@Susan60@actuallyautistic
Oh I just mean look into rsd, sometimes I feel like I’m stuck In autistic acronym land and they locked the door lol. I relate to pda a lot. Now trying to learn about rsd. I didn’t realize it was an American podcast, tbh I’m a bit partial to Aussie or European , uk podcasts, a lot of US podcasters im not such a big fan.
Oh I'm always having to check acronyms. It's one of the reasons I end up with 15 windows open on my laptop! I hate to admit that I struggle with some US accents, but these two people raise some good points.
Ahh
Yeah, ok, yeah it all clicked.
No wonder I threw off my mask so quickly even though afterwards I continue to fall flat on my face. I don’t expect most things to fail now. I just realize there’s a lot of possibilities. It’s still better without the mask. It’s easier to manage for me. Not always, but balance never is.
I’m looking forward to doing some more work with my therapist when I get home. I know that in the past, my people pleasing has been present, at least to a small extent, in therapy relationships. I think that I’ll find it much easier to drop that with her. I like her, but I think realising my autism is making it much easier to regard my relationship with her as 100% professional, with 0 obligation to do any more than treat her with respect. I can feel a weight lifting off my shoulders as I write this.
@Susan60@EVDHmn@actuallyautistic I love that for you! let's go!!! that's such a good feeling. I noticed something similar shortly after I realized I'm Autistic, and it's a mindset that's becoming second nature for me. I've always been able to access "candid," usually just out of sheer fright, but in relationships where I sense risk (that RSD stuff), then I'd always masked a lot in order to please
being objective, direct, and even clinical about emotional stuff in therapy is a HUGE positive
Ive usually been able to be open about my own stuff in therapy, but a need to please the therapist, to try to make them like me, has also been a factor. Being able to put that right aside will be a huge plus. I think my therapist probably thinks quite well of me anyway, but as long as we’re working well, I no longer care.
I think that when I’m with professional people, I always feel a need to show them that I’m “smart”. I had often felt I’d let myself down by not going to uni straight from school & developing a career, but there were very good reasons for not doing so at the time, and I really doubt that I would’ve coped even if circumstances had been different.
But I’m in a much better place about all that stuff now, a retired professional, & while I do sometimes wonder what might’ve been, I realise that my autism & personal circumstances in my youth are simply part of who I am. I’ve managed to do very well considering, (not rich or famous!) but have also been fortunate in some ways.
Realising my autism, which I’ve been “managing” & masking for decades, is taking a long time to process. My masking has been so profound, that working out what’s real & what isn’t is both challenging & scary. But there is an enormous relief that comes with it. I am what I am. I can still try to be better, but according to my standards, rather than unrealistic standards by others & by a society that values productivity & profit over people.
Susan so awesome! Look at you. Thank you so much and everyone helping me which direction I needed to look. Now I need to learn what type of therapy I need to do for rsd and pda. No wonder it felt like part of my mask was still there like spare parts. Do you like therapy? My doctor is pretty nice to the both of us. I’m trying to get my mother in as well, he said there’s a new adhd med supposedly going to be more safe for seniors.
@Susan60 FWIW I changed instances and something went haywire so my follows didn't transfer. I was nickastadon@mindly.social or something close 🤣 So I'll have to re-follow everyone...@actuallyautistic
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