What are some humorous quotes/life advice that would be funny to see embroidered on a throw pillow?

I’ve been wanting to get some humorous quotes embroidered on my throw pillows, and I’ve only got a short list so far. It’s easiest and cheapest to get them all done at once, so I’m trying to come up with a list of about 10-15 to select from before I send them off. Ideally, they’d be vaguely “life advice” but that’s not a hard requirement. If you remember the Demotivational Posters from years ago, think “Demotivational Throw Pillows” to get an idea of what I have in mind.

Current list / examples:

  • “The truth is usually just an excuse for a lack of imagination” - Garak, DS9
  • "There are no bad ideas; just great ideas that go horribly wrong" - Jack Donaghy, 30 Rock
  • "Never go with a hippie to a second location" - Jack Donaghy, 30 Rock

Obviously, they should be fairly short to be able to fit in the available space and shouldn’t be vulgar.

Let’s hear your suggestions, and hopefully they make the cut and provide for some fun ice breakers/conversation pieces.


As suggested by a commenter, here’s the original joke pillow that inspired me:

“Ambition is the willingness to kill the things you love and eat them in order to stay alive”

Haven’t you ever read my throw pillow?!

https://dubvee.org/pictrs/image/83f671fe-0a18-492a-b62a-50a066960a76.webp

scutiger,

Don’t bet on a three-legged horse

bobzilla,

“Yeet” (because, you know, it’s a throw pillow)

stoicmaverick,

"Some motherfuckers are always trying to ice skate uphill."

  • Blade
    • Wesley Snipes
Ifera,

“Life is a bitch, then you die.”

“Take a thousand naked pictures of yourself right now.” That one is part of a longer speech that is really quite moving . https://lemmy.world/pictrs/image/bf7c510a-8dc8-4bc4-81c1-4d9ed25dfad8.jpeg

ShaggySnacks,

Cannibalism, great with friends.

Iamdanno,

There are only two kinds of problems, small and large. The small ones don’t matter, and the big ones are out of your control.

ivanafterall,
ivanafterall avatar

Two in the Pink
One in the Stink

In a really nice, ornate script font.

Cryophilia,
  • Every corpse on Mount Everest was once a highly motivated person.
  • The early bird gets the worm, the early worm gets eaten.
  • We do this not because it is easy, but because we thought it would be easy

Actually saw that last one on a pillow.

crystalmerchant,

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

ptz,
@ptz@dubvee.org avatar

Those are all pretty good, and I had the third one in my email signature for a long time. Thanks!

muffedtrims,
ptz,
@ptz@dubvee.org avatar

Oh, that’s good. I like it.

NOSin,

Had a bit of fun with weird proverbs with coworkers today, two that stayed :

The one who swallow a coconut, has complete trust in his anus.

Don’t pretend to be a tiger when you’re a kitten.

Not really on theme, but the first one will often get a chuckle out of people without having to be on a pillow.

kurcatovium,

“42” - Douglas Adams, Hitchhikers guide to galaxy

Moob,

If it’s wet and not yours, don’t touch it.

ptz,
@ptz@dubvee.org avatar

I may amend it to “If it’s not yours, don’t touch it”. lol. Thanks.

dumples,
dumples avatar

"Don't listen to advice from pillows"
Just a classic paradox

ptz,
@ptz@dubvee.org avatar

Meta and paradoxical. Perfect.

snausagesinablanket,
@snausagesinablanket@lemmy.world avatar

Gaze at the barren landscape before you and see all the fucks I have left to give.

badbrainstorm,
@badbrainstorm@lemmy.today avatar

If you find a toilet in your dream, don’t use it.

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