davep

@davep@infosec.exchange

Does IT stuff.

Likes permaculture, infosec, Tranmere Rovers. But mainly bad jokes stolen from https://www.justthetalk.co.uk/thehaven/17468/urgent-i-need-a-good-joke-right-now

Missing my Dad and little brother.

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davep, to random

For those fools who still think Bear Grylls is better than Ray Mears.

Mears beat the Mongolian wrestling champion, with cracked ribs. Nails

Also, Grylls would be hollowing out a dugong to sleep in, while Mears would already have his shelter well appointed and be drinking some tea made from a local plant only some indigenous tribe knows.

davep, to random

Is anyone else getting @thegx different mastodon instances serially following you?

davep, to random

As a violinist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Dorset back country.

As I was not familiar with the country lanes, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guys had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt bad and apologised to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.

I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my violin and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

davep, to random

My 3 favourite things are eating my family and not using commas.

davep, to random

I'm taking a bit of a break from my "hilarious" jokes etc as real life stuff takes precedence. 👋

davep, to random

Bloody Foreigner.

Coming over here, wanting to know what love is.

davep, to random

An oldie:

An elderly man living alone in Nelson wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard. His only son, Paul, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Paul, I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad, Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried. Love, Paul.

At 4 a.m. the next morning, CID officers and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.

davep, to random

Just found out my wife is a ghost.

I had my suspicions as soon as she walked through the door.

davep, to random

Can anyone tell me what idk means? I keep asking people but they can't help.

davep, to random

I was in a covers band called The Dead Hedgehogs.

We mostly played middle of the road stuff.

davep, to random

Isn't the clunky "Unidentified Anomalous Phenomena" a wee bit tautological? Surely once you've identified it, it's no longer anomalous?

Stick to UFOs, dudes. It's way cooler. And easier to say after a few beers.

davep, to random

The only cow in a small town in England stopped giving milk.

The town folk found out they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply.

They brought the cow from Scotland.

It was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They put the bull in the field with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go to the vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.

If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet rubbed his chin and thought before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland.

"You are truly a wise vet," they said.

"How did you know we got the cow from Scotland?"

The vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Scotland"

davep, to random

How do you tell the sex of an ant?

Drop it in water. If it sinks: Girl ant. If it floats…

davep, to random

Musk has succeeded in making Twitter totally unusable, the massive throbber.

davep, to random

LinkedIn, kindly stop telling me about "top recommendations for your feed". You're not a social network.

I tried a couple of my Dad jokes on there and could virtually hear the embarrassed coughing.

Go away.

davep, to random

The B in Benoit B Mandelbrot stands for ‘Benoit B Mandelbrot’.

davep, to random

When people are sad, I let them colour in my tattoos.

Sometimes all they need is a shoulder to crayon.

davep, to random

phone rings

Danny boy: hello?

The pipes: hey man what’s up

davep, to random

A Viking was shopping at a supermarket when he came across an elderly woman in a wheelchair, almost in tears.

"What's the matter?" he asked.

"Oh," wept the old lady, "I want to have a look at the frozen puddings, but as you can see, there are three steps down into the chiller cabinets."

"No problem," said the Viking, lifting her onto his back. "I'll take you."

He strolled through the chiller cabinets with the woman on his back. She selected several puddings and put them in the basket he was carrying for her. At the other end, her husband was waiting with her wheelchair.

"I'd really like to thank you," said the elderly lady as the Viking set her back down in the chair, "but I don't even know who you are!"

He just waved and walked off.

"I was really worried about you," commented her husband. "What have you been doing?"

"I've been through the desserts on a Norse with no name."

davep, to random

Rush hour chez moi.

davep, to random

Scientists have done an extensive study on the effects of cannabis on sea birds.

They left no tern unstoned.

davep, to random

Last night I watched Australian Masterchef.

Somebody made meringue and they all cheered.

"That's odd" I thought. "Normally in Australia they boo meringue".

davep, to random

A taxi driver picked up a nun. During the ride, he said to her: “I have a question for you, but I’m afraid it will upset you.”

The nun said, “My dear son, I have talked to all kinds of people in my life. I don’t think there is anything you can say that will upset me.”

“Well,” the driver said, “I’ve always had a fantasy of getting oral from a nun.”

The nun, a bit surprised, said, “That’s fine, my son. I might be able to help, but only if you aren’t married.”

The driver answered, I’m not married!” He pulled over and the nun delivered.

However, when he started driving again, the driver admitted, “I’m sorry, I lied, I am married.”

The nun replied, “That’s fine, my son. I haven’t been completely honest with you either – my name is actually Kevin and I’m going to a fancy dress party.”

davep, to random

Perun's latest video on the PLA is rather good https://youtu.be/ckouoTDkrtQ?feature=shared

davep, to random

Baby steps installing my solar system...

Two SMA Sunny Boys to the left, two Sunny Islands to the right, and various protection devices, the AC Bus, and the grid connection with PE to local earth and grid neutral (TT) in the little box to the right.

Next step is to install the battery shelf on the floor and the conduit run below all the gubbins.

Two SMA Sunny Boys to the left, two Sunny Islands to the right, and various protection devices, the AC Bus, and the grid connection to the right

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