davep

davep, 9 months ago to random

I had a medical today and my Doctor said "don't eat anything fatty"

I asked "such as bacon or burgers?"

"No fatty, don't eat anything."

davep, 11 months ago to random

Went to the doctor, he said do you smoke or drink coffee, I said I drink it.

davep, 9 months ago to random

Knock knock

Who's there

Europe

Europe who?

No, You're a poo

davep, 9 months ago to random

I've just bought a Van Gogh coffee table.

Decent condition although it has got a bit of veneer missing.

davep, 1 year ago to random

Burglar breaks into a house

Has a quick look round for the best stuff

A voice says “Jesus is watching”

Burglar turns round to see who was speaking, It was a parrot

“You ok? “ said the parrot “I’m Moses”

“What sort of muppet would call their parrot Moses?” said the burglar

“The same one who called his Rottweiler Jesus” said the parrot

davep, 1 year ago to random

Deciduous trees really don't like the Winter, Spring comes as something of a releaf.

davep, 9 months ago to random

Did you hear about the two TV aerials that got married?

The ceremony was nothing special, but the reception was fantastic.

davep, 1 year ago to random

I read that Elton John has bought a treadmill for his pet rabbit.

It's a little fit bunny...

davep, 1 year ago to random

I've combined my skills of bomb-making and taxidermy...

I'm going to make you an otter you can't defuse.

davep, 11 months ago to random

Hey babe I have good news and bad news...

The good news is I got rid of that bathwater you wanted me to throw out.

davep, 10 months ago to random

Someone's just invented a thought-controlled air freshener.

It makes scents when you think about it.

davep, 1 year ago to random

Dobby the house elf has done well for himself.

#Coronation

davep, 1 year ago to random

Got a new phone so thought I'd check my ring tone. One quick photo later and I can confirm it's light brown.

davep, 10 months ago to random

A man walks into a library, approaches the librarian, and asks for books about paranoia.

The librarian whispers, "They're right behind you."

davep, 1 year ago to random

Without a doubt, my favourite Robin Williams movie is Mrs Fire.

davep, 11 months ago to random

If you spell muffins backwards......it's what you do when you take them out the oven.

davep, 1 year ago to random

IKEA has been accused of evading over £500 million in taxes.

Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years but they're having a really hard time putting their case together.

davep, 11 months ago to random

I was given a terrible thesaurus for my birthday. It’s terrible.

davep, 1 year ago to random

Just got a job as senior director at Old MacDonald's Farm.

I'm the CIEIO.

davep, 10 months ago to random

From @RiverTamYDN on birdshite

davep, 1 year ago to random

My wife thinks our love life has become boring and I’m easily distracted..

..oh well, better get back to it I suppose.

davep, 10 months ago to random

Police officer: I'm arresting you for plagiarising the whole of Wikipedia.

Me: Wait, I can explain everything!

davep, 1 year ago to random

That feeling at the airport baggage carousel when everyone else’s luggage is better than yours?

Worst case scenario.

davep, 1 year ago to random

My grandfather brought down three Messchersmitts and two Heinkels in the Battle of Britain. He was, without doubt, the worst mechanic in the Luftwaffe.

davep, 10 months ago to random

Scientists have done an extensive study on the effects of cannabis on sea birds.

They left no tern unstoned.