davep

@davep@infosec.exchange

Does IT stuff.

Likes permaculture, infosec, Tranmere Rovers. But mainly bad jokes stolen from https://www.justthetalk.co.uk/thehaven/17468/urgent-i-need-a-good-joke-right-now

Missing my Dad and little brother.

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davep, to random

Try this test. Scroll down and do the quiz as it instructs and find out what movie is your favorite.

It really works! This amazing math quiz can likely predict which of 18 films you would enjoy the most. Don't ask me how.

Pick a number from 1-9.

Multiply by 3.

Add 3.

Multiply by 3 again.

Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favorite movie in the list of 18 movies below.

Mine was "Star Wars" - exactly right! So be honest, and do it before you scroll down to see the list below. It's easy and it works.

Now look up your number in the list below...

  1. Gone With The Wind

  2. E.T.

  3. Beverly Hills Cop

  4. Star Wars

  5. Forrest Gump

  6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly

  7. Jaws

  8. Grease

  9. The Joy of Anal Sex With A Goat

  10. Casablanca

  11. Jurassic Park

  12. Shrek

  13. Pirates of the Caribbean

  14. Titanic

  15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark

  16. Home Alone

  17. Mrs. Doubtfire

  18. Toy Story

davep, to random

Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote “The Hokey Cokey”, died peacefully at the age of 83. The most traumatic part for his family was when the funeral directors put him into the coffin. First they put his left leg in ...

And that's when the trouble started.

davep, to random
davep, to random

My friend couldn't afford to pay his water bill

So I sent him a "get well soon" card

davep, to random

Little known fact: soul singer Bill Withers had a brother called ‘Bear’ who wrote telephone hold music.

davep, to random

The only cow in a small town in England stopped giving milk.

The town folk found out they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply.

They brought the cow from Scotland.

It was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They put the bull in the field with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go to the vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.

If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet rubbed his chin and thought before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland.

"You are truly a wise vet," they said.

"How did you know we got the cow from Scotland?"

The vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Scotland"

davep,

@VickForcella I think @jerry who is the admin of infosec.exchange got into some sort of "mine is bigger than yours" battle with another instance and we've ended up with something fun like eleven thousand characters, which is great for shaggy dog stories and the like.

davep, to random

Went to the doctors and he told me I needed a pacemaker.

So now I've got this annoying Kenyan athlete two yards in front of me everywhere I go.

davep, to random

Walking through the graveyard the other day and I spotted somebody squatting behind a gravestone.

"Morning," I said to which they replied, "No, just having a shit."

davep, to random

Dave went skiing with his mate Neil. So they loaded up Dave's car and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realise it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Dave said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather improves, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Dave got an unexpected letter from an solicitor. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the lawyer of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Neil and said, 'Do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' Said Neil.

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the night, go to the house and pay her a, visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Neil said, embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my details instead of telling her your name?'

Neil's face turned bright red and he said, 'Yes, look, I'm sorry, mate. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left her entire estate to me.'

davep, to random

The Innuendo Society has seen a sudden rise in members recently.

davep, to random

My 3 favourite things are eating my family and not using commas.

davep, to random

Got a new phone so thought I'd check my ring tone. One quick photo later and I can confirm it's light brown.

davep, to random

Deciduous trees really don't like the Winter, Spring comes as something of a releaf.

davep, to random

I just got fired from my job as a taxi driver. Turns out people don't like it when you go the extra mile for them.

davep, to random

I said to my dentist, "Have you got something that will make my teeth whiter?"

He said, "Try polish."

I said, "Masz coś, co sprawi, że moje zęby będą bielsze?"

davep, to random

I've combined my skills of bomb-making and taxidermy...

I'm going to make you an otter you can't defuse.

davep, to random

Burglar breaks into a house

Has a quick look round for the best stuff

A voice says “Jesus is watching”

Burglar turns round to see who was speaking, It was a parrot

“You ok? “ said the parrot “I’m Moses”

“What sort of muppet would call their parrot Moses?” said the burglar

“The same one who called his Rottweiler Jesus” said the parrot

davep, to random

My grandad always said, when one door closes, another one opens.

He was a lovely man but a terrible cabinetmaker.

davep, to random

Q: What's Bob Marley's favourite doughnut?

A: He likes the one with jam in

Q: What was The Wailers favourite doughnut?

A: They like jam in too

davep, to random

I scared the postman today by going to the door naked.

I’m not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.

davep, to random

My teacher said I would never be any good at poetry because of my dyslexia, but so far I've made three vases and a jug.

davep, to random

I have a step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.

davep, to random

A man walks into a butchers.

Man: “Can you help me? I think I’m a moth.”

Butcher: “You’d be better off at the psychiatrist next door.”

Man: “Yes, I know, but your light was on.”

davep, to random

ENTER NEW PASSWORD:

"chicken."

PASSWORD MUST CONTAIN A CAPITAL:

"chickenkiev."

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