Feeling stressed and dysregulated today.
In part because some analysis is not as conclusive as I hoped for, in part due to other people being inconsistent af, in part due to big big meeting coming up tomorrow where I will put forward some asks for Neurodiversity support to our senior leadership at my work and is so important to me... And a few other small unplanned, uncertain things sprinkled about. Aaaaaahhhh! #ActuallyAutistic
Morning everyone. Last night was bad, this morning is very bad. There are things upsetting me that I really want to talk about but I can't right now because it'll take up all my energy and I need that energy for all the work that keeps piling up and for which I am not remotely adequate paid.
Previous boost: one of the reasons I never learned to drive is that I don't trust myself to interpret other drivers' intentions correctly. I have enough trouble walking and ending up in the sorry-no-you-go-first dance.
Sigh... Suddenly having people around, in a new house, while still having to do moving with all that entails and some "transition stuff" just "crashed" my brain.
Have been able to do small amount of things around house today, but overall not been able to concentrate on anything...
I'm so mad right now. I was just telling my Mom about my Dad's injury. They've been divorced for 30 years now, but they've always been friendly with each other. But my mom is very much the kind of person to blame people for certain illnesses, especially on my Dad's side of the family. My maternal grandma had diabetes and died of complications from a heart attack, which was "obviously" her own fault. And she won't hear otherwise.
When I told her they gave my Dad a walker, she wondered if he felt like his grandpa. I reminded her that I also use a mobility device. I would have loved to be spry into my 80s like the rest of the family, but that's not how it worked out. Blaming people for how they age is just cruel and has contributed to so much grief in coming to grips with my health.
I "did everything right". I ate how my doctors recommended, exercised a lot, got regular checkups. But that's not a guarantee of any kind of good health, and it's bullshit that people act as though it is.
My health insurance keeps denying my mental healthcare stuff. They won’t cover the dietician, decided my therapist isn’t in network, won’t cover my psychiatrist. All they will pay for is an incompetent nurse practitioner in a bad neighborhood who joked about changing all of my meds on the first visit. I’m paying $437 a month for it with no subsidies and still getting denied. My therapist is $141 a session, dietician is $156, psychiatrist is $380. sigh Will have to stop the dietician.
I've been on the housing register since I was discharged from hospital homeless in July last year. I bid on properties when available each week. I'm far back in the queue. I hope they don't take me off the register. I would love the security of a council home tenancy one day.
I was supposed to go do woodland volunteering this morning. I'd said I was going to go. I should go. It is unequivocally A Good Thing. I love the woods and I should want to help. I am clearly not a good person if I choose not to help the woods when I'm capable of doing so.
But I woke up about 4am in a panic, absolutely terrified of having to go and do the volunteering. Panicking about having to mask and Be A Normal Human around other volunteers. Panicking about all the mud (I am a very clumsy and ill-coordinated person and I find the effort to keep myself steady on uneven ground can get overwhelming). Panicking about having to saw through things which I'm so bad at because I'm clumsy and ill-coordinated and can't cut in a straight line. Panicking about having to work with other people whilst I try to saw. Panicking about other people trying to help whilst I take forever trying to cut something properly.
So I cried off. And I don't know if I can ever go again because these problems aren't going to go away. And if I was a good person then right now I'd be getting my stuff together, getting ready to leave and to help the woods that I love.
But I'm an absolute failure who can't even do a simple thing like cutting back plants before the spring, when it needs doing for the benefit of the community's woods. I hate myself. I don't want to be this person at all.
Any recommendations from @novid homebound people re: best platform/procedure for me to watch movies/tv online with friends online? So far we've just been getting on a video call on one device and then hitting 'play' together on another. It's never really in sync.... #CovidIsNotOver#novid
I'm here laying in bed, trying to wind down and get my pain back down so I can fall asleep at a good hour, and I hear conflict coming from the kitchen because a teen got "too much" oatmeal from the fridge.
We have to ration all the food so everyone gets enough.
My partner has been prevented from working as much as we need them too because of harrassment from the landlord, the neonazis upstairs from us, and the fact that we kept getting sick from when the kids were in public school (we had to pull the kids out and go back to homeschooling, again).
Our SNAP been cut again due to Social Security raising our benefits.
The food bank doesn't carry the food we need because we have lots of food allergies and dietary needs, and all the food banks have are wheat, sugar, peanut butter and dairy. 3 of us have wheat allergies and Celiacs, and 2 of us have a dairy allergy, 2 of us a peanut allergy. 2 of us can eat eggs, but the banks by us don't ever have eggs. The food banks don't even have canned veggies. The last food bank we went to had loaves of stale wheat bread, bitter half rotted squash, 2 yrs past expiry date cans of pumpkin, boxes of stove top stuffing, Capri Sun packets, potato chips, mac and cheese boxes, jug of milk, packs of craft cheese, peanut butter crackers-- that kind of stuff.
We are in a rural area and it's a food desert. The stores in town are the yuppy food stores and expensive.
I already don't eat as much as I need to because I save it all for the kids. They are going through growth spurts and need to constantly eat. I wish we had enough
@ShinyAmygdala I'm so sorry, it hurts that this is happening in one of the world's wealthiest countries. I don't understand how society has just accepted that situations like yours is fine.
You know those cheap barely-flavoured tortilla chips in the supermarket? Put them in any hot sandwich. Crunch makes every sandwich better. Trust me on this. #sandwiches