My memory has gotten worse and worse. I think it’s a matter of age, neurological damage/cognitive decline due to bipolar disorder and other stressful events, and worsened memory that was never great because of ADHD. I need to write everything down nowadays. Other than that, no; I think the rest of the symptoms have been similar throughout my life.
Exhaust your body - put on techno and dance, work out, do something physical that will get your blood pumping… it’s what helps me when I’m in that state.
Just a note to the non-ADHD lurkers (we love you guys) my understanding is that this is an ADHD specific thing where we need the come down from stimulation to “switch off” sometimes - I think it’s probably awful advice for neutotypical folks and will just flood you with endorphins that keep you awake.
Also, as always, ADHD isn’t monolithic and your mileage may vary.
Ah wait this need for a “come down” from stimulation might explain a lot of things for me.
If I’m coming down from a long day/walk/etc. the tiredness hits me, but if I don’t go to bed and fall asleep fast enough, even if I’m relaxing, then I will no longer be sleepy and will struggle to fall asleep.
I have found a couple things help me pretty reliably. Listen to something calming and repetitive like white noise or rain sounds. Then have a mundane thing to think about and focus on. I will visualize starting with a cube of wood and slowly cutting the edges and corners of to make a sphere. Or imagine I am cleaning a flow with methodic sweeping and mopping.
Definitely the absolute worst - your brain is constantly being fed interesting things… I’ve found Civ and similar games bringing me to dawn without realizing it.
I got hooked young - one day my dad came home with a copy of Civilization (the Win 95 version I think) and said, “I think computer games are going to take off”.
The only thing I've found that helps is feeling like I achieved something worthwhile in my day. So after 6+ hours of video games it'll be like 1am, I'll yawn and suddenly think, oh I should get in a couple hours of writing. Whereas if I had already cleaned the house and emailed my family then I'll be in bed by 11.
It's a problem where the solution is to not have the problem in the first place, which doesn't help if you already have the problem.
He could hyperfocus on that niche area of law. With the right searches you can find actual court documents that give you explicit wording of what to say or present. Can also help them avoid saying or doing the wrong thing.
My understanding is, that the hyperfocus sets in for something that catches ones attention in the right way. If one was able to do that deliberately with any chosen task/topic, would it still be an “attention deficit”?
It can’t just be explicitly directed. But in this case, the ADHD friend in question already has a vested interest in the subject. That makes it much easier to get a dopamine fix by digging into that subject.
That’s true. The circumstances could be right. If reading laws somehow put him off though, the criticality of acquiring this knowledge might still not offset the “negative” dopamine.
Interestingly, some of the research that I’ve read has been pulling at that thread - there are possible evolutionary advantages to ADHD and specific situations in which people with ADHD (innattentive type, myself) actually excel over neurotypical people.
I know, but even those theories (if we talk about the same ones) argue with the attention quickly swapping to new situations, making one practically a “problem solver”. I think, however, that still only works out under the right circumstances and might only be an advantage in the statistical median. Some problems/topics simply don’t catch ones attention and then the missing dopamin rush will simply prevent one from focusing on it. So I think someone with ADHS alone would have a big evolutionary problem, but in a group of people they can jump into action whenever the right circumstances occur and then solve whatever it is quicker than anyone else.
So I think someone with ADHS alone would have a big evolutionary problem, but in a group of people they can jump into action whenever the right circumstances occur and then solve whatever it is quicker than anyone else.
Interesting insight - presumably any evolutionary advantage to ADHS would be due to an improved ability to procreate (jumping into action, making the opposite sex… happy… by saving the day) or to stay alive (jumping into action and staying alive to procreate another day).
I think, however, that still only works out under the right circumstances and might only be an advantage in the statistical median
I definitely agree on both counts. I’ll have to go looking for some recent studies to see what’s going on these days in the research.
The statistical significance is always key. But effect size is important.
There’s the concept of correlation, as well - there could be a statistically significant correlation, but it could still be either a weak correlation or a strong correlation.
Again, definitely piqued my interest for digging into some psychology research again! Thank youfor that.
fwiw, my hyperfocus, coupled with an autistic interest in how the mind works, enabled me to get a degree in mathematics and degree in psychology.
i have other co-occuring disorders that compounded things though such that i can’t really work or do anything economically productive with those degrees, sadly
but your message just put a smile on my face, so thank you :D
edit: such that I can’t YET really work or do anything economically productive with those degrees
I’ve been wondering lately if I wouldn’t be more able to control it if I’d been educated in a way that was for me.
On one hand, the trauma from big and small punishments for not being as good at “traditional” task completion styles causes a certain type of reaction around task completion. I think this negative side is the side most people would agree with.
But aside from the present negatives, what about the absent positives? Most people get educated from early childhood to complete tasks in a style that suits them. The systemic memory of how to complete tasks the way neurotypical people complete tasks gets passed down to them and gives them the best chance to get the best of their inherent way of doing things. What if people who complete tasks differently had this sort of education? Would controlling the hyper fixation be more universal? Idk just something I’ve been thinking about.
It makes me sad to read these stories. Neurotypical people have an incredibly difficult time understanding that their lived experience is not the same as other people. They try to force a square peg in a round hole and when that fails they accuse the peg of non-compliance and set about knocking the corners off it.
My daily task is to sit with my daughter and tell her she’s ok and remind her of all the amazing things she is and does. She didn’t choose to be like this, none of us chooses our DNA, parents, environment, preferences. Let’s stop pretending that free will exists and accept each others lived experience. That’s the path to compassion and love.
T would benefit from reaching out for mental/behavioral health assistance above and beyond just seeing a psychologist and psychiatrist. He needs additional supportive services that may be called something like “skills training”.
With that in place, and a demonstrated record of showing signs of improvement, and a lawyer, he ought to be able to get custody back.
Might be worth seeing if the administration can come to an agreement that he gets further supportive services before they reduce custody.
T would benefit from reaching out for mental/behavioral health assistance above and beyond just seeing a psychologist and psychiatrist. He needs additional supportive services that may be called something like “skills training”.
He has been seeking that help, but it was only after being annoying for years that he got a doctor to agree to prescribing Adderall. Mental health services here are criminally underfunded, and private therapy is also not an option due to his financial situation.
he ought to be able to get custody back
He hasn’t lost anything yet. At some point they’ll hand him a contract to accept or reject a new custody regime, and if he refuses to sign it, it might predictably be taken to the courts.
Mental health services here are criminally underfunded
Par for the course in the USA.
He has been seeking that help, but it was only after being annoying for years that he got a doctor to agree to prescribing Adderall.
Also, par for the course in the USA. Recently, Adderral has been undergoing a DEA mandated supply shortage and since the 00s doctors really have been averse to prescribing it, in particular. There are now non-stimulant alternatives with less side effects.
What I am saying though, is that he needs a social worker to be spending an hour every week with him. If he is on Medicaid, due to his financial and medical situation, then he should be readily approved for the “skills training” side of mental/behavioral health care, which often comes from a social worker.
Ah, well, then none of my advice likely applies, unfortunately. It would help to know what country you need the advice for. Some western countries might follow a similar style of treatment, where you need to get the help of a “social worker” for “skills of daily living”
Well, I spent a little bit of time digging, because I was curious, but the language barrier is making it a little slower.
My best advice for you would be for you to reach out to the Minesterio de Sanidad. Tell them that you are reaching out in concern for a friend, explain the basics of his situation, with an emphasis on his struggles with keeping a clean house, etc., and that you want to find out what services the Sistema Nacional de Salud offers on an outpatient basis for assistance with daily living skills or rehabilitation.
They ought to be prepared to handle a request like that without too much routing around. The goal is to find out what they can do to help your friend satisfy the courts requirements for a child rearing environment.
edit: oh, also, check out sid-inico.usal.es - in Spain, what you need is one of the publicos “Centros de Dia” services, or maybe privados con plazas concertadas, but T sounds like he would belong to the Asistidos category of needs
I appreciate your enthusiasm, but virtually everyone here knows their local healthcare center (centros de día o centros de salud) from which we interact with these institutions. Given that I already mentioned that T isn’t in a good financial situation, someone from here would correctly assume that all medical interventions related to his ADHD have been handled through the public system. Just so that you understand, this is the equivalent of telling someone from the US with problems to pay taxes to get in contact with the IRS.
Well, in that case, advise him to the pressure on the centros de dia o centros de salud to get him the help with cleaning house like he did with the doctor and Adderall.
As an aside, indeed, in the US, if you have a problem with paying your taxes, you have to talk to the IRS. Same with healthcare, you have to engage with the social services system to get the right services.
But again, don’t lose sight of my main point - leverage social services assistance for custody purposes in the long run.
Apart from the ADHD, it sounds like it’s time for T to get a lawyer who specializes in child custody issues, and preferably a lawyer who is not afraid to go to court. My wife’s first lawyer presented himself as someone who wanted to work hard to avoid court and resolve things through negotiations that reached a mutually acceptable solution. That’s all well and good if everyone’s trying to work towards a good solution, but her ex-husband was ready to burn it all down because she dared to leave him and that first lawyer was almost a liability in the courtroom even with things that should’ve clearly gone her way. Her new lawyer is a fighter and is able to shut down any crap the ex-husband tries to pull now, and he hasn’t tried anything in a couple years.
Unfortunately, a lawyer like that doesn’t come cheap. You can help lower costs some by trying to do as much as you can gathering and organizing evidence so when you meet with the attorney they don’t have to spend as much time doing that. Most of the evidence gathering falls on the client anyway. The attorney should be able to give guidance on what that evidence should be and how to organize it. You’ll probably want at least 3 copies of everything and have it in binders when going to court or some other meeting that needs evidence. And evidence is key with all of this; he can’t just say the kids were with their mom when they missed school, he’ll need to have papers showing the custody schedule and papers showing their attendance.
All of this sounds like it will be a challenge for T, both financially and organizationally. He will have to find a way for the sake of his girls, and will probably need as much help as you and your family can give him. If the ex-wife is trying to prevent the girls from getting treated for their ADHD that could have bad effects for the girls both short- and long-term. Courts and social services generally take a negative view on obstructing treatment, but T will have to prove that’s happening. And it sounds like the mom has tried to weaponize social services against him. He can succeed in fighting against it but will need to do a lot of work.
This might become the most important fight of his life.
Just a note, I wouldn’t immediately assume that it’s been the mother of the girls who has been stoking the fire, at least neither T nor his partner have told me anything of the sort. It wouldn’t be impossible for a worker of the school to contact social services upon noticing that the girls were routinely having issues, and someone from there deciding he was the easiest target to take the fall.
Plus the increased personal responsibilities that come with adult hood means you have less room to fuck up.
a 5yo can fuck up every step down the line and still cheer for victory because mom and dad needed a win and gaslighted the kid into believing they did things on their own.
I literally had to tell my boss during my annual review that I deal with executive disorder for him to understand. Thankfully, after he looked it up, it seems he’s understood pretty well, but just telling people you have ADHD doesn’t seem to do much anymore.
My ADHD is so severe that I flunked out of high school even though I was placed in all college prep and AP classes. My parents were both born in the 1930’s, so their solution was ground me. For four years. I had no idea what was wrong with me, and by the 10th grade I was convinced I was stupid. Then after high school I found the joys of self-medicating with alcohol and cocaine. I literally wasted 20+ years drifting from manual labor job to manual labor job, and staying trashed on the weekends. I used to be angry about it, now I’m just sad. Things could have been different. Now I’m too old, too tired, and too unemployable to care anymore. Thank Fat Baby Jeebus I never had children.
ADHD is commonly referred to as an executive dysfunction - it also effects non-executive tasks and time management in general but, coming into adulthood, you’ll truly understand why it’s a recognized disability and stare in shocked horror at ADHD havers of prior generations.
It was really unfortunate in school if you failed to complete an assignment and had to repeat a course or a grade but if you can’t manage to pay rent or utility bills (even when you have the money to) you’re fucked. It can also be difficult to keep jobs if you struggle to produce consistent output potentially depriving you of the money to pay those bills.
When you were a kid you (hopefully) would always have a roof over your head and food to eat - being an adult means losing that guaranteed safety net. Even if we’ve had years to practice coping methods the price of failure is extremely steep.
It’s also for this reason that I’ve encouraged everyone I know in the states with ADHD to emigrate - the social safety nets in America effectively don’t exist for us as they have qualifications and constant high amounts of effort to maintain enrollment. If you get fucked once in America you’re going to be in a bad place.
Adderall isn’t an approved medication outside of the United States though, and it’s the only drug that works for me. Plus… I’m already having a hard enough time. You need tens of thousands saved up to even afford a move, and then go through the immigration process? All that paperwork? Obviously there are better safety nets outside of the United States but most people privileged enough to afford to leave would also be in less need of a safety net.
I moved out of country for about three thousand dollars in total and most of that was moving fees for shipping my possessions across the country. Canadian immigration costs are actually extremely reasonable and your out of pocket fees to the governor for applications will usually be under a thousand dollars (mine was especially affordable since I immigrated on a fiance visa).
Everyone’s situation is different, so don’t feel pressured to leave - especially if you have a strong social safety net in the form of family and friends… I unfortunately didn’t really have that.
My main point though is that even people of privilege with high paying jobs (I’m a software developer myself) can suddenly get hit with a series of tragedies or other events that unbalance us and put us, in particular, in a place that we’ll struggle to dig ourselves out of. There was a time in university when I ran out of meds and got hit by a bout of depression and escaped it purely by the intervention of a friend getting me to call the pharmacy and authorize a third party medication pickup and then going to grab the meds. That experience terrified me because of how helpless I felt trying to organize my life while experiencing a lack of meds and withdrawal.
Shit can be hard - and yea, we’re not all the same… so my advice might not work for you.
Edit: I checked - and the visa I got my PR card on is now 1,205 $CAD potentially with additional fees for things like photos and background checks. The business PR path is 2385 $CAD - full information available here: ircc.canada.ca/english/information/fees/fees.asp
Sounds like you have to be sponsored by a company to make the move though via a business visa? That still basically only happens to people in high paying jobs.
You’re in a high paying career and knew someone in the country, that made things way easier for you, and indiscriminately giving the advice that people should emigrate makes you sound like a privileged tool.
You’re in a high paying career and knew someone in the country, that made things way easier for you, and indiscriminately giving the advice that people should emigrate makes you sound like a privileged tool.
The negativity is immense - why are you seeking such an adversarial interaction?
What am I supposed to suck your dick for giving out terrible advice that only a small proportion of the population can follow through on? I’m literally just telling you how you actually come across. Hear it or don’t.
The way they went about getting their point across isn’t great but that said, there are legitimate reasons why you don’t see everyone leave for another country even if that is exactly what they want to do. Especially if you are someone that struggles to survive here let alone put away a few grand to cover the expenses of moving to another country, do the planning and research needed, tie up loose ends etc. Living abroad may be good for neurodiverse people but the actual process of leaving the US and settling elsewhere as a permanent resident is not.
In Sweden we have a choice of Dexamfetamine, Lisdexamfetamine, Methylphenidate and Atomoxetine. Diagnosis is $30 and medication cost is capped at $200/yr. American refugees welcome.
You made the best cars too. Shame it’s so damn cold there much of the year. I have chosen to live in Imperial Beach, because I can’t afford Hawaii, and IB has my definition of perfect weather. Never gets above 85°F/30°C never drops below 40°F/5°C. There’s also frequently a steady breeze coming off the ocean. I don’t need an air conditioner, an only use my space heater for a couple months overnight each year.
Saab 9-3 Aero was peak car. I get 25-30C summers and -5-+5C winters. Not too different from you, but I usually get snow a couple of random days each winter. Days are short in winter though.
Oh and my very average 1500 sqft house is 10 minutes from a major city center and cost me $300k. How does that compare?
IB is a 4sq mile town that’s next to San Diego, and Tijuana. Admittedly my house is almost twice your size, and cost $800,000. I’m also less than a mile from the ocean, so I can bike there with my surfboard, and less than a six hour train and taxi ride from several different climate types.
I loved my 1986 SAAb 900 SPG. I refuse to buy a SAAb that was made after GM bought them.
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