What's a good and non patronising way to help my neighbour out

My neighbour has a cat called Stevie. Stevie hangs out with us a lot and we look after him when my neighbour is away.

Yesterday we found Stevie very unwell in our garden. We took him to the neighbour and she immediately rushed him to the vet.

She mentioned the vet was 200 dollars which was a big unexpected expense for her. Her son’s birthday is on Monday and she won’t be able to do anything for his birthday now.

My wife and I are fortunate enough for 200 dollars to not be a lot of money for us and we want to help, but I’m unsure how.

One option would be that we leave her a little card with 100 dollars and write that we wanted to help because we care about Stevie too.

Another idea is we ask her to do some gardening for us (that’s her job, and we’re too busy to do it ourselves right now).

I don’t want her to feel patronised or awkward about any of this… Happy to take insights.

wesker, (edited )
@wesker@lemmy.sdf.org avatar

Just be up front. Tell her how much you appreciate both her, and Stevie. Tell her since it’s still so close to the holiday season, you hope she’ll accept a holiday gift, on Stevie’s behalf. Hand her the envelope, with the card and money. Let her do the typical “are you sure? you shouldn’t…” and just insist, that you want her to have it. It’s highly unlikely to go the wrong way.

EDIT: I personally wouldn’t be the one to suggest a work trade, up front. That takes a “thoughtful gift” into the “charity” zone. If she offers however, then you can graciously accept.

Noedel,

Yeah I don’t want to make our relationship murky by expecting her to work for me and get paid for it. Especially because we already help each other out with minor things anyway

intensely_human,

“$200 is easy for me and hard for you right now. It sure would make my day if you’d let me give you $200”

“I don’t know if I can pay you back”

“How about next time you’re up and I’m down, you can help me out. I know you would anyway”

Vinny_93,

My two cents: bottom line she needs the cash, and fast. Don’t worry about pride. Don’t have her do your garden work if you’re not hiring her because of her skills.

You can ask if there is anything you can do to help and don’t be vague about wanting to give financial support. If she says she won’t take your money, call it a loan. Make it very clear the the first priority is that this cat is healthy and the kid has a nice birthday. Money, pride, all that stuff comes not even second. Not even third.

brygphilomena,

Loans suck. Even if it’s a “loan” where you don’t expect it back, it has a weird obligation that the receiving person has on their mind that in some way shape or form they either have to pay it back or feel bad they can’t. It can ruin some relationships.

JohnDClay,

Some people won’t take a loan either. Maybe put the money in the mail box in an envelope? Or is that too secretive?

EldritchFeminity,

Yeah, imo the way to handle it is to be straightforward about it, but ultimately leave the choice to her. Something like, “We love Stevie too and want to help any way we can, and we know how hard an unexpected expense like this can be, so if you’ll let us, we’d love to pay for the vet bill so you don’t have to worry and can have a nice time on Monday with your kid.”

aberrate_junior_beatnik,

People’s emotional well-being is arguably more important than their financial well-being. The latter’s value is in supporting the former (along with basic physical needs, which in this case seem to be taken care of). So yeah, taking some time to consider how a financial donation might impact someone’s feelings is worth it.

mateomaui,

Great suggestions already offered, so I just want to thank you for such caring about Stevie and his owner.

Pounddc1,

HMU on telegram if you got verified Id.me let hit $100k upwards and split @pounddc1

intensely_human,

The way to help a person without being condescending is to add ZERO padding to your offer. Make it as direct as possible.

“Hey it makes us feel bad that you can’t afford your son’s birthday party now. Would it be okay with you if we provided the $200? It would really make us feel better”

No padding, no qualification, nothing. And frame it as what it is: a request for her to help you feel gratified by helping.

“Will you please let us pay? It would mean a lot to us” is how you need to present it to not be condescending.

los_chill,

Stevie is the perfect way to deflect but still be direct. “We love Stevie and would like to contribute to his recovery.”

Wish we all had neighbors like you.

Noedel,

Thanks. I think I’m overthinking this. I’ve never been in a place in life where I would be able to help people like this but I’ve caught a few lucky breaks career wise where I get to so a job I love that also happens to pay very well… So this is new territory for me.

thechadwick,

Another post mentioned just giving cash anonymously and I think that’s easily the best option. You would almost certainly have access to their mailbox if it’s a suburban stand alone type? If not, an unmarked envelope under the door, with cash, would preserve plausible distance from making the neighbor feel like they have to decline out of etiquette.

Don’t think about it more, they clearly need the help if they mentioned it, and if you can help without feeling the impact just do so without strings or direct attribution. They’ll suspect it, and can if they approach you in genuine thanks if they want, then you’re able to be gracious about accepting, or simply act surprised and happy that such a nice thing happened if not.

I’ve had people clearly embarrassed at the grocery checkout take a 50$ bill I claimed fell out of their pocket before several times. Preserves their dignity even if it’s just a pretext for helping. Puts the ball in their court at least. “Hey man, I don’t know what to say but it’s not mine. Pay it forward for someone who needs help if it’s not yours” is the worst that’s ever gone for me before. Nobody likes being a charity case.

Noedel,

That’s awesome. Thanks.

Bunnylux,
@Bunnylux@lemmy.world avatar

The fact that she happened to mention the cost of the vet and that she won’t be able to do anything for her sons birthday now is telling. No one with too much pride to accept money would divulge that.

Noedel,

Ahh I do know her a little bit and know she’s been struggling a bit to find work. But you’re right. I’ll help Stevie out and will try not to overthink.

DontMakeMoreBabies,

If this is real, you seem like a good person and I'm going to keep your example in mind.

I'm in a place where $200 isn't much, but if someone helped me help my kid that'd be priceless.

SupraMario,

If she hasn’t paid the bill yet. Call the vet and pay it.

Noedel,

Just gave the vet a ring but it seems to be paid for already

SupraMario,

Well at least you tried. I’d just cram $200 in her hand and say thanks for being a good pet owner.

ech,

If secrecy is the route op decides on, this would probably be the best bet. Ask the vet to just say it’s part of their pro-bono work or something.

SupraMario,

Yep, I’ve paid a lot of neuter/spay bills this way, most people know because I’d rather they keep their animals and have them fixed, than end up with the rescue we run.

VeryVito,

Kindness isn’t patronizing. Just offer to help because you care for Stevie and your neighbor. No need to make it a debt (or worse, make her “work it off”), which would redefine your relationship as employer/employee. Just friends doing what friends do.

Hikermick,

I think she would appreciate the $100 because you care about Stevie too. It’s very touching and when you phrase it that way it’s like you’re helping the cat not her. Not patronizing at all

khannie,
@khannie@lemmy.world avatar

100% agree with this one. Just drop it in a card with a note. The stress removed by having a birthday sorted is going to heavily outweigh the pride issue.

intensely_human,

I would skip the card and note. Makes it more formal, thus increasing the social weight.

SuiXi3D,
SuiXi3D avatar

You did a thing, didn’t consider all of the consequences, and are now worried about saving face? You said yourself $200 isn’t a big deal for you. Just give her the money, Christ.

JohnnyCanuck,
@JohnnyCanuck@lemmy.ca avatar

You did a thing, didn’t consider all of the consequences

What thing did OP do? Maybe you mean OP made the cat sick? I don’t think that’s the case, they just found the cat and it was sick.

aberrate_junior_beatnik,

OP did nothing wrong, and is not asking how to save face for themself, but how best to preserve the dignity of their neighbor while still giving them money. Learn to read.

Noedel,

I’ve not done anything yet. I’m asking for advice about how to help my neighbour in a respectful way.

eskimofry,

If it was anybody else they probably would have. Since it’s their hardworking neighbor who doesn’t beg for money; they are worried (and rightfully) if offering money would hurt somebody’s pride.

But as you argued… It’s the right thing to do though, and I urge OP to do it.

Candelestine,

I’d go with B, offer her work. Will allow her to keep her dignity. She’s probably not stupid, she likely knows you’re better off than her. Couching it in terms of work for pay allows everything to be normal and on the up-and-up.

Noedel,

Sorry you’re being down voted. It’s a legit option. The reason I do think it’s a less appropriate option is because we’ve already been doing things for each other for free (watering plants and stuff) so “hiring” her would make that relationship transactional all of a sudden.

Candelestine,

No worries, I wasn’t expecting that to be overly popular. I was thinking it would be a better way to help out in the long term though, instead of this just being about one pet.

Backsideslappy,

I think the idea of sending them a “get well soon” card for Stevie with some cash tucked in is a perfectly reasonable and subtle enough idea. Asking somebody to work for you to earn cash for their kids birthday because of unexpected expenses seems a bit on the nose to me but I’m not really familiar with the relationship I suppose.

Noedel,

Off to get one now 😄

intensely_human,

Just be aware money attached to a written note about Stevie’s illness could be seen, in the unlikely event there’s court between you two, as an admission of liability for Stevie.

Noedel,

Lol I’m not in a country that operates like that.

ninjan,

Yeah, much better to, if she protests the money, go “no no but we might need some help in the garden…” And then say she can consider it a down payment on that if that feels better for her but that really it’s just that you care for them as you should care for your neighbors.

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