I lived with my grandparents from grade 6 until i moved out after highschool, because we didnt have anywhere else to live. Family was always my grandmothers first priority. As she would say, “im the eldest. its my responsibilty. (to take care of our family)”
10 years later the girl was living with decided she wasnt happy and ended the relationship. I was saving up to propose to her what would have been 3 months after this happened. I went into debt for us because she couldnt hold a job for more than a month after we moved in together. She was paying for a 2 bedroom apartment by herself before we moved in together. I did then and still dont make enough to really to support me on my own let alone provide for both of us, being poor still sucks. But thats not the worst yet
So i moved back home because to my grandmother, she is the eldest and its her responsibilty to make sure family is okay.
She developed alzheimers on fixed income. I am not trained for caregiving but as she could no longer be by herself i passed on a lot of opportunities because i felt i needed to be there for her in her time of need like she was there for me(and the rest of us) when we needed a place to live. After my grandfather passed away my gran told me she would rather die in her own home if she could.
It got HARD. I was not able to stop working when covid happened. I worked everyday scared shitless that i was going to bring covid home and get her killed from it. I had to sit with her and comfort her when she was slipping away and she could realize its happening. In those moments all i knew how to do was just BE there for her. And somedays i had to do this on repeat every hour all day long if she wasnt sleeping.
If one of my brothers wasnt with me through this i dont know what i would have done or how i would have got through some days.
In september i had to call 911 because she couldnt lie down without howling in pain. She was in the hospital for a week (extremely short staffed and lengthy delays for anything to get done)
She was home for a bried period before it started happening again.
She never got to go home again. Her house was put up for sale and my brother and i were forced to move out. Over the next month i had more than one completely broken down cant think straight moments.
Her oldest son threw me and my brother into the street and ignored every thing we said like we were garbage.
My uncle the closest thing to a father i ever had. And his response and reward for looking after his mother as we watched her slip slowly into madness was to throw us into the street like garbage.
I still cant bring myself to go visit her for fear he might show up while im there. And its killing me daily that i cant be there for her. I just cant.
There was a lot of build up before, depression got bad. Honestly can’t go through absolutely everything that was going on. The final straw was locking myself out of my house and car in a town where everyone I knew was about 100 miles away, and I had a box cutter on me. I had the medical knowledge of how to cut to make sure it’d work. However I knew my dad, a paramedic who would walk away from horrible fatalities without a reaction was deeply bothered when a kid committed suicide, and I am an only child. Called the police on myself, took me to the hospital where the stress literally made it where any light whatsoever was a painful headache. Still comes back on high stress times.
Dad made me promise I wouldn’t take my life. The depression hasn’t left, it’s not as desperately bad as it was then but it’s still there. But been alive for about 15 years since.
I’m going through a divorce and living in my mom’s guest bedroom.
The only thing keeping me going is the dream of my very own apartment. I’ve got quite a few shitty months ahead of me before that happens. I’m losing my house, my wife, my stepkid, and my three favorite cats in the world. I hate this, but it has to happen.
I was in a terrible mental state for around 3 years and it has changed me the future is still difficult to think about, but I am starting to feel true happiness in the present.
In 2020 I was an attorney in a family law firm and was in a long term relationship. However, that year my health was failing, I was getting migraines that acted like strokes. My body would become so weak it was essentially paralyzed, I couldn’t think or speak, and the migraine hangover would last for most of the following day. Meaning that I would be terribly slow, in pain, and couldn’t speak without stuttering or forgetting words. It felt like I was constantly changing meds and going to the doctors to get some relief.
Well that long term relationship was also fraying and to be honest was abusive. I knew this, but I NEEDED to stay because there were 3 kids who I had poured my heart and soul in for the prior 6 years. I did anything to appease their mother. She however, was being worn down by my migraines as she would often have to stop what she was doing to drive me home from work.
In July of 2020 she broke up with me while we were in the process of buying a new house ( all in my name) that would be big enough for us and our polyamours family. I couldn’t get out of the sale. I was so tired and in pain and worried about losing the kids.
I was laid off from my job a week after moving into the house. I was promised by my ex that I would be able to see the kids and be a daily part of their lives. That lasted maybe 2 months before she decided they could no longer have any form of contact with me. Their dad let me see them about 4 more times for the next year before cutting me off completely. My son and I would play games online and talk to each other on discord for hours… till his mom found out and he was forced to befriend me on all platforms. The girls I would talk to on a mobile game, their father knew… but once I had my last visit they were forced to stop. I got maybe 2 more messages from one of my kids before I lost all contact.
I wanted to die. I had no plans, but if I could have died from lack of wanting to live… it would have happened. I cried a lot and slept even more. I eventually got a new wfh job, but it was and is mind-numbing. My body could no longer handle any stress without essentially going catatonic. I couldn’t move around as much and do all of the things I needed to do without it leading to pain and I was living in this huge house meant for my family, by myself.
I started dating my partner who I had broked up with in Feb of 2020 because both of our mental health was terrible and I couldn’t handle it. She helped me stay alive. I know I was not easy to deal with as a new symptom of the migraines became extreme mood swings. Prior to being hit I would get mean, just plain mean and angry. Then after the migraine I would swing into a deep depression.
Well I started to get a hold of the migraines. I switched from regular talk therapy to EMDR therapy. ( I have CPTS from childhood events) I started to feel ok, but then my insurance stopped paying for one migraine med and I needed to switch. This is where I got the closest to dieing from lack of wanting to live. Suddenly, I started to notice my background thoughts were constantly saying " I don’t want to live", I was irritable, and could rarely get myself to eat.
I messed up at my job and made it so that I didn’t get a new project for months, completely running through my reserves. I barely ate to the point that I was shaking all the time from fatigue and I was sleeping for 20 hrs straight. It took weeks, but I got my meds changed. Unfortunately it wasn’t in time to save my finances and I was quickly in the red.
However, this is where things began to look up. I made the decision to sell the house and move in with my partner. We had planned for them to move in with me the next year, but there was no way either of us would be up for taking care of the house even if I could float to that point.
I got the house sold within a few months which was great because I had already missed a few months of mortgage, didn’t pay my phone long enough for service to be cut and to lose the # when I was able to pay again, hadn’t paid utilities in months… really I couldn’t afford even the fee to change my address with the post office.
After a year of living with my partner, I feel so much better and almost “normal”. Thinking about the future still hurts, I miss my kids so much. I feel terrible about not trying all the ways to get in touch with them, while also wishing desperately that they forget about me so that they don’t miss me.
I’m still frustrated with my body, the fact I went through 7 years of higher education and I can’t physically handle litigating or another high stress environment that is the legal field. However, now it’s just frustration and no longer a deep-seated hate that consumes my mind.
Life kinda sucks enough on its own so let’s try not to compound it with our actions towards each other.
I had a mental breakdown a while ago because I was in denial of my gender identity. I…can’t remember much of it, but it wasn’t great, according to my loved ones. I’m ashamed of it and I wish I could do anything that I felt would properly apologize to them but I’m sure it traumatized many of them, as I’ve done in the past. Before I blacked out, I can remember that mandalas would appear on surfaces my mind wanted me to focus on, twisting and seething with an entrancing psychedelic energy that forced me to focus on that task. I’ve never experienced terror more complete than losing control of both my body and mind, and I’ve almost been trampled in a human stampede, blocking people from trampling others and picking up fallen children off the ground. Life is better now that I have estrogen in my system, but I imagine it would be intolerable otherwise. I hope I can forgive myself one day. I have therapy soon, so that will help a lot.
One day between two jobs I worked 20 hours straight in a row unexpectedly, including a night shift I was wholly unprepared for, and when my husband picked me up and we got home, it was so icy on the ground on the passenger side of the car that I asked him to carry one of my bags in because it was heavy and I was afraid I’d slip. He ripped it out of my hand, snarled “What are you fucking handicapped?”, and I called him a sociopath and went to bed, whereupon he woke me up four hours later “so I didn’t waste the entire day”.
Don’t ever get married, and don’t entangle your finances with someone else. You’ll never get free.
It was at the beginning of the pandemic when my dad died.
He was in the hospital, and i could sense he was dying, but no doctor would come to check. At the end of visiting hours i was escorted out with 3 police officers, only to get a phone call the next morning that he was, indeed, dying. I was so angry at everyone… i think ive never felt more “black” then that. I swear i could have killed anyone who got in my way for that first year after :(
I was having a stressful time with family and work related things and I couldnt sleep and didnt want to eat. It went on for maybe a week and then I started having panic attacks (which I didnt even know what that was) and I could hear music in my head. The next day I just quit on the project I was on, handed my responsibilities to someone else and maybe by the grace of God the problem was resolved. I was afraid I was going to shorten my life if I kept going. I have totally changed what we did with work, and I think I have a path to avoid what happened. This was a good helpful question to write about.
About 5 years ago, my Dad went into the hospital due to low oxygen levels (he had cancer), this was in the morning. I went to work and while I was working the customer had a massive stroke and died. This was while watching her grand kids. No one noticed until her daughter came home. The stress of all that combined with my Dad’s failing health brought me as close as I have ever come to a breakdown.
About two years ago I stared into the void. I didn’t have any real problems in life, but my job was boring as hell and my colleagues were always constantly negative, depressing and whined about everything, which affected my mindset after months upon months of that.
Freshly out of university, the job (which I couldn’t leave due to contacts) sucked out my every hope and dream of having a fulfilling career where I’d have an impact on the world. I felt so useless. To make matters worse I fell in love at that time.
One day I vaguely felt bad, got home, sat down and started crying like crazy. Life felt so meaningless. Not my life specifically, but life as a concept. I could change my life, but to what purpose? I sincerely felt regret for ever having been born and existence felt like a cruel joke, it was all vanity, pain, and at the end you die without even feeling the relief of it being over since you would be gone. It was a feeling of meaninglessness where even doing something about it was as meaningless as doing nothing.
The next day I had another crying session, didn’t eat anything the whole day as well. And in the evening I remembered how Seneca wrote that nothing bad happens to good people since those “bad” moments are the only time we get to show our virtues. Didn’t really fix the basic problem of meaninglessness, but it did reinvigorate me. Reading Camus’ “Myth of Sisyphus” also got me to handle the absurd better. But the moment I got out of the whole ordeal altogether was about 8 months later when I realized that I was very much pushed to such a state by my colleagues, and that I yearned for some sort of warmth and comfort from others. But nobody has really ever shined for me, I realized that I had to be my own light and that I should not do things to earn other’s approval, but for me (this does not mean being selfish, according to Platonic and Aristotelian ethics, doing morally good deeds is for the benefit of the doer). I’ve been fine since then.
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