Poseidon. First off, he fucked dudes so I’ve got a chance. Second, I’m from an island and heavily respect the ocean already. Third is I wanna get railed floating in the middle of the ocean.
I don’t know my Greek mythology that well, but my instinct is Aphrodite. She wouldn’t want her champion to be ugly, so she would make me beautiful (but not as beautiful as her).
He’s really fun at parties. Hates oppressive, overreaching powers. Destroys anyone that opposed the freedoms of his followers with a literal plant stem. I don’t see many drawbacks.
A. I have job security since I am not going to lie and say I was wrong. Sure the work isn’t great but it beats unemployment. Besides it’s simple enough. Push the boulder up a hill.
B. Everything humanity does is due to my actions. Prometheus opened up a ticket about 80k years ago pointing out that humans need fire and asking me to do the needful. Everything the teaming 10 billions of humans have done since that point is only possible because of me. All of tech all of art all of culture every meal you have ever eaten, every nail you have ever hammered, ever shit post you have ever clicked submit on was MADE IN MY IMAGE
C. The myth of Satan probably is related to the myth of Prometheus, and I have always wanted to try to pull off an evil goatee.
Prometheus for sure. The Titian that humble his kind, the Titan that modeled man from clay, that stole fire from the Olympians when he saw man had no other gifts, that freed hope from Pandora’s box.
Athenas and Hephaestus’s gifts are invaluable gods of wisdom, craftsmen, and artificial beings, but without fire from the defiant Titan we had nothing to really build our cities from.
Also, Prometheus paid a horrific price for helping humanity. Generally-speaking, the Greek pantheon is fairly self-interested, and not terribly interested in helping humanity in general.
In Greek mythology, Prometheus (/prəˈmiːθiəs/; Ancient Greek: Προμηθεύς, [promɛːtʰéu̯s], possibly meaning “forethought”)[1] is sometimes referred to as the God of Fire.[2] Prometheus is best known for defying the Olympian gods by stealing fire from them and giving it to humanity in the form of technology, knowledge, and more generally, civilization.
In some versions of the myth, he is also credited with the creation of humanity from clay.[3] Prometheus is known for his intelligence and for being a champion of mankind,[4] and is also generally seen as the author of the human arts and sciences.[5] He is sometimes presented as the father of Deucalion, the hero of the flood story.[6][7][8]
The punishment of Prometheus for stealing fire from Olympus and giving it to humans is a subject of both ancient and modern culture. Zeus, king of the Olympian gods, condemned Prometheus to eternal torment for his transgression. Prometheus was bound to a rock, and an eagle—the emblem of Zeus—was sent to eat his liver (in ancient Greece, the liver was thought to be the seat of human emotions). His liver would then grow back overnight, only to be eaten again the next day in an ongoing cycle.
I don’t think that any other character in the pantheon could realistically be called as sympathetic. I’m not sure that any other divine Greek figure deserves humanity’s gratitude.
I am already an active practicing Discordian. My work is religious. Every day I distribute a substance that uproots the normal workings of the mind. Hail Eris! Hail Yourself!
Helios. The personification of the Sun. One of the few Titans the Gods didn’t even bother trying to wrest power from, and he’s also the guardian of oaths and sight. He was so powerful that driving his chariot wrong could destroy the earth by freezing or burning it simply by driving too closely to or too far away from the ground.
A loving father too. In the most prominent myth that features Helios, his son Phaëthon (the umlaut just means to pronounce the E) made a pilgrimage all the way East to confirm that Helios was actually his father. Phaëthon was extremely brave, but also boastful, to the point that somebody finally said something along the lines of, “Oh, whatever! I bet the sun god isn’t even your real father.” Cause he was a mortal, even if your mother and sisters are nymphs, hearing that your dad was the fucking sun is still a bit of a stretch enough for Phaëthon to have some doubt.
Helios confirmed Phaëthon’s parentage, and to dispel any leftover doubt, made an oath to his son that he would grant him a favor as long as it was within his power. Unfortunately, Eos the dawn had just pulled up with Helios’ glorious, gold and silver chariot pulled by 4 flaming horses so dude could make his daily run. At that moment, Phaëthon decided on the favor. his son asked to drive his father’s chariot. Helios, being the god of oaths, begged his son to reconsider but ultimately had to keep the oath he swore.
Being a mortal who also had no idea how to drive the chariot of the sun, Phaëthon lost control. At some points, he went so high he was almost stung by the constellation Scorpio, and those places became irreversibly frozen into tundras. At some points, the chariot drew so close to the earth that some places turned into deserts. Zeus saw what was happening, and to protect the rest of the world, shot Phaëthon down with a lightning bolt.
Phaëthon’s body fell into the river Eridanos, and his sisters who went to find his body mourned so intensely that either as a mercy killing from the gods or because magical biology just kinda works this way in Greek mythology, they turned into poplar trees and their tears became amber.
I wish I had a link, but I just wrote that on the fly when the coffee kicked in. It’s one of my favorite Greek myths, so I know it off the top of my head.
A really good book if you could get through all that would be Edith Hamilton’s Mythology. It’s a huge compilation of myths, primarily Greek with the tail end being Norse, and it’s a staple! Any library is bound to have it, but it’s well worth owning.
Just did a quick Google search, and a website called thriftbooks.com has it for as cheap as $3.59!!
That is super brill! I’ll be purchasing that for sure. Less than $4 is ridiculous - but I love in Aus so I’ll probably have to spend more than $20 for a really good book 😩😂 Also: Thank you!
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