If you don’t speak at all, you must have something to hide, therefore you are resisting. Would you prefer a beating, a sitting on your neck or a couple of bullet holes? You have the liberty of choice.
I actually do not remember where I heard this, but I was unhappy at one of my past workplaces, and I felt like nothing made sense anymore. The purpose of my job, the product, the people… I would ask why or seek deeper understanding and received nothing back.
The advice was “when no one has your back, it’s time to move your back”.
It stuck with me because it applies to friends, family, work, and life in general. If you do not feel supported and able to give support back mutually then it’s time to place yourself in a situation more beneficial for you and those around you.
It doesn’t place blame, it’s simply a validation statement - you feel x, so do y.
The 3 H’s. When someone in your life comes up to you with a problem, you either figure out, or ask them; if they want to be Hugged, Heard or Helped.
A lot of the time when someone is venting at you, they just want to be heard and understood, and I’m the type of man to want to immediately fix the issue, and it’s a bit invasive and often off the mark, so I reign myself in and ask them if they want to be Hugged, Heard or Helped. More often than not, they just want to vent and don’t want me butting in with solutions to their issues.
So the next time someone confides in you, take a step back and analyse how you should respond going forward, it really helped me understand more.
I remember one time way back in high school some kids were making fun of some other kids for liking something, can’t remember what it was. Teacher overhead what happened and stopped it, and told us: Imagine how boring the world would be, if everyone liked the same stuff. This one has always stuck with me.
My grandfather continually underscored to me that no matter what you try to do, even if it is a failure so to speak, you have learned. And you can carry what you’ve learned into your next effort, and be that much more strong and powerful. There is no shame in trying to invent something and discover that you are wrong, or start a business and not have it succeed, or try to approach something in a novel way and have it fall flat. That is the essence of how we learn and discover and grow.
Furthermore he taught me that you need to let people show you how to do things that you already know how to do. Everybody out there has a piece of priceless gold that they’re just willing to hand to you, and all you have to do is be willing to listen. And accept that while we may know how to do something, there’s always a better way.
Saw a homeless man taking a bath in a bathroom sink at a Burger King when I was around 7 or so. Told me about how his situation could happen to anyone but I’ll never forget this phrase “don’t ever talk about what you’re gonna do, talk about what you’ve done”
I was diagnosed “gifted” in grade school, and those were the absolute worst years of my life. I’m still recovering from how much psychological and emotional damage I took on from that time. Emotional intelligence is real, and it should not be slept on.
However, as stress increases, so do norepinephrine levels. When norepinephrine is excessive, it stops activating those thinking parts of the brain[1] and instead starts activating the emotional parts of the brain.[2]
By dampening the ventromedial prefrontal cortex activity, stress inhibits the capacity to feel connected with others. People often become stuck in emotion-driven interpretations of events and are rapidly propelled into fight-or-flight mode, which limits our ability to respond flexibly and intentionally.[3]
“Leadership is simple. Take care of your people and make a decision.”
This is from a USAF Major who was once one of the first dudes in Afghanistan after 9/11, working with green berets when he was enlisted. He said that it’s amazing how easy it can be to lose sight of those two basic things.
It’s an inversion of the saying that ends in “worth doing well”, and it sticks with me because it’s genuinely good advice.
Like, turning in a half-completed assignment for a failing grade is way less harmful to one’s GPA than failing to turn in anything and taking a “0”. I might not have the energy after work to do all of my laundry, but knocking out one load is still better than none. Frozen dinners might not be healthy, but skipping meals would be worse.
You can’t whole-ass everything all the time, but half-ass is better than no-ass. 😸
It also helps overcome the paralysis of perfection.
Sometimes just producing something will do far more to help you improve than any amount of prep work. Do a half arsed job, then figure out where you actually need to improve it. By that point you will have a lot more momentum to keep working on it, and a lot more idea where to focus.
With depression it’s more of a lethargy paralysis. It makes you feel like it’s too hard, and not worth all the effort. Once you are moving , it becomes more obvious how hollow that feeling is. It often doesn’t go away, but can be fought against. I suspect it’s why exercise is helpful for some, but not others. It helps get you into the mindset of doing things. When it’s mild enough, this can shatter the false walls on your mind.
Yeah, that’s definitely been my experience of it. I read somewhere that the evolutionary basis for it is to prevent action when previous action has had consistently bad outcomes. It encourages hiding until external conditions improve. And apparently it’s the same for most animals. Appropriately tragic, isn’t it?
Ultimately, humans are quite poorly designed for modern life. Our minds haven’t significantly changed since we were chasing herbivores across the savannah. Our bodies never even finished coming down from the trees. The fact we function as a modern society is actually quite impressive.
Depression is likely a bunch of different instincts and survival methods messing each other up. It’s likely got ties to hiding. It also likely has got ties to hibernation, along with 101 other minor instincts that can no longer serve their original purpose.
I do know that “learned helplessness” is common to most mammals. Rats can show it, along with depression, when conditions get weird enough. It makes sense as a fall back. Huddle down and save energy until something changes for the better.
One of our biggest advantages is our rational brain. Stopping our own instincts is like trying to stop a goods train. What we can do is be smart. We can reach in and tweak the controls, change the signals. It’s hard, particularly with things like depression clouding our thoughts. But it can be done.
I am a ghost in the machine, inside of a bodged together biological computer, piloting a poorly designed meat mech. It’s completely absurd, but if I don’t take control of it, who the hell will?
“An abnormal response to an abnormal situation is absolutely normal.”
If you are in some hellish or unusually bad kind of situation and you’re not able to keep your cool or stay positive or whatever your personal mental health goals are, it doesn’t mean that you’re insane.
It means you’re human.
This is also exceptionally helpful to remember if you have to be around hypercritical, DARVOing, and/or chronically dishonest people who behave horribly then take any sign of emotional response on your part as an overreaction and proof of mental incompetence. Lol, no. If you weren’t nuts before they started in on you, you’re probably fine right now.
There is so much pressure these days for the sane among us to be 100% perfect in all respects all the time even as norms are crashing down all around us, and it’s just not realistic or possible, much less healthy or true. So remember:
“An abnormal response to an abnormal situation is absolutely normal.”
And then go take care of you as a priority for a little while, because you need some self-focus and self-care while you navigate whatever this is.
Hope this helps someone, because it’s saved my ass countless times.
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