The 3 H’s. When someone in your life comes up to you with a problem, you either figure out, or ask them; if they want to be Hugged, Heard or Helped.
A lot of the time when someone is venting at you, they just want to be heard and understood, and I’m the type of man to want to immediately fix the issue, and it’s a bit invasive and often off the mark, so I reign myself in and ask them if they want to be Hugged, Heard or Helped. More often than not, they just want to vent and don’t want me butting in with solutions to their issues.
So the next time someone confides in you, take a step back and analyse how you should respond going forward, it really helped me understand more.
“You’re an adult. You get to enjoy whatever you like.”
Stuffed animals? Legos? Video games? Cartoons? I’ve been made fun of all my life for liking “stupid stuff” or “kid stuff” (even as a kid).
I pay my taxes. I’ve lived life long enough to know that I deserve to be happy. What kind of miserable shit-head would make fun of me enjoying something? Someone whose opinion has no value to me, that’s who.
I look back and regret not embracing things I had interest in.
I was made fun of for my Pokémon cards so I threw them away. I was told that my drawings are weird so I stopped. After being constantly told that video games were “a stupid waste of time” and that I “should be doing something productive”, I boxed them up and gave them away.
Now Pokémon cards are cool and there are worldwide tournaments. I look wistfully at talented artists & animators and wish I hadn’t given up. Video games can now be considered “art” and are openly enjoyed by so many.
I’m too old to let others dictate what I should & shouldn’t like. I wear fun clothes, collect stuffed animals, nerd out over Zelda lore, paint miniatures for DnD games. Why? Because I enjoy it and I deserve to be happy in what I like.
I hope that you will one day feel that you are able to enjoy things openly, too.
some adults enjoy making fun of other people. they are often miserable shit-heads of course, but let them enjoy their hobby too. doesnt hurt to be able to laugh at yourself.
No, fuck that. That’s like the paradox of tolerance or free speech - “tolerate the intolerant,” “hate speech is free speech.”
I liked how someone else put it a few months ago: tolerance comes with a contract: tolerate everyone. If you break this contract, you’re OUT.
So, yeah. I’ll live and let you live - as long as you don’t step on my toes. As soon as that happens, I’ll tell you to fuck right off (not you, OP, but that ‘miserable adult making fun of me.’)
Of course, if the other party is just being genuinely and harmlessly funny, that’s another story.
I stopped drinking like 10 years ago and i find it fascinating how hard it is to just stop drinking. I never really liked the taste of alcohol, so i had kind of a hard time to get tipsy, but then it snowballed. I talked about this with my frinds who were bigger drinkes than me often. The conversation was always like:" you know how you get drunk, having a grand old time, and instead of stopping, you just keep going, and it's never getting better, just worse?" And we often tried to stay in the sweet spot, but everything ALWAYS went out of control, well knowing that it's gonna end up bad.
Oof, that’s rough. Congratulations on staying off the drink for 10 years though. That’s really solid work. Very impressive.
I personally can keep myself in the sweet spot all night and well into the next morning and almost never get messy and truly believe it’s down to that “Ease down, son. You’ve a stomach full of booze to come” that pops into my head.
Don’t set yourself alight to keep yourself warm. Not always easy, but it is something I believe. You can only do so much if someone isn’t willing to help themself.
Not religious, but “Steady plodding bring prosperity”.
All my life I have watched as many of those around me struggle to stay consistent in their lives, and have worse outcomes as a result.
Inconsistent with their savings habits.
Inconsistent in their employment efforts.
Inconsistent with their love lives.
Inconsistent with taking care of themselves.
Consistency provides a basis for better long term results. Very little success is possible in almost any endeavor without it.
Though I’ve found it personally frustrating to remain consistent in my own life, the benefits of doing so I have found to be exponential, although late and taken for granted by others who weren’t consistent.
Another is: “What are you willing to give up to get what you want?”
All too many things are zero-sum, and though consumer capitalist systems often pretend “you can have it all”, you can’t.
Honest reflection about what is most important to yourself, and what personal sacrifices are required to obtain your goal, makes the goal easier to obtain.
Many sacrifices that are needed are clear from the offset, but by being honest and willing before the endeavour, those future sacrifices are less traumatic. Other sacrifices pop up along the way, and it’s important to re-evaluate at intervals whether your end goal is still worth it.
For love: “Prequalify your spouse.”
People lead with their hearts often where their heads can’t follow.
Sure they may be attractive, or have an amazing personality, or be rich, but do you KNOW them?
Is their fading beauty or quick wit or checking balance able to really make up for their poor treatment of others, latent racism or sexism, politics, religious adherence, stance on having children, intention in the future to care for ailing family, or poor spending habits? What about if they believe it’s appropriate to hit your future kids, or demand the kids are their religion, or can’t be gay? What if they refuse to travel or relocate? What if they don’t clean up after themselves or never take responsibility for their failings?
It is imperative to long term relationship success that you spend enough time for both partners to actually understand each other, because there is more to long term compatibility related to shared values than there is to sexual attraction.
Most often this advice results in people realizing they haven’t given enough thought themselves to what and why they believe is the best way to live their own lives, and where those values came from.
If you don’t speak at all, you must have something to hide, therefore you are resisting. Would you prefer a beating, a sitting on your neck or a couple of bullet holes? You have the liberty of choice.
That’s great advice, and it pairs well with all the words of wisdom regarding not speaking or acting in anger.
Often people threaten in situations where they know they are powerless and cannot act, whether on a threat or anything else. When you have power and you know it, you act differently, more confidently, and as though you know nothing is lost by keeping the mouth shut until ready to act.
But your threats speak for you as well. They warn your opponent how and where you intend to strike them, should you ever be able to do so, and tell an observant enemy exactly how you think and what would frighten or piss you off, because that’s what you’re trying to do to them by threatening them.
Your entire appearance, tone of voice, and choice of words also tell an opponent a lot of the real truth about your immediate attitude and maturity level, and whether you’re personally even worth changing their course to help.
Threats are a product of fear and anger, and are not nearly as threatening as the people making them think they are. If you want to threaten, act cool and confident. Laugh at them when they start getting flustered.
“Oh” and “heh, okay” are how to respond to threats being made to you, like they just don’t matter and your real position is whatever pal, if it makes you feel better. This level of near-total non-response gives you time to evaluate the situation and do nothing you’ll regret, or to do something later that you’ve planned out far better than making angry threats in the heat of the moment.
Threats are almost always the most stupid tactic there is. You’re gonna call my boss and have my job? Not before I call him, lol. But thanks for letting me know. Have a nice day.
This is how threats telegraph weakness to people who are accustomed to holding power. If you want someone to know for sure you hold no cards, start whipping out threats.
TL;DR: Threats are best avoided until you are truly ready to act. And if you can’t act, keep it shut until you can.
This was given to me during a Process Safety class in college, and I’ll never forget it: in the workplace, “Always have a stupid-question buddy.” Try your best to direct your questions to someone who’s not your boss as you learn the ropes. That way, you can be comfortable asking those questions on basics that really need to be asked in order to do your job properly, and not look like an idiot to the person that performs your performance reviews.
I actually do not remember where I heard this, but I was unhappy at one of my past workplaces, and I felt like nothing made sense anymore. The purpose of my job, the product, the people… I would ask why or seek deeper understanding and received nothing back.
The advice was “when no one has your back, it’s time to move your back”.
It stuck with me because it applies to friends, family, work, and life in general. If you do not feel supported and able to give support back mutually then it’s time to place yourself in a situation more beneficial for you and those around you.
It doesn’t place blame, it’s simply a validation statement - you feel x, so do y.
There’s a lot of ways to interpret that, and most of them help. For instance, if you’re asking your boss for a raise, if you just say “Hey boss, gimme a raise” you’re making it hard for them. If you say “I think I deserve a raise, here are multiple, documented, examples of where I’ve helped increase revenue/fix a problem that could have cost us/improved customer retention/etc” then you’re making it easier for them because they have a list of positives to justify it.
Generally if you’re asking a question you need an answer to, or for something in particular, spend a little time thinking about the request from the other person’s point of view. What do they need to be able, and inclined, to help you? When you know that, make sure you supply it.
I’ve found it to be a powerful way of approaching discussions, and it can make a lot of situations make more sense when you realize one party didn’t do it and didn’t get what they want.
Sometimes, of course, making it easy to give you what you want just means making any other outcome harder instead. >:)
I actually learned those in reverse #2 first. I don't like fake people and learned that being your genuine self meant people actually knew the real you and liked that person. Pretending to be something/someone else meant you were liked for something you were not and when people realized that, they would have nothing to do with someone fake like that.
But being your true self 100% of the time means that you will have opinions, feelings, likes and hates that are different from others. Peer pressure to conform can be quite bad, depending on your age. So it's not always easy to stand by the genuine person that you are. But in the end it's 1000% worth it. I have zero regrets about that.
That led to #1 eventually. If you spend your life worrying about other people's opinions of you, you have no time to actually have your own opinion of yourself, or a life. Self respect is about actually being the person you want to be. Can You live with yourself based on your actions in life? Because You are the only one who has to live your life. Making decisions based on others opinions has it's place, but only when you decide that the person you are listening to has a valid respectful opinion. Respecting yourself first helps you learn to respect others. Knowing you are a good person and behaving like one makes it really easy to dismiss other people's opinions of you, especially when they are negative or misplaced.
Not sure how you would teach that. I only learned this by being around people that did the opposite of those two things and I decided I just didn't want to be that kind of horrible person.
This is the only life we get, and only you get to make the rules for yourself.
Moisturize every day. Told to me by a very young looking 40 year old in a bathroom at a club when I was 16. Can confirm, am now around that age and I look late 20s.
Remember landmarks when traveling. You’ll know where you are once you see that landmark again. My dad told me that when we were out in the boat on the Pearl River once when I was a wee lad. I’ve never forgotten it and I am very good at navigation because of it I think.
With gps it’s easy to let navigation skills slip but it’s so important. I try to teach my relatives when opportunities come up.
I always try to look at a map before I go somewhere unfamiliar. Digital, paper doesn’t matter and you don’t really have to memorize anything in particular. Just know what way is north and the general lay of the land to build “shelves in your brain” as someone put it. Then when you see a landmark you’ve either seen it before on the map or know what “shelf” to put it on if that makes sense
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