1
Harlan Ellison: listen up you chucklefucks
Ellison: it only happens once in a lifetime that an author emerges fully formed like athena from the forehead of zeus
Ellison: tonight you are going to hear from such an author
Ellison: a bold new truth teller who will put you all to shame
Ellison: a man named
Ellison: piers anthony
2
Ellison: that's right, piers anthony
Ellison: when you hear this story, it's gonna blow your tiny little peanut minds
King:
Poe:
Lovecraft:
Koontz:
Barker:
Barker: so
Poe: no no clive
Poe: just no
3
Piers Anthony: ok guys you're gonna really love this story
Anthony: just let me top off the tank first
Anthony: [huffing a pair of panties like dennis hopper huffing ether in Blue Velvet]
4
Anthony: ok so there's this earth where a disease has contaminated all the animals
Anthony: so people gotta turn to human lifestock
Agustina Bazterrica: yes yes
Anthony: for milk
Bazterrica:
Bazterrica: oh yeah i guess you could do that
5
Bazterrica: do they use human livestock for meat too
Anthony: what? why would you think about that
Bazterrica: it just seems the logical extension to the premise
Anthony:
Anthony: i guess
6
Anthony: now if there was human lifestock, it would be pretty messed up to have sex with them right
Bazterrica: yeah that would surely be a huge taboo
Anthony: messed up
Anthony: but also
Anthony: very very interesting
7
Anthony: so this guy is a milk inspector and his job is to inspect milk production in different dimensions
Anthony: you know, to make sure that nothing unethical is happening
Anthony: cuz we wouldn't want to do business with unethical people
Anthony: we have really high ethical standards here about that
8
Anthony: so he goes to the dimension where there's no animals
Anthony: BUT
Anthony: everyone's drinking milk
Anthony: they LOVE it
Anthony: it's like a huge thing
Anthony: and this guy is all "wow, how strange"
Anthony: "i wonder where all the milk is coming from"
Koontz: i know! i know the answer!
Anthony: no you don't dean, sit down
9
Anthony: so everyone loves milk
Anthony: and there's all these barns everywhere
Anthony: where they produce milk
Anthony: but what animal is making the milk? that's the question
Anthony: the answer is man
Anthony: the most dangerous milk of all
10
Anthony: so they got these human livestock women
Anthony: with big milky boobies
Anthony: and the milk inspector is all "gosh, if i go into the barn, i might see a naked girl"
Edward Lee: i like this guy
Lee: highly relatable character
11
Lee: bro
Lee: bro how big are the tits
Anthony: oh they're real big
Anthony: like
Anthony: like big ol' melons
Lee:
Anthony: something wrong?
Lee: no bro
Lee: i mean
Lee: i mean i guess that's pretty big
12
Anthony: it makes you think, tho
Anthony: is the way we treat animals any better than the way these farmers treat their big mommy milker hucows
Bazterrica: do they eat the livestock people
Anthony: yeah i'm not getting into that
Bazterrica: but
Anthony: big mommy milker hucows
@ptcurley@bitterkarella "In The Barn", from Again, Dangerous Visions. I got permanent scarring on my imagination lobes as a result of reading that at an impressionable age.
@bitterkarella I've waited over a decade for someone to connect that terrible story with the word "hucow". I always feared this day would come. Thank you
It's funny how many science fiction/fantasy fans I know have "being a big fan of Piers Anthony novels in high school" as one of their big secret shames.
@bevanthomas
a friend likes to talk about encountering one as a young teen wherein two men duel by having a swordfight with their erect penises. I'm not sure she'd say she was scarred by it, but she did (& still does) regard it as a bit...unnecessary. @GregStolze@bitterkarella
@bitterkarella Fun fact, that is pretty much the same sort of bluster Ellison used to describe Dan Simmons in his foreword to Simmons' short story collection "Prayers to broken stones". Only Ellison never felt confined to toot length prose, of course.
In 1990, Simmons was indeed a very, very good writer who hadn't yet decided that Muslims scheme to take over the Western world, so it wasn't entirely off at the time. Still, even now when I see praise from Ellison I wince a little...
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