So yesterday I had to cut off not one, but two people I'd been helping as they questioned/navigated early coming out to themselves because, in both cases, the person would not respect crucial boundaries I repeatedly articulated for their protection and mine. And like... I don't blame them for needing what I couldn't give. I'm not angry at them. They're new to all this, and figuring shit out is an incredibly emotionally-fraught time. Shit happens.
But in both cases, the person became directly abusive when I enforced my boundaries which is why I had to cut them off. I want to help people, but I can't let those I try to help treat me in those ways; it'd be self-harming to do so.
This, for clarity, isn't about them. Just context.
I have always struggled with boundaries, for reasons related to my history of abuse. I'm. Not good at enforcing them, though I've gotten good at articulating them clearly. I... tend to be a bit of a--
--doormat given the opportunity to help someone in need. Service is really important to me.
When I do have to enforce a boundary, though, it fucks me up, especially when the person who I enforce it on becomes abusive when I do. All those echoes of the trauma I survived ripple through me, and the years upon years of trauma work I've done feels like nothing. I'm right back there, in crisis, with my whole body screaming to fight, run, fawn, or flop.
And that says absolutely nothing about the feelings of intense worthlessness and failure I feel when I have to enforce a boundary on someone I've been trying to help. When that happens, I seriously feel like utter trash; I can navigate all these other fraught situations and times to help folks, but not this one?
Feels like a personal failure. A big one.
And it just leaves me completely wiped out, for days or weeks afterward.
@Impossible_PhD I know what you mean about boundaries... I'm sorry that happened. I know it's not a failure... hell, you know. But if knowing things changed feelings quickly, a lot of things would be faster wouldn't they.
@Impossible_PhD If you haven’t heard the suggestion already, Pete Walker's Complex PTSD book: From surviving to thriving has been helpful for me and I think would be helpful you and the people asking you for help.
You already know this but finding what sets you off this way, and processing it so it doesn't impact you as hard is an ongoing project not something that can be addressed once and forever.
@Impossible_PhD you talking a break feels wonderful to me. You can send some my way if you'd like, but I know "talk to the unhinged chaos demon" might be a hit on your brand image 🤣
@DivineKestrel lol, "brand image" as if I'm making or selling a product. There's a reason my actual name is three steps removed from the substack--I'm trying to make the Substack it's own thing, not directly a me thing.
I will confess that my efforts in this respect do not seem to be succeeding.
@Impossible_PhD Well, I was kind of thinking "don't read her essays! When I came out, she told me to talk to this weird ass cum-sucking Chaos demon! Don't trust her!"
@DivineKestrel I... Would be fine with that. I think I've said before that if SGW got too big I'd take steps to bring it back into a range I was comfortable with. 😉🤭
@Impossible_PhD 🫂 we owe a lot to each other, but we owe the most to ourselves first. As someone who also tries to help her local community but runs afoul of her own past trauma (fawning: my whole f’ing life), I see you.
Be well, Doc.
What @kelidanovus said. You don't need to justify your boundaries. You do more than plenty; your ledger is already way out of balance with what you do compared to what you receive.
You said something similar to me the other day, so I return it at need. Be easy on yourself.
And you never will be. Nor will I. Nor would an army of either of us. There's that much need. We could exist as an army of 60,000 clones (or robots) each, and not make a realistic dent in the English-speaking trans population. You know that. No matter how much time you put in, you will never help them all.
I don't know that this'll help any, but... when you enforce a boundary with someone and they turn abusive, they have given you immediate and unequivocal feedback that you were right, that your boundary is verifiably both necessary and appropriately calibrated.
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