@GrimmReality@beige.party
@GrimmReality@beige.party avatar

GrimmReality

@GrimmReality@beige.party

I do dumb history jokes, occasionally pimp my angry left-ass rock songs, post tons of filthy invective at right-wing assholes. Introduced the verb "embitch" to the language, I believe, and, CW, use the c-word as if I am Scottish but am not.

Vet my profanity-ridden ravings here: https://justmytoots.com/GrimmReality@beige.party

If you are self-ascribed MAGA or a neo-Nazi, which are one thing, don't bother, you'll eventually rage-type some racist shit and get 86ed so let's save us all the time.

This profile is from a federated server and may be incomplete. Browse more on the original instance.

GrimmReality, to random
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DACIA, 200 CE

GOTH: Hi we're the Goths! Let's trade and have cultural interchange that benefits both our societies!

ROMAN: Ugh, your clothes and music are dumb and you are weird and therefore you cannot hang with us.

GOTHS: Well. Now we're sad. And invade-y.

GrimmReality, to random
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The Achaeans should have put bears in the Trojan Horse so that thousands of years later we could tell people "Beware of Greeks gifting bears" and they'd have to wonder what the fuck that was even a metaphor for.

GrimmReality,
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MAKE IDIOMATIC LANGUAGE WEIRDER AND MORE POINTLESSLY CHAOTIC. This is my mission.

GrimmReality, to random
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WEIRD SPOOKY OLD DUDE: I know this may come as a shock. But YOU are . . . the Chosen One.

ME: Haha

WSOD Seriously.

ME:

WSOD:

ME: Well, not gonna lie, we're all pretty fucked then.

WSOD:

ME:

WSOD: You have inherited a great responsib-

ME: Fucked.

GrimmReality, to random
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SHRINK: I would just suggest your obsession with [checks notes] "everything stupid and bad you've ever done" leads you to avoid social situations because you are subconsciously reducing future opportunities to be "stupid and bad."

ME: Oh my god haha yeah it is no way "subconsciously."

GrimmReality, to random
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MUFFLED VOICE THROUGH THE CEILING: ᴼᵂᴳᴼᴰᶜᴼᶜᴷᴰᴬᴹᴹᴵᵀᴹᴼᵀᴴᴱᴿᶠᵁᶜᴷ

DOWNSTAIRS NEIGHBOR'S GIRLFRIEND: Um, what's that?

DOWNSTAIRS NEIGHBOR: Oh that's just Grimm trying to do something.

GrimmReality, to random
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The Fourth Crusade was definitely the funniest crusade because all these French and Italian knights got together with a big Venetian fleet at the urging of the pope to retake the Holy Land in service of a great and benevolent all-loving god but the pope said "OK I will give this crusade my blessing but DON'T DO VIOLENCE AGAINST CHRISTIANS" and exactly the first thing the crusaders did was sack a Christian city and then the pope said "DICKS, WHAT DID I JUST FUCKING SAY?" and excommunicated them all but they said "Well gee, I guess you should just use your OTHER army and massive fleet to capture the Holy Land" so he relented and gave them his blessing again and said "BUT DO NOT DO VIOLENCE AGAINST ANY MORE CHRISTIANS AND THIS TIME I MEAN IT" so they went to Constantinople, the most magnificent city in Christendom and seat of the thousand-odd-year-old actual no-shit Roman Empire and the pope sent word to the priests in the army and said "YOU TELL THOSE TOFFS TO NOT SACK THAT FUCKING CHRISTIAN CITY I SWEAR TO GOD" but the priests passed along this message by sort of mumbling and saying "fine, it'll be fine" and then they expelled all the prostitutes from the crusader camp because they wanted to "purify" the army for its holy and noble work to come and then they burned a fuck-ton of Constantinople to the ground and sacked the shit out of it and never even got to the Holy Land, the end.

GrimmReality,
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Anyway, read this, it is pretty good but it doesn't play the whole megillah for laughs the way it definitely should be.

GrimmReality,
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Guy Ritchie needs to do a LockStock/Snatch-grade heist comedy with a kaleidoscope of batty crim characters only it is the Fourth Crusade and the thing they are heisting is Constantinople.

GrimmReality,
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JESUS CHRIST, how great would that movie be?

I am going to win the lottery JUST so I can show up Guy Ritchie's house and bankroll that movie.

GrimmReality,
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Also, don't take from that this post that the pope was in any way a good person, he'd definitely be one of the funniest most compromised crim twats in the whole scenario, foremost because his whole motivation is butchering half the population of the Levant in the name of his beneficent loving god-king, just, y'know, the NOT-CHRISTIAN ones.

Like there wasn't a pope or saint in this period, and very few in ANY, who wasn't a complete preening sack of shit.

GrimmReality,
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We've had a good nomination of Ray Winstone for Pope Innocent III and, while in no way discounting that, I will also nominate Alan Ford for that role, basically playing the pope AS Brick Top, because it would be the funniest fucking thing ever.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WcG3JRIF05w

GrimmReality,
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Also, this line needs to be in the movie:

"Ok I'm hearing you, but what if - what IF - we just sack it a bit?"

GrimmReality,
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Good ideas. Greg Davies could be a big lunkhead knight who is like in the retinue of one of the leading knights and he's totally gung-ho to liberate the Holy Land but is a credulous enough twat that he is easily swayed to the mission creep and by the end of it is just telling all the other guys that this was the point all along and entirely believing it while they look at him like he's a credulous twat who should not have any responsibility.

Thewlis as the scheming Blind Doge is a dropkick.

https://mas.to/@Rod_Rescueman/109854225299483863

GrimmReality, to random
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A few winters ago, the city took one of those snowstorms that lasts a few days and the parks department had carved out the paths around the Tenney Park lagoon such that they looked like wide grooves in the white landscape. The lagoon, a shallow recess that takes overflow from Lake Mendota, ices over easily and solidly in the cold months and becomes one of the most active skating rinks in the city. I took a walk over there at dusk, following the cut paths as skaters glided just the other side of the white berm, and did so just in time to see the sun settle low out over the lake in such a way that everything white, which was EVERYthing, seemed to sparkle like some fantasyland. And just as I observed that singular moment of a kind of pure beauty that can never be recreated, my feet went out from under me and I fell square onto my back like a fucking cartoon. I lay there for a while, in nearly breathless anguish, wondering I could get up or if should dial 911 or if any of the skaters on the other side of the berm and seen me just swoop and disappear out of sight below the snow like a stupid puppet. Apparently none had, or, if they had, they didn't investigate to see if I was dead or dying, the dicks.

When I could breathe again, I creaked unsurely to my feet and made a vow that, from that day forward, all beautiful sunsets could kiss my ass, and, while I pissed blood the next day and could barely get out of bed for a few days more, I still think it is sad that no one saw that because, just at face value, it fucking HAD to have been hilarious.

GrimmReality, to random
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"Well. That's a bit much."

  • me whenever I see an inordinately beautiful person
GrimmReality,
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As I recall, I said this for the first time when I saw Malika Andrews for the first time.

GrimmReality, to random
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ME: Medieval people mixed pee into their soap because it had ammonia in it.

COP: THAT's why you urinated on the floor of the Walmart?

ME: Oh no that was revenge.

GrimmReality, to random
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I'm pretty non-violent so if I were a Scanner I would probably just use my powers to make your meatball sub explode right when you took a bite out of it.

GrimmReality, to random
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I celebrate Valentinian's Day so, while all you chumps are getting flowers and chocolate and doing fancy dates, I will be purging the bureaucracy of apostates and making secret alliances with barbarians to destroy any proximate Germans.

GrimmReality, to random
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GHOST HUNTER: Spirits often linger owing to unresolved issues in the temporal plane.

GHOST ME: DO PUBLIC FINANCING OF ELECTIONS, YOU TWATS

GrimmReality, to random
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Congratulations to everyone reading this on living to see an era wherein sober super-serious people called "thought leaders" expect me to have an earnest debate on whether it is ok to discriminate against bigots.

GrimmReality,
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Y'know, when you call someone a Nazi, it pretty much just ends the conversation. And then where will you be? Not talking to Nazis, is where. Having shattered your lifelong dream of having a pleasant conversation with Nazis. Who even wants to imagine that kind of hell.

GrimmReality,
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"Typical lib, just call anyone who disagrees with you a Nazi."

Yes, I sully my arguments when I disagree with perfectly well-meant patriots who slaver over and give blind blithering fealty to a singular ultranationalist infallible authoritarian figure who has convinced them that he and ONLY he can restore the country's nebulous bygone greatness by cleansing it of the heretical infidels who have conspired to destroy it from within by unholy perversions and tolerance and not knowing their place and, with this cleansing, achieve a proper herrenvolk America as their loving God and Destiny intended, patriots who literally cheerled a violent coup to throw out the will of a majority of the country's voters and forcibly establish that figure as an unelected accountable despot, and then - THEN - I go the sordid step further to call these patriots "Nazis."

Yup. You got me.

GrimmReality, (edited ) to random
@GrimmReality@beige.party avatar

PICK N SAVE EAST ENTRANCE
Adorable Girl Scout behind a table: Hi!
Me: Fuck.

PICK N SAVE WEST ENTRANCE
Adorable Girl Scout behind a table: Hi!
Me: Fuck!

PICK N SAVE LOADING DOCK
Adorable Girl Scout: Hi!
Me: FUCK!

DRIVING HOME
Adorable Girl Scout in Cookiemobile™ with a roof-mounted bullhorn: HI!
Me: FUUUUUCK

ER ENTRANCE
Adorable Girl Scout behind a table: Hi!
Me on crashcart: Fine, two boxes of Thin Mints and fourteen boxes of Samoas, please.

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