TheBreadmonkey

TheBreadmonkey, 6 months ago to random

I'm 45 years old and have just learned of a new way to dice carrots. It's blown my mind I've never thought of it.

This reads like a clickbait article. You won't believe this new way of cutting carrots!

Genuinely sat here thinking 'I can't wait to cut up a carrot later'. What an absolute loser.

TheBreadmonkey, 9 months ago to random

Absolutely love to see a joke get subverted by cold hard facts. You keep in real out there, fact-kings.

TheBreadmonkey, 3 months ago to random

Going to start telling people I'm "going goblin mode" despite having zero idea what it means

TheBreadmonkey, 8 months ago to random

I try not to be one of them moany vegans you hear about, but what is the point of the vegetarian sticker on supermarket products? OH REALLY, PACKET OF CHOCOLATE SWISS ROLLS, YOU DON'T HAVE ANY MEAT IN? I DIDN'T REALISE - THANKS SO MUCH FOR LETTING ME KNOW.

TheBreadmonkey, 3 months ago to random

The whole 'admin can read your DMs' discourse brings back some fairly painful memories - I used to employ a couple of dozen people and had access to their emails. Never bothered to read them but after a minor compliance incident I thought I should probably at least have a cursory look and it turned out they were all making fun of me so I didn't read them after that. 😢

TheBreadmonkey, 2 months ago to random

Much like Christians believe God puts them through great trials to test the strength of their love and resolve, so too are my children doing that to me this evening

TheBreadmonkey, 9 months ago to random

Happy Thursday, everybody. Let's do this!

TheBreadmonkey, 7 months ago to random

Popular meme copied off the internet

TheBreadmonkey, 6 months ago to random

For anyone on a diet; TIL there are 20 million calories in a gram of Uranium-235.

Best avoided, stick to lasagne.

TheBreadmonkey, 2 months ago to random

I love hats

TheBreadmonkey, 1 month ago to random

Do you think it would be passive aggressive to purchase an airhorn online so that when my wife is making the most insane amount of unnecessary noise in the kitchen I can just go in there and do a BLAAAAAAAAAAT just to gently demonstrate how ludicrous the noise she's making is?

TheBreadmonkey, 9 months ago to vegan

I never cook gnocchi - mainly because I can't be arsed to make it and otherwise rarely see ready-made that's #PlantBased / #Vegan. But my OH has found a source and keeps bringing it home. So....... I wondered if anyone had any exciting / outside the box gnocchi ideas for me tonight? I was thinking creamy spinachy, but have lost confidence and worry it'll just be a big load of gloop. HELP!

TheBreadmonkey, 4 months ago to random

I genuinely cannot fucking believe I'm having to say this, but making a stupid joke about 6th century pre-Roman Germanic tribes is not me endorsing the actions of Hitlers Third Reich one and a half millennia later.

TheBreadmonkey, 3 months ago to random

So - I managed to shave a minute and a half off #ParkRun! Felt pretty good. I think that's the best time in about a year. I'm not quite back to previous fitness levels (4 minutes 20 faster) and can't quite get round without stopping, but I'm pretty happy with that, considering there was 700 people and we were quite far back and couldn't really start running for the first straight. Also it was very icy! Also the dog ate my homework! It wasn't my fault miss, I didn't even do anything!

So beaming you all the very best. To the runners. To the walkers. To the ones that don't do anything like that but continue to breathe! To those who don't continue to breathe! Let's hear it for all the ghosts and zombies out there. May you all have a tremendous weekend. I love you all in a deeply weird and disturbing way. X

TheBreadmonkey, 3 months ago to random

Met a lot of cool new people here recently, which has made me very happy. Should go without saying, but you guys enrich my life immeasurably (so far, although I am starting a spreadsheet with all your details to qualify your enrichment ratios). Thanks all. You guys rock. X

TheBreadmonkey, 8 months ago to random

I have a recurring dream where I realise there's been a terrible accident - perhaps something happened with the LHC at CERN (it seems unlikely that this would happen, but for some reason when I wake up and try to remember exactly what went wrong, my brain pictures someone's cheeseburger lunch fell into it somehow - I think I imagine it as a large round fully-open circular thing - like a public water fountain where people might sit and eat their lunch) and it's accidentally recreated the Big Bang. The air is wrong somehow and I have absolute certainty that everything will soon be simply gone. Wiped clean. Perhaps to start over. A rushing, inconceivably vast impending end by total obliteration. And it honestly gives me the most calm and peaceful feeling. And this, my friends, is how I know I'm a psychopath. Goodnight. X

TheBreadmonkey, 6 months ago to random

Who wants to form a blatant ABBA ripoff band with me? We shall call ourselves BAAB. I'm Ben so I need two A's and another B (or people willing to change their name). Songs will include 'Dancing King', 'Dadda Dia', 'Möchtest Du', 'Crypto, Crypto, Crypto', 'The Victor Gains It All' and 'Stalingrad'.

TheBreadmonkey, 7 months ago to random

Those unbelievably annoying people who go on about losing weight through a vegan diet clearly don't eat coleslaw, crisps and hobnobs for lunch.

TheBreadmonkey, 4 months ago to random

Roses are red
You fill my heart with elation...

https://metro.co.uk/2024/02/13/indian-woman-comes-back-life-hearse-way-cremation-20269771/

TheBreadmonkey, 8 months ago to random

Look - you should know this about me - I'm an edgy rock'n'roll hard-livin' rebel with a problem with authority and who doesn't care for nothin'. But (and I know this is probably screamingly obvious to most people) I've just had a cup of tea and some cake and I think it's the happiest I've ever felt in my life. Recommended.

TheBreadmonkey, 3 months ago to random

Wife's just shown me this.....

Professional golfer Georgia Ball - a certified PGA pro recording herself practising her swing, as a random man comes up to tell her she's doing it wrong.......

Professional sports person minding their own business, slow swinging to practice. When the guy pesters her she realises she's got to shut him up so hits the longest and straightest shot I've ever seen on a driving range. She handles him very well but HOLY CHRIST WHAT AN ABSOLUTE DICK!

TheBreadmonkey, 28 days ago to random

OK everyone stop posting now, I have to go to sleep

TheBreadmonkey, 22 days ago to random

I am Sam. I am Sam. Sam I am.

That Sam-I-am! That Sam-I-am! I do not like that Sam-I-am!

Would you like adverts and spam?

I do not like them, Sam-I-am. I do not like adverts and spam.

Would you like them here or there?

I would not like them here or there. I would not like them anywhere.

I do not like adverts and spam. I do not like them, Sam-I-am.

TheBreadmonkey, 20 days ago to random

Whenever I hear politicians talking about trusting the British public to do the right thing come the general election, I'm reminded that every year dozens of people in this country take part in a race, which is essentially just falling down a big hill behind some cheese.

Yet more people mid-fall - one is upside down impressively
People realising they've made a mistake
Oh no. Why did I agree to do this?

TheBreadmonkey, 18 days ago to random

This account is now a 'filling a bath up with a kettle updates' account. Nearly 4. It is likely I'm bored enough sat here to literally post about every kettle full. Please feel free to mute. Unless I can think of a way to make it super exciting somehow...