jackdaw_ruiz

jackdaw_ruiz, 1 month ago to random

jackdaw_ruiz, 1 month ago to random

if i do a post that mentions engaging with any kind of consumerism/culture, and somebody comes in and to add fucking nothing beyond some half-remembered bullet point conceivably from the 'Controversies' section of a wikipedia entry, then I get to piss in one of the bins at the bottom of their refrigerator.

FOR EXAMPLE, if i'm doing my quarterly post about the interior design at the Cheesecake Factory and someone is like "it's a cult," that person earned a veggie crisper full of sloshy urine.

jackdaw_ruiz, 1 month ago to random

Coca-Cola? original recipe had cocaine.

7Up? contained lithium to stabilize your mood.

Pepsi? was made with Viagra until the recipe was lost in 1947, and rediscovered again in the 1990s.

Dr. Pepper? the authentic formula created by the actual Dr. Pepper contained cyanide until Eliot Ness and the untouchables tracked him down and blasted him to shreds with tommy guns.

Fanta? just orange soda, but invented by nazis. this one is true. i slipped a true one in here at the end.

jackdaw_ruiz, 1 month ago to random

much like licking one's fingertip and holding it to the breeze to determine its direction, I am able to assess the potential client intake at our divorce firm and distill each separate inquiry into distinct values across my special propriety metrics, and then analyze a broad sample to make reasonably educated guesses about the current trajectory of this city's mental health.

and at this time I am prepared to announce: people are getting more fucked up for some reason(s).

jackdaw_ruiz, 1 month ago to random

anyone ever given you the ol' Antwerp handies? 😏 🇧🇪

jackdaw_ruiz, 1 month ago to random

doom scroll? that's nice. i don't cast it from a scroll i MEMORIZED THAT SHIT.

jackdaw_ruiz, 1 month ago to random

me putting on the American Psycho plastic poncho and talking about how the Deftones self-titled album, which exists in the shadow of being the followup release after the critically lauded White Pony, doesn't get it's due. but its visceral, intensely heavy approach belies a band that is still clearly at the zenith of their most experimental mindset. and then murdering you.

jackdaw_ruiz, 1 month ago to random

Sunbather is good. it is a demonstration of several reasonably developed constituent parts, layed out on a canvas drop cloth, which will be reassembled and recontectualized in increasingly interesting ways over the coming years. but it is not Deafheaven's best album, and when people say it is what I assume they mean is just that they were either happier ten years ago, or happier to not be modestly challenged by the subsequent albums. probably both.

jackdaw_ruiz, 1 month ago to random

last evening of dog sitting. these little fellas barely even understand who I am after living here for the past week, but they sure do love my couch.

jackdaw_ruiz, 1 month ago to random

the people who draw sexy anthropomorphized versions of Da Vinci's schematics for flying machines? oh, you mean the autogyrophilia community? what about them?

jackdaw_ruiz, 1 month ago to random

riding the office elevator up and down for a couple of hours and every time somebody gets in, i fake being in a conversation on my cell phone and start saying shit like "well, i don't think you can say 'you know that grippy go crazy' because it's a bit insensitive from a mental health angle, now isn't it?"

if i do this shit enough maybe the building management won't renew our office lease i can just work from home.

jackdaw_ruiz, 2 months ago to random

Heads Up: don't throw away your eclipse glasses!

they can be eaten to gain resistance from both fire and holy damage for three rounds, which can really turn the tides in some fights. like if you are trying to beat up a priest.

jackdaw_ruiz, 2 months ago to random

I love environmental storytelling. like in the first Bioshock when you see that splicer lady doing googoo baby talk over a pram, but then you get closer to the stroller and see that there's a gun in there. and you think "holy shit, that lady gave birth to a gun!!"

incredible moment.

jackdaw_ruiz, 2 months ago to random

there was a shooting at a strip club in east Portland yesterday, at a club where this has happened before, and the thing I am hung up on is how it happened at 5:30 p.m. on a Monday.

stuff like that is supposed to happen at like midnight thirty on a Friday. or like 4:00 a.m. after NYE.

shooting someone at 5:30 p.m. on a Monday, in full daylight, in a strip club parking lot is incredibly loser coded behavior. that should be an enhancing charge the DA brings in addition to murder.

jackdaw_ruiz, 2 months ago to random

remember like 3 weeks ago when the white house was saying they're gonna get aid into gaza by having army engineers construct what sounds like a really big pontoon off the coast?

are they actually gonna attempt that at some point or was it just some one-day nonsense to try and combat the terrible news cycle. i'd like to know if we have that to look forward to laughing about in the future.

jackdaw_ruiz, 2 months ago to random

cgi visual effects are, in a couple of respects, similar to digitally auto-tuned vocals in music. there are uses which are subtle and nearly imperceptible. and there are uses that are conspicuous but done tastefully/skillfully so it works wonderfully all the same.

but it feels like every single new show with just a modicum of a budget is the visual equivalent of hackfrauds doing 808 and Heartbreak. y'know?

jackdaw_ruiz, 2 months ago to random

jackdaw_ruiz, 2 months ago to random

imagining something like a phone sex hotline that is just someone in a breathy voice rattling off the circa 2009 prices for stuff like burritos and houses.

jackdaw_ruiz, 2 months ago to random

the way Shaun King keeps re-emerging for new scams is like the closest thing online has to Batman villains breaking out of Arkham every couple months. like you see that Shaun King is out and selling something new and think "didn't they get rid of that guy?" but nope, he's back for another crime.

jackdaw_ruiz, 2 months ago to random

every day some dipass independently stumbles onto the premise of male socialization and thinks they've discovered a truly novel loophole to sneak their dogshit biases into sensible discussion. every fuckin' day. it's the online equivalent of cranks in their garage thinking that they'll be the one to finally patent a perpetual motion machine because nobody else in history has considered "mmmmwhat if,, magnets?"

jackdaw_ruiz, 10 months ago to random

i have a shorthand phrase with friends: "kids need braces."

it's used to acknowledge the phenomenon of middle-aged doing questionable albums or tours, or emerging from relative obscurity to sell song licensing, because being a rock band doesn't come with a family health/dental plan and if you were big in the 2000s then right now you have a 14 year-old at home who needs braces.

anyway Incubus fully re-recording the whole Morning View album is the most kids need braces shit imaginable.

jackdaw_ruiz, 1 year ago to random

hellow AGDQ, my name is jackdaw and today i am speedrunning Microsoft Encarta 95.

now i've just drank an entire bottle of Robitussin to forget nearly everything i already know, so I can learn about the world by going through this entire digital encyclopedia for 100% completion. there aren't a lot of glitches in this run but i'll call some attention to how i entirely bypass learning about The Acropolis.