@jackdaw_ruiz@normal.style avatar

jackdaw_ruiz

@jackdaw_ruiz@normal.style

he/him.

crumbs and carrots, the stone is doomed!

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jackdaw_ruiz, to random
@jackdaw_ruiz@normal.style avatar

me, sweating nervously: uhhhhh I have information that will lead to the exoneration of The Boeing Company.

jackdaw_ruiz, to random
@jackdaw_ruiz@normal.style avatar

oh, here comes the coldsplainer, here to talk to you about how you might not even die in -20° degrees Fahrenheit.

just like how you might not die falling out of a plane with a little bit of preparation like "the correct clothing" so really it's not that dangerous.

jackdaw_ruiz, to random
@jackdaw_ruiz@normal.style avatar

the dumbest shit i've encountered from good people at public demonstrations are the apple cider vinegar perverts. they come up and ask if you wanna soak your face covering in apple cider vinegar to "neutralize" possible tear gas or other dispersing agents.

and that is not a thing. that's not how that works. they're just a specific kind of hippie that believes apple cider vinegar is an actual fucking magic potion and they feel better if you are huffing those fumes all day.

jackdaw_ruiz, to random
@jackdaw_ruiz@normal.style avatar

they should do an international arrest warrant for Netanyahu and open it up to world's most eccentric bounty hunters. just an absolute freak show of weirdos and operators, all trying to take him down for a payday like it's Wacky Races.

like a guy from Texas with tight jeans and a sun baked squint. another guy with twin pet panthers. some lady gymnast who is a master of disguise. a former astronaut that lost custody of his kids and has nothing to lose. Steven Segal. y'know.

rachel, to random
@rachel@efdn.club avatar

I love converting Alice to liking lentils

jackdaw_ruiz,
@jackdaw_ruiz@normal.style avatar

@rachel

what's the secret?? I ask as someone with a partner that doesn't like lentils because they feel too bean adjacent.

jackdaw_ruiz, to random
@jackdaw_ruiz@normal.style avatar

people are always asking why Volkswagen ended production on the Beetle and the answer is because of me. I sent a very direct but polite letter asking them to stop, and you catch more flies with honey than vinegar. I don't say that as a bug pun, it's just good advice.

jackdaw_ruiz, to random
@jackdaw_ruiz@normal.style avatar

my work productivity has been decimated by this facebook group with photos of incredibly fucked stairs.

jackdaw_ruiz, to random
@jackdaw_ruiz@normal.style avatar

i was driving around my son this past weekend, and in an unexpected change of pace, he suggested i play some of MY music. so i put on Type O Negative's October Rust to see what he'd think.

and by the time the intro for Be My Druidess ended, he asked "dad, how come nobody uses that kind of sick as hell bass tone anymore?"

i pulled the car over to the highway's shoulder and began to sob. "because we can't, son. because we don't know how anymore."

ray, to random

they made men hot now

jackdaw_ruiz,
@jackdaw_ruiz@normal.style avatar

@ray

that's a limited time thing. like when the McRib is available. it comes and goes.

jackdaw_ruiz, to random
@jackdaw_ruiz@normal.style avatar

I frequently pray to the elder gods. sure, their boons are often confusing and anachronistic. there is rarely anything I am going do with a bountiful flax harvest. but I feel good about myself for giving them attention, like when you visit an old folks home.

jackdaw_ruiz, to random
@jackdaw_ruiz@normal.style avatar

I don't even know why the White House does press briefings at this point. like they can be asked something pretty straightforward like what's up with the disturbing mass grave discovery, and the response is basically those sarcastic cops from The Big Lebowski saying that they totally have detectives looking for his car. they're working in shifts!

jackdaw_ruiz, to random
@jackdaw_ruiz@normal.style avatar

goddamn this looks like someone didn't want to use AutoCAD to design a multi-level deck because they already had perfectly good Valheim installed.

jackdaw_ruiz, to random
@jackdaw_ruiz@normal.style avatar

I asked an AI to generate the perfect Mastodon post for my social graph and it replied "you say the state has a monopoly on violence, but explain that to my guts," and guys I think we're really in trouble here.

jackdaw_ruiz, to random
@jackdaw_ruiz@normal.style avatar

people have the typical grievance with two-factor authentication like "okay but if I lose my phone it becomes a pain to prove I'm me."

but ive thought about this and I believe that in current year if you lose your phone the question is now on the table if you ARE still you anymore.

at the very least it's like dying in a souls game.

jackdaw_ruiz, to random
@jackdaw_ruiz@normal.style avatar

good morning everyone. just a gentle reminder to keep the Lord close to your heart this Thursday.

please ignore the photo I don't know why that's there I can't remove it I think it's a fediverse bug that's from your image cache not mine

jackdaw_ruiz, to random
@jackdaw_ruiz@normal.style avatar

I guess the problem with magic beans as a euphemism for useless scam offerings is that the original beans in the story were pretty damn magic. if they were duds, it simply wouldn't have been the same compelling tale.

jackdaw_ruiz, to random
@jackdaw_ruiz@normal.style avatar

last week there was an incident where some people putting up a new light pole accidentally nicked a fiberoptic cable and it knocked out 911 emergency phone services to cities across three separate western US states for several hours because they all contract with the same company.

which is pretty goofy but i think we can continue pushing the envelope in making all aspects of the future more unexpectedly precarious.

jackdaw_ruiz,
@jackdaw_ruiz@normal.style avatar

i periodically think about about a time roughly two years ago when there was a big rolling outage of online services because of an AWS bed-shitting or something else, and how when i arrived downtown for work the mechanical arm at the parking garage was malfunctioning. and i spent a moment wondering if that was somehow connected.

a simultaneously absurd and also entirely reasonable speculation to have at this point.

jackdaw_ruiz, to random
@jackdaw_ruiz@normal.style avatar
jackdaw_ruiz, to random
@jackdaw_ruiz@normal.style avatar

if i do a post that mentions engaging with any kind of consumerism/culture, and somebody comes in and to add fucking nothing beyond some half-remembered bullet point conceivably from the 'Controversies' section of a wikipedia entry, then I get to piss in one of the bins at the bottom of their refrigerator.

FOR EXAMPLE, if i'm doing my quarterly post about the interior design at the Cheesecake Factory and someone is like "it's a cult," that person earned a veggie crisper full of sloshy urine.

jackdaw_ruiz,
@jackdaw_ruiz@normal.style avatar

"y'know it took a long time but i've come around, and this album is pretty good."

"did you know in 2012 the former bass player of that band was being interviewed and..."

"yeah, hey, real quick you're gonna wanna get a fresh box of baking soda ready."

jackdaw_ruiz, to random
@jackdaw_ruiz@normal.style avatar

Coca-Cola? original recipe had cocaine.

7Up? contained lithium to stabilize your mood.

Pepsi? was made with Viagra until the recipe was lost in 1947, and rediscovered again in the 1990s.

Dr. Pepper? the authentic formula created by the actual Dr. Pepper contained cyanide until Eliot Ness and the untouchables tracked him down and blasted him to shreds with tommy guns.

Fanta? just orange soda, but invented by nazis. this one is true. i slipped a true one in here at the end.

jackdaw_ruiz, to random
@jackdaw_ruiz@normal.style avatar

much like licking one's fingertip and holding it to the breeze to determine its direction, I am able to assess the potential client intake at our divorce firm and distill each separate inquiry into distinct values across my special propriety metrics, and then analyze a broad sample to make reasonably educated guesses about the current trajectory of this city's mental health.

and at this time I am prepared to announce: people are getting more fucked up for some reason(s).

jackdaw_ruiz, to random
@jackdaw_ruiz@normal.style avatar

anyone ever given you the ol' Antwerp handies? 😏 🇧🇪

jackdaw_ruiz, to random
@jackdaw_ruiz@normal.style avatar

doom scroll? that's nice. i don't cast it from a scroll i MEMORIZED THAT SHIT.

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