jackdaw_ruiz

jackdaw_ruiz, 1 day ago to random

imagining a website where you go to make an account and the password field is a drop-down menu without about two dozen pre-existing options to choose from.

jackdaw_ruiz, 2 days ago to random

I think a good artificial noise for electric cars to generate, so they are audible enough for pedestrians and others to be aware of them nearby, would be the synths from Darude's Sandstorm.

jackdaw_ruiz, 4 days ago to random

"the fruit of crime, she is ahhhh' impossibly sweet," I declare while taking a bite into a whole raw organic onion that I purchased as a regular onion at the grocery store self-checkout, saving $0.12 in onion lucre.

jackdaw_ruiz, 5 days ago to random

my favorite sentence that uses every letter in the english alphabet? that's right. it's:

satisfy my desire quickly, money plane janitor

jackdaw_ruiz, 6 days ago to random

tooo be fair Joe Biden only got into federal government a mere 51 years ago and spent a scant 8 years as the number two position in the executive branch, so you can see how he was ill-prepared to understand the unpredictable and relatively recent issue of conflict in the levant.

jackdaw_ruiz, 6 days ago to random

slathering CPU thermal paste on my junk and whistling to call over the Boston Dynamics robot dog.

jackdaw_ruiz, 6 days ago to random

concerning last boost, he said to please share and look you are enjoying the whole combination here. german. kinky. looks like that. it's like a line across and a line vertically on a fediverse bingo card.

jackdaw_ruiz, 6 days ago to random

when Nirvana was recording a followup to Nevermind, and were essentially the undisputed biggest band in the world, they reached out to Steve Albini and he responded with a letter about his demands and conditions that they would have to accept before he'd agree to get in the studio with them. he proceeded to record the album In Utero, and refused to take any royalties from an album guaranteed to make a bazillion dollars because he believed once the album was recorded, his work was done.

jackdaw_ruiz, 6 days ago to random

the fact that the RFK jr. brain worm news story comes out of a deposition transcript from his divorce really underlines how there is no finer entertainment on god's green earth than family law case files.

jackdaw_ruiz, 7 days ago to random

"come get a helping of oblique, absurd, and wacky shitposts! enjoy how ridiculous they are!"

. . . i say while reaching into a burlap sack labeled:

𝗠𝗬 𝗔𝗖𝗧𝗨𝗔𝗟 𝗢𝗣𝗜𝗡𝗜𝗢𝗡𝗦

jackdaw_ruiz, 7 days ago to random

whenever I close my eyes a whole ass metroidvania map of my life shows up. if we're hanging out and I do a big sigh and scrunch my eyes, I'm just looking for a fast travel spot to go home.

jackdaw_ruiz, 13 days ago to random

me, sweating nervously: uhhhhh I have information that will lead to the exoneration of The Boeing Company.

jackdaw_ruiz, 14 days ago to random

oh, here comes the coldsplainer, here to talk to you about how you might not even die in -20° degrees Fahrenheit.

just like how you might not die falling out of a plane with a little bit of preparation like "the correct clothing" so really it's not that dangerous.

jackdaw_ruiz, 14 days ago to random

the dumbest shit i've encountered from good people at public demonstrations are the apple cider vinegar perverts. they come up and ask if you wanna soak your face covering in apple cider vinegar to "neutralize" possible tear gas or other dispersing agents.

and that is not a thing. that's not how that works. they're just a specific kind of hippie that believes apple cider vinegar is an actual fucking magic potion and they feel better if you are huffing those fumes all day.

jackdaw_ruiz, 15 days ago to random

they should do an international arrest warrant for Netanyahu and open it up to world's most eccentric bounty hunters. just an absolute freak show of weirdos and operators, all trying to take him down for a payday like it's Wacky Races.

like a guy from Texas with tight jeans and a sun baked squint. another guy with twin pet panthers. some lady gymnast who is a master of disguise. a former astronaut that lost custody of his kids and has nothing to lose. Steven Segal. y'know.

rachel, 16 days ago to random

I love converting Alice to liking lentils

jackdaw_ruiz, 17 days ago to random

people are always asking why Volkswagen ended production on the Beetle and the answer is because of me. I sent a very direct but polite letter asking them to stop, and you catch more flies with honey than vinegar. I don't say that as a bug pun, it's just good advice.

jackdaw_ruiz, 18 days ago to random

i was driving around my son this past weekend, and in an unexpected change of pace, he suggested i play some of MY music. so i put on Type O Negative's October Rust to see what he'd think.

and by the time the intro for Be My Druidess ended, he asked "dad, how come nobody uses that kind of sick as hell bass tone anymore?"

i pulled the car over to the highway's shoulder and began to sob. "because we can't, son. because we don't know how anymore."

ray, 18 days ago to random

they made men hot now

jackdaw_ruiz, 19 days ago to random

I frequently pray to the elder gods. sure, their boons are often confusing and anachronistic. there is rarely anything I am going do with a bountiful flax harvest. but I feel good about myself for giving them attention, like when you visit an old folks home.

jackdaw_ruiz, 19 days ago to random

I don't even know why the White House does press briefings at this point. like they can be asked something pretty straightforward like what's up with the disturbing mass grave discovery, and the response is basically those sarcastic cops from The Big Lebowski saying that they totally have detectives looking for his car. they're working in shifts!

jackdaw_ruiz, 19 days ago to random

goddamn this looks like someone didn't want to use AutoCAD to design a multi-level deck because they already had perfectly good Valheim installed.

jackdaw_ruiz, 19 days ago to random

I asked an AI to generate the perfect Mastodon post for my social graph and it replied "you say the state has a monopoly on violence, but explain that to my guts," and guys I think we're really in trouble here.

jackdaw_ruiz, 20 days ago to random

people have the typical grievance with two-factor authentication like "okay but if I lose my phone it becomes a pain to prove I'm me."

but ive thought about this and I believe that in current year if you lose your phone the question is now on the table if you ARE still you anymore.

at the very least it's like dying in a souls game.