popeawesomexiii

popeawesomexiii, 21 days ago to random

JK Rowling: What’s that?

Sunglass Hut Employee: Transitional lenses

JKR: spits out coffee They’re fucking WHAT

popeawesomexiii, 29 days ago to random

Tired: Food allergy

Wired: Gastrodivergent

popeawesomexiii, 1 month ago to random

I still haven’t figured out how Mastodon works, but i want you to know is good job, love your toots

popeawesomexiii, 1 month ago to random

If porn is supposed to be fantasy how come none of them are doing it in a racecar bed

popeawesomexiii, 5 months ago to random

This holiday, I'm specifically requesting to sit at the kids table.

Do I wanna discuss the Middle East with my boomer uncles-in-law, or do I wanna discuss Fortnite with my tiny nephew? No-brainer.

popeawesomexiii, 5 months ago to random

You are going on a wild goose chase.

I am going on a Grey Goose chase.

We are not the same falls off barstool

popeawesomexiii, 7 months ago to random

(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)

Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING

popeawesomexiii, 8 months ago to random

“Kill them with kindness” WRONG. Elephant stampede. 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘 🐘

popeawesomexiii, 8 months ago to random

Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire

Me: Almost never.

Her: Oh that's a relief.

Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)

popeawesomexiii, 8 months ago to random

You: Life is good. I’m happy.

Capitalism: BUY A LAMP

popeawesomexiii, 10 months ago to random

The existence of a single mom implies the existence of a bacon double mom.

popeawesomexiii, 10 months ago to random

I came here to do two things: make out with Sally, and listen to Oasis.

And Sally can wait.

vowe, 10 months ago to random German

deleted_by_author

popeawesomexiii, 10 months ago to random

It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99

popeawesomexiii, 11 months ago to random

Does anyone else think it's weird that chill comes in pill form but whoop ass only comes in cans?

popeawesomexiii, 11 months ago to random

Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road

popeawesomexiii, 1 year ago to random

Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.

Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.

popeawesomexiii, 1 year ago to random

Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?

Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight

Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)

Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge

popeawesomexiii, 1 year ago to random

"Welcome to Mastodon! Everyone is really chill, and nice!"

LMAO buddy, two million Twitter users just signed up for accounts, those days are over.