JonBaker

JonBaker, 2 days ago to random

IMPOSTOR SYNDROME: You fell off

ME: I was never on

JonBaker, 3 days ago to random

GENIE: You have 3 wishes

ME: I want you to yeet Neptune out of the solar system

GENIE: what

ME: I don’t care where, just get it the fuck outta here

GENIE: Ok but why

ME: Gonna freak the fuck out of some scientists

JonBaker, 3 days ago to random

Shakespeare’s Hamlet implies the existence of a larger, more mature Shakespeare’s Ham

JonBaker, 3 days ago to random

You fucking look me in the eye and tell me Rocky Balboa isn’t a stand user

JonBaker, 4 days ago to random

Please don’t ever give me a houseplant I can barely keep myself alive most days

JonBaker, 6 days ago to random

Whole lotta trainfuckers ‘round these parts

JonBaker, 7 days ago to random

[Open mic night]

lips on microphone Those damn wokes give me the THEYbie jeebies

boomers demonically shriek in laughter, reverberating throughout all of time and space

Fox News declares me the greatest stand up comedian since George Carlin

JonBaker, 8 days ago to random

Sure, fuck it, drug us at this point

JonBaker, 9 days ago to random

BIBLICALLY ACCURATE ANGEL: BE NOT AFRAID

ME: I’m not

ANGEL:

ME:

ANGEL: …what

ME: Whatever you’re about to do or say probably isn’t going to make things worse than they already are, so

ANGEL: Jeez, I can’t believe I’m rooting for you guys start to fearing us again

JonBaker, 10 days ago to random

Do you think there’s an alternate universe where sumo wrestlers get into the ring and have a beyblade battle, only they are the beyblades? Like they just start spinning and shit?

JonBaker, 11 days ago to random

FUN FACT: If you fuck in the back of an Amazon delivery truck any child you conceive is legally the property of Amazon

JonBaker, 11 days ago to random

Instead of making lemonade have we considered bombing the lemon factory?

JonBaker, 11 days ago to random

GUARD 1: Before you 2 doors, behind one certain doom. One of us speaks only truth, the other screams nonstop

GUARD 2: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

GUARD 1: He, uhh, he does that

GUARD 2: AAAAAAAAǍ̸̡̛͓̥̖͖̠͇̲͕̦͔̣̦̳̞́̾͐͋̀͗̈́͌͌͆̓̕͜͜͝͝Ą̴̨͍͑̑̒͗͗͒̓̂̿̃̋̂̈́̕Á̶̧̧̩͕̭̥͉̟̻̲̭͔̞̋Ã̴̡̛̞͌͛̽̎͆̎͋̄͌̇̚

JonBaker, 12 days ago to random

Might just release my own Drake diss track out of fomo at this point

JonBaker, 13 days ago to random

ME:

ME:

MY BRAIN: Is “applause” short for “apple sauce”?

JonBaker, 13 days ago to random

Alright I’ll bite what’s a star war

JonBaker, 13 days ago to random

Bears aren’t super into crypto or podcasts, I can see why they’re winning

JonBaker, 20 days ago to random

I like to think if I ever meet someone super duper famous I’m going to pretend to recognize them from something really fucking weird/obscure

Like if I ever meet Mark Hammill, that’s not Luke Skywalker (what’s a Star War?), but omg it’s Cock Knocker from Jay and Silent Bob

JonBaker, 21 days ago to random

When u and ur friends vibing and being the same kind of weird