zaxxon

zaxxon, 4 days ago to random

I think I need to live in a commune as a sort of jack of all trades.

Honestly, I don’t think I have the mental makeup, skills, and talents (let alone interest) to “succeed” in our capitalist society.

I’m a tinkerer who enjoys working with wood as much as I enjoy working on computers, researching accounting (or real, anything) as much as I enjoy reading about science*.

Maybe I should start Communauty.

*Oh, but I hate gardening.

pathfinder, 20 days ago to Autism

@actuallyautistic

Autistic brains be stupid. Well, obviously not stupid, they just seem to work, or not work, in mysterious ways.

The main one that has always got me, about mine, is that I have no memory for sound, absolutely none. I can't remember a song, or a sound. I can't remember what my parents sounded like and none of my memories carry, for want of a better word, a soundtrack. I can remember what I was thinking and what others were saying, but not hearing them say it, nor any other sound. I also don't dream in sound, at least as far as I know. All my dreams are silent.

And yet, and it's a big yet. I have an excellent memory for voices and sounds. Like many autistics I have near perfect pitch, at least when I'm hearing others sing, or music playing. Just don't ask me to reproduce it, because I can't. If I meet someone I haven't met for a while, then I will almost certainly not recognise their face, or remember their name, but there is a very good chance that I will recognise them from their voice. I am also very good at detecting accents. Even the slightest hint of one in, say, an actor pretending to be an american, will get me searching Wikipedian to see if I am right about their actual nationality.

So, if I can tell the sound of a Honda CBR engine two blocks away, or a voice, or an accent buried deep, I must have the memories to compare against. And yet... nope.

So, as I said, autistic brains be stupid.

#Autism
#ActuallyAutistic

Cassandra, 24 days ago to random

Well, I'm getting faster at processing when something has upset me.

Cassandra, 1 month ago to random

"Assigned" at birth is feeling a bit weak this morning. Imposed at, maybe.

Imposed since?

Cassandra, 1 month ago to random

I am now going to attempt to watch When Harry Met Sally. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen this before, and I don’t think I liked it. I’m expecting it to be excessively quippy and hetero.

Cassandra, 1 month ago to random

A medical appointment went unexpectedly well!

I nearly cried when it became clear they weren't going to gatekeep or gaslight me.

Now I’m going to cook and maybe sing and then eat and relax.

[throws confetti]

pathfinder, 1 month ago to Autism

@actuallyautistic

I have often said, and largely it's true, that I'm fairly open about being autistic. There are a number of reasons for this, but mostly it's because I feel that it's important to be as open as I can be. That by doing so I am hopefully opening people's eyes to the fact that autistic's can be anyone, the bloke they stand next to in the pub, the one they work with, the person they've known for so many years. That we can be any age and anyone.

But, to put this in some context. I live in a smallish town and have done so all my life. For various reasons I am quite well known. I am also male, and single and old enough and secure enough in my life not to give a damn any more. So the risks for me being this open aren't the same as they would be for others. A fact and privilege I am very aware of. I have also masked in a way that, I think, is possibly different from others. I found a way to be essentially myself. To highlight the aspects of myself that were acceptable and submerge the elements that weren't. In other words, I didn't really try and hide the weird, only the true depth of it. So the leap from "it's Kevin" to "it's Kevin and he's autistic" doesn't appear to have been that great for a lot of people.

Having said this, though, it is still not easy. Dropping the mask is hard when you're not sure what is actually mask and what isn't. The internal masking, the ways I learnt to hide so much from myself, is perhaps the easiest, if not the most painless. But the external mask still has so many elements and not all of them are easy to forgo, or even possibly be part of a forged mask any more anyway. Maintain a way of being and doing something for over 5 decades and really where's the difference between you and it?

Much has been said though, about the effort of maintaining a mask over a long period of time. The effects it can have on us. The way the drain of it is more and more likely to lead to burnout. The way that restricting our natural movements and behaviour is harmful, especially in the long run and to our mental health. And I certainly don't argue with any of this. I can feel that strain, the cost of it for me. I also can't help thinking about how much of my aches and pains, the injuries I carry, the growing infirmities, aren't just age related, but caused by how much I've stifled and restrained my body from moving naturally over the decades and the cost of that.

But, as much as this is motivating and helping me to learn to unmask, there is, of course, the other side of the coin. I didn't learn to mask on a whim, it wasn't for laughs and giggles. I was the outlier, the strange, voiceless kid, who came within a hair's breadth of being institutionalised. I was the one who had to learn how to fit in and above all be safe. For that is what masking allowed me to do, at least as much as it could. And this, for those of us who are older, is perhaps one of the major problems with trying to unmask. It's very possible that one of the very reasons that allowed us to live so long without realising we were autistic, was that our masks worked too well. Not just in hiding us, but in allowing us to fit in, in so many ways, if not obviously in all.

And certainly for me there is a deep functionality in the way that I mask. It allows me to behave and to communicate with others in ways that they are comfortable with and understand. Not so much with set scripts, but more a menu of available options, of both body language and speech, that have proved to be viable and effective. It has allowed me to exist in their world and even though I'm essentially a foreigner to it, in ways that don't make that so obvious. But start dropping the mask and that illusion is quickly shattered and then it becomes a lottery how people react. Confusion, rejection, aggression, hate and dismissal. All of these I have experienced and even trying to explain that I am autistic, rarely makes matters better. In fact, it's more likely to make them double down on the necessity for me to do it their way.

For that is what mostly happens. Try not to speak and they insist that I do so. Be too weird in my movements and the most random of strangers will suddenly be up in my face over it. Try to be myself and have to watch the reactions and atmosphere change. Because the simple fact is that most people don't like having to do any of the work or put in any of the effort required to bridge divides, especially if they know, or suspect, that you are more than able to make it so that they don't have to. It will always be up to us, for so many of them. I'm not saying that this makes them bad people, although some of them are, just human and with perhaps too much on their plates already. Extra effort is sometimes hard to justify or find for a lot of people

But all of this simply makes unmasking even more difficult for me. It's hard and not always practical to forgo the functionality of it. And also the safety of it, the reasons why I began to do it so long ago. That difference is still so often a target for so many people, not something to be understood, but attacked and taken advantage off and age doesn't make any difference to that. Even as an older white male, I have to take that into account. The fact that unmasking simply isn't always safe, in so many places and ways.

So will I ever manage it? Will I ever reach the point of being truly open and maskless? The way I want to be. Given my age and how much of it is ingrained and, by now, a part of me. How much safer and easier it can simply make my life, I have to admit that I'm not sure. Let's just say that it's still a work in progress and a hope as much as a dream.

#Autism
#ActuallyAutistic

Cassandra, 1 month ago to random

One of many things I've been thinking about, as society hurtles towards several possible apocalypses, is customer service.

Some people, maybe especially young people, refuse to smile politely while capitalism exploits them for an even darker future. That seems fair protest.

Many people, it seems especially gatekeepers, look for reasons to exclude people. Sometimes it’s "just" apathy, but more often than I’d like it’s cruelty.

I like finding people who choose solidarity and compassion. Rare.

Cassandra, 1 month ago to random

I am being extremely autistic over here today.

It is excellent fun.

Seriously: fuck everyone who punished me out of being myself.

Cassandra, 1 month ago (edited 1 month ago) to random

If you had dirt on your hands, which sink would you use to wash them?

zaxxon, 1 month ago to random

Fuck…I'm doing that swaying/repetitive gross movement stimming thing.

This is the "triggered by unknown stress" variety which I particularly hate.

I wish I had a better handle on my sensory experience.

Cassandra, 1 month ago to random

This morning I'm thinking about the inevitability of my breakdown.

The conditions could lead to no other outcome.

zaxxon, 1 month ago to random

I became a grandparent today – lots of joy in this for me.

Reminds me of some very important things:

• you're lucky if you're in a good family situation

• family isn't everything – it usually has a head start on emotions, values & connections, but true connection within & without families is what matters most

• I love my #ActuallyAutistic family for welcoming me & allowing me to be who I am

I'm in a good place with the child who is now a parent, so I feel very lucky to be a part of this.

zaxxon, 2 months ago to random

Finding myself restraining myself from lashing out physically (against inanimate objects).

So stressed I want to hit a wall. Kick a door.

zaxxon, 2 months ago to random

Fuck. Midnight. I know I must be in a bad place if I'm still awake (or returning from a TMBG concert, which I most certainly am not).

But I'm actually psyched (and, admittedly, super-drunk) after an awful day.

I'm sick of NT expectations, NT modes of expression, NT "be like us…why the fuck can't you be like us"es.

I'm not only #ActuallyAutistic. I'm #AwesomelyAutistic. I'm fucking #ProudlyAutistic.

This is our turf as much as it is "yours", so don't expect us to play by your rules.

zaxxon, 2 months ago to random

When I say “can’t”, don’t
hear “won’t”.

Inability ≠ unwillingness.
Paralysis ≠ procrastination.

Me wanting does not guarantee
me moving, me doing, me…anything.

Stuck doesn’t begin to describe
where I am,
how I am –
in molasses,
remote viewing,
mute,
still –
as the turmoil and maelstrom
seethe and burn
and turn
me inside out.

I spectate my life
staggering from pillar to post –
it’s all I’ve ever known,
a perverse comfort of familiarity.
I don’t want it
to change
to stay
to be
to not.

Nor me.

zaxxon, 2 months ago to random

For my #ActuallyAutistic friends – if you find life in the NT world a struggle, how often do you feel the need to self-medicate?

For me, the preference is pretty relentless. I can decide on any given day (or several days) not to (so I don't think I'm physically addicted), but I often choose to anyway.

My own "medication" of choice is alcohol. I've not yet experienced any benefits from other options.

zaxxon, 5 months ago to random

I was reminded tonight by a since-deleted post displaying a “humorous” bumper sticker the OP had made which ripped off the “This is not a place of honour” meme to highlight their offspring was not a “student of honour” about my father’s views on my academic achievements.

I tried to reply that my father would have likely not only have bought one of those stickers I relation to me, but also one for each and every one of my seven cursed older siblings.

1/4

zaxxon, 6 months ago to random

Here’s a funny story.

I always remembered around the time I was 10-12 (1978-1980) there being some sort of thing going on in the family around Chief Fucker (not Thug Fucker mentioned in most recent posts, but the one who had many deleterious impacts on my life, and my sole (single occurrence) physical abuser).

I always thought it had to do with an unwanted pregnancy and the “dealing with” that.

Fast forward 45ish years, and I get the following message from CF…

1/n

zaxxon, 7 months ago to random

Stop the roller coaster, I want to get off. So tired.

zaxxon, 8 months ago to random

I've been sick for a week & a half, & now over the last couple of days I have had a terrible despondency regarding the ability of my SO and I to find a mutually sustainable ND/NT balance.

To at least some degree, I'm being asked to be NT (or less ND, more accurately). We both understand the problem with that, but for my SO, even my degree of neurodiversity is starting to look like a dealbreaker.

All exacerbated by me being unable to work through stuff previously, so she has hit breaking point.

zaxxon, 9 months ago to random

For those who don't follow me elsewhere, I've set this account up to explore some of the more spectrum-related issues I'm currently facing.

What that means is, if you follow me in both places, I may not follow back here (which means if I already have, I may unfollow) – I'm already struggling with the size of my timeline elsewhere but currently have it under control, so doubling up on posts makes no sense.

No insult intended!

#ActuallyAutistic

zaxxon, 9 months ago to random

Quick #introduction before I pad it out later...

55yo, self-diagnosed, struggling with some aspects of my life (primarily related to childhood trauma, late recognition of being on the spectrum, and relating with my SO).

Basically, I'm a hot mess.

I can't guarantee I will follow you back – feel free to DM me, though!