I’m going to be an outlier here, since I got a boyfriend at 16 I was single for about 6 months. I dated that boyfriend for 6 years, spent some time single and then started dating my now husband. We were friends before I broke up with my ex, the breakup wasn’t related at all.
I had a string of very intense relationships early on and found life much less stressful without one.
I have enjoyed it. But approaching my 30s I’ve realized how much I want to share my life with someone. I am fortunate enough to have many close friends, both male and female, and would love to have that chemistry and support available daily, in a more intimate context.
Pros, unquestionable agency. Cons, occasional intense loneliness and being unable to spend much time with friends who are in their own relationships.
A partnership is a goal of mine, yes. But I’m reaching for that goal by first working to make sure I’m the best possible version of myself that I can be.
Long enough to accept it. Lots of reasons that ultimately add up to being an inadequate person, but also no transportation/income in a semi-rural area (also health/personality issues) so I'm a shut-in and thus don't ever meet people. That said, even in school/college it's not like I ever really made strong connections with people, romantic or otherwise. Non-religious in USA (esp. given rural) certainly doesn't (and more so didn't) help with a dating pool either.
And even if none of those were issues, I'm just not that interesting. I suspect the people who might like to be around me are probably also in their house more-often-than-not, and not within any distance/likelihood of meeting.
Most of my life. I’ve had two serious relationships and one complicated one, none lasting more than six months. My last relationship ended in late 2019, so it’s been 4.5 years. I’m 33 this year, and have been single for about 31 years total.
If you’re currently single: is it by choice or circumstance?
Bit of both. I choose not to invest my time, money, and energy into pursuing a relationship, but sometimes that choice feels forced because I don’t have enough time, money, or energy to spare for pursuing a relationship. If it happens, it happens, but I’m not proactive about it because I’m focusing on work and my hobbies. If I ever find myself financially stable without working full time I might have time to actively pursue a relationship, but that’s not in the cards right now for my autistic ass. I spend almost all my free time recovering so I can go back to work.
I joined a LARP community and I go to board game and DnD meetups specifically to meet people and keep my social muscles healthy. Hopefully I’ll find a partner in those circles someday, but no luck so far. The unfortunate reality is that every girl I meet is already in a relationship. I have made a lot of friends, so mission accomplished as far as that goes, but the folks who say that joining hobby groups and hanging out with people who share your interests is the best way to find a partner are full of shit.
Finally, both of my serious relationships ended on good terms because my partner felt I did not communicate enough with them, while I felt the amount of communication they were expecting was too much for me to maintain, which made the relationship a source of stress and anxiety for me. We broke it off, and I’m still good friends with one of them. This is a problem with me that I’m not sure how to fix, and it’s very much not conducive to a healthy relationship. I hope I can find a partner who’s comfortable with that some day, but it’s made me leery of jumping into new relationships.
Do you / did you enjoy single life?
No, but I don’t enjoy dating life, either. Life in general is an unending stream of demands, and I never get enough time to stop, breath, and reset. That’s true while I’m single, and it was true while I was dating.
What are / were the pros and cons?
Pros:
My living space is my own. Everything stays exactly where I left it, and I can decorate as I please.
I eat when and what I want. I can cook or eat out as I choose. Meals don’t need to be a production, and if I want to stock up and eat the same thing for weeks on end there’s no one to complain about it.
My time is my own. I can schedule things whenever and I don’t need to coordinate calendars. If I need to travel for work I can drop everything and just go.
No fucking kids. My niece, nephew, and soon to be 2nd nephew are plenty.
Porn addiction. I have a high sex drive, no healthy outlet for it, and it’s an easy dopamine hit for stress and anxiety relief.
Financial stress. I’m barely getting by on a single income.
Constantly questioning my identity. I think I’m some flavor of aromantic sex-positive asexual, and I suspect I’m bi and/or trans, but I’ve got no partner to explore my own gender and sexuality with. It’s hard to tell how much is real and how much is my mind spinning off the rails with nothing to latch on to.
Is / was partnership a goal of yours?
Yes. I’d like to settle down with a fellow introvert so we can be alone together.
Outside of my prepubescent years, I spent roughly 4.5 years being “Single”. I did have some partners here and there but never rose to a full relationship. I was simply a bit of a wreck after a bad relationship ended and destroyed my trust.
Ultimately, I’m a companion orientated person and a bit of a romantic. Being single isn’t the end of the world for me but I miss casual touch and someone to do things with. I make due and am generally happy and haven’t really been in the market searching for about 1.5 years now.
The pros of being single: free time, make plans with whomever, low drama, quiet life.
Cons: free time, lack of general intimacy, lack of hobby sharing, and doing things as I am companion oriented
My partnership goal would be to find someone who has some hobby interests that align with mine and likes the quiet life. At this point I won’t be having kids and marriage doesn’t feel all that important. I don’t need a document to agree to be with someone. I’d just want a place out in a rural area where we can enjoy quiet living, gardening, tinkering, and evenings with fires, jokes and the occasional hosting of people to hang out.
I was born in 1987, sooooo, 36.5 years and counting…
I wasn’t mature enough to be interested in finding a girlfriend in school, when I started being interested I got fat and balding.
Then it has now gone so long that I am worried about how an inexperienced virgin would be seen by women in their 30s/40s.
I have a good job, limited debt, own my apartment and my car, have decent finances, have lived alone for ten years so can take care of chores, pay bills, I am a decent cook (if lazy), I enjoy photography and simple adventures.
I am a bit insecure of my weight, but am trying to work on it when I can, I go swimming 3 times a week during periods when I can do that.
The main issue is that I don’t know where to start finding someone.
Have you asked yourself wether it’s truly something you want for yourself, or instead, perhaps a feeling that you’re behind on some social benchmark? I ask because I’m 33 with a relatively similar experience, but when a woman I dated told me she thought I might be asexual, when I did the research and asked myself these questions I realized I was operating entirely on the supposition that I’m ‘normal’, and not that the urges to be in relationships and have sex likely stemmed from a perceived social obligation.
Once I realized that in my heart of hearts I’ve never actually experienced an urge to have sex with another person, I embraced an asexual identity. Without sex as a motivator, I soon realized I didn’t even experience romantic attraction.
Some folks think this is sad, but in truth I’m so much happier and carefree, without the pressures to fit into a mold that doesn’t actually fit me, much less the stresses of maintaining a relationship.
That is a very good point, I have thought about it and mostly embraced the idea of never experiencing sex, and it sure is relaxing to just not worry about it.
On the other hand, I am quite lonely, I have few friends, and sometimes it is tough to deal with shit on my own.
Dealing with mycoplasma and pneumonia at the same time for one and a half months mostly on my own was not fun, even had to go to the hospital for that, and stayed two nights before starting to get better.
Sex for me would be interesting, I like learning how things work and with a partner who would be patient with me I think it would be quite enjoyable.
I know sex is a very important part of a relationship for many people, and I am mostly worried that I would be too disappointing in that area.
What I mainly am looking for in a relationship is companionship, I am getting tired of allways being alone, though I will concede that being single and living alone makes planning a breeze for the most part.
Finding likeminded people in yours 30s and 40s can be tough. I’ve had good luck meeting people at volunteer events that align with my hobbies/passion - for me it’s IT so I go to repair events, but also go to local community cleanup days, food banks, etc. I’m sure there’s something out there that works for your interests.
If volunteering isn’t your cup of tea, try taking a class at community college! There’s plenty of adult education courses that are mostly for fun and only last a few nights, like How to Make Pasta From Scratch, or How to Paint a Simple Oil Painting. They tend to draw a diverse crowd and it’s easy to chat and make friends. And maybe there will be a spark!
Don’t put too much pressure on your weight or baldness. That’s exactly the type of guy that many folks are looking for. Don’t wait until you fit your own idea of attractiveness to find someone who loves you for you!
Since the last “we might get married” relationship its been almost 15 years.
If you’re currently single: is it by choice or circumstance?
The main reasons I am single are that I dont go out and socialize enough to find someone and I haven’t really tried to find someone because I didn’t feel I was in a good place to be in a relationship.
Do you / did you enjoy single life?
I am ok being single but it would be nice to find my other half or at least have a stronger social network.
What are / were the pros and cons?
Pros: freedom, not being with someone that made me feel worse than being alone
Cons: can be lonely, a healthy relationship is more appealing.
Is / was partnership a goal of yours?
Eventually I’d like to find “my other half” but I also know that there are worse things than being single and I’d rather make meeting my social needs my goal rather than not being single the goal.
In total? Not sure. Current streak is about 5 years. I’m 26.
It’s by circumstance. I keep looking, keep going on dates, but it never works out. At this point it’s pretty difficult to find the confidence to ask someone out in the first place. I’m going to my first therapy session next week so maybe I’ll be able to work on that.
I enjoy single life, I have a bunch of friends who I spend time witg, but it would still be nice to be in a relationship.
Pro of being single is having more freedom, but I’m really missing physical intimacy.
Partnership is a goal for me. I just don’t want to bother people in public, even in bars, clubs etc. and dating apps suck.
Both? Never had any good chances to ask anyone out, but also never had the drive to find one
As much as anyone with undiagnosed mental conditions who’s making $7.25 an hour possibly can
Don’t have to spend money on dates, don’t have to open up to anyone, but also don’t have any dates to spend money on, and don’t have anyone to open up to
At some point probably, but point #3 makes it hard
I guess it depends. My relationships never lasted terribly long, but I was kind of a slut in my 20s. I deleted all my socials during the pandemic. So in the spirit of the question, 5 years. At first I needed some time alone, but then it just kind of happened. I’m open to the idea, but loneliness is preferable to the casino that dating apps became. I’m in my 30s, single friends of friends are thin on the ground. I don’t even know where 30 year olds meet each other. I wish the library was open late. I do enjoy the single life. I sleep in every morning. I spend my money how I wish. But people don’t realize how touch starved you get. No sex won’t kill you, but no intimacy might. Its why dudes can’t distinguish between friendly and sexual contact; they get none of it, especially after their mom dies. I don’t know. A girlfriend would be nice.
Single about 25 years. I’m 71 and I absolutely love my life. I have lots of friends and a very active life, but I love coming home and being alone there. Before menopause I had a strong libido and terrible taste in men, so I had a lot of truly awful relationships, with endless drama.
It’s kind of by choice I guess, though I don’t get offers. A few years ago a guy gave me the eye and I contemplated it, until I caught sight of his bare feet. Oh dear god no. Self-care is important mate, you need to see a podiatrist.
The main con of being single for me is not enough hugs and cuddles. The pros are too many to give up for that though. I get to decide everything and make plans based on what I want. I can fart loudly, talk to my potplants and be lazy without Someone rolling their eyes, it’s bliss.
Hug and cuddle your friends and family! That’s what I’ve been doing and it’s awesome.
And maybe I’m biased because of lacking experience, but a relationship where you don’t (except maybe initially) feel comfortable farting out loud seems unhealthy…
I do hug my friends (and family when they visit from far, far away), I’m very huggy. Cuddling is another level of intimacy though. I do miss it, a bit.
My farts are so loud you probably heard me earlier and thought it was a car with engine trouble.
Short but to the point comment: at 22, you have more than 10 years to have children. Probably closer to 20. Release yourself from the invisible trap you are in.
Add comment