I'm watching a show in which the mother advises her daughter not to ask a guy out because men don't like it if a girl is too forward. In our year of the plague 2023.
<ahem>
Women (who date men): Were you ever given this advice? Did you listen? How in your experience does it hold up?
Men (who date women): Have you ever been asked out by a woman? How did you react? Are you turned off if a "girl is to forward"?
@AdaraAstin as a man, I would love it if indeed a woman ever asked me out, hell, I'd be like 20% more interested if she asked first and probably would say yes.
@AdaraAstin I've been asked out by women and have never thought it's too forward. The only tricky part -- that women experience all the time and men rarely do -- is how to respond if I'm not interested. Since I'm not expecting to be asked out, as a rule, it tends to catch me off guard.
@AdaraAstin I don't think I was advised to not ask guys out. I don't really remember (I'm old). But it was kind of floating around I guess?
I haven't really done it, though because I'm more attracted by the guy's attraction towards me than the guy himself. It's pretty convenient honestly. Hubby asked me out and we've been together 15 years.☺️
I did it a couple of times though. The first guy raped me and I had a one night stand with the second one. Doesn't really work for me, it would seem. 🤔
@RachelC_Y I'm horrified to read that, Rachel. I'm sorry. I hope you've been able to access any support you needed to deal with that. (Is there ever enough support?)
@AdaraAstin oh that's very nice of you but it was maaaaany years ago and I didn't really care even by then. I got sad and scared for a few weeks and then I got better and it was over. I just realised it was not my fault you know? Shit happens.
But I took it like some sort of warning somehow. Maybe go to a guy and be like "hey, you're cute... Wanna f*ck?" didn't set the tone for the kind of respect I was aiming for. So when he started hurting me and I tried to stop it... He didn't listen.
@AdaraAstin
I've been raped a few times in my life (haven't we all?), but that one was the hardest. I ended up covered in bruises. Because I resisted I think?
Maybe there is a lesson there somewhere. I really don't want to but maybe?
Women should be allowed to approach men about sex without them losing respect for us... And without fearing for our safety. But is this really the case? We live in a society. And this society doesn't move as fast as we're hoping.
@RachelC_Y I don't know an adult woman in my life of any age, region or generation who doesn't have horror stories.
I don't think there's one right answer or strategy -- or at least some of us would be unscathed, right? And we'd be sharing the good news with all the others.
We all stay safe as best we can, calculate our own risk tolerance, and live our lives in the spaces we can still find.
@AdaraAstin I have initiated every dating relationship I've ever been in at least since college, except the one where my partner pointed her girlfriend and me at each other and went "now kiss"
About half of those were before I gave up on Being Girl
I honestly don't think I was ever told not to ask guys out. In fact, I think I picked up the implication somewhere that cishet guys who made the first move were something to be afraid of.
@AdaraAstin as far as I recall, most of my relationships (once I left home for Uni!) were of the "waking up together then mutually deciding if we wanted this to be a thing" kind of start, rather than any form of asking out...
...if you want the worst advice I was ever given (it makes me want to barf even now, 25 years later) it was "run away just fast enough that he can catch you".
@AdaraAstin pretty sure my thoughts (which I kept to myself) were "why would I run away when I can sit & talk to someone I like?"
I mean, I'm not saying I have a perfect relationship with my husband, but he is still my best friend & one of the very few people I'm happy to sit & ramble at on any topic from textiles to steam trains...
She was a beautiful and stylish fashion designer several social circles above mine (penniless music student working two side jobs). We'd met through her boyfriend, a classmate. Over coffee, I could tell she was sounding me out but didn't know about what. Eventually, she invited me to be her lover. "Everything," she said. "Bodies."
She was fabulous, but I didn't feel right about it because of my friend. She understood, but it hurt her. Such a brave girl. Circa 1973.
@AdaraAstin speaking as someone dating way back in 1990s Australia (haven’t had to date since), this advice floated about but I was never given it directly.
I was too shy to actually contravene the advice, but my feeling among my male friends was that they would have been fucking thrilled to be asked out.
WAIT! I did once ring a guy in high school to invite him to go to Adventure World (local waterpark and thrill rides) but he stood me up (I think he thought it was a joke. That’s what I tell myself, anyway). Another female friend asked out the drummer of a local band and was nicely turned down. Don’t think either case had anything to do with “too forward”.
Can’t believe it’s still advice in 2023, I thought you were going to say it was from the 80s. A guy thinking it’s too forward would be a red flag for me.
@AdaraAstin I personally would love to be asked out directly. I have been and I enjoy it a whole hell of a lot. I feel more attractive when it happens. I just wish women and men were more direct and open with each other but its so fucking hard.
@gocu54 You've touched on some of the reasons why I ask guys out, Nick. (At least outside the pandemic.) It feels nice, and guys deserve to feel wanted and desired. They also shouldn't be the ones to always takes the risks and do all the work. I'm happy to do my share. 😉
@AdaraAstin You are rare, unfortunately. I've been asked out only twice in 5 years of College and I bet it was really only because at one point, I was the only blind guy at my school until my brothers came over. Freshmen year rreally was fun for me.
@AdaraAstin Well, it seems you are rare in this matter because it seems I have to take the risk most of the time. I'm willing to do it but its such a drag sometimes but hey, I'm a dude and I just gotta be a man because strength.
@AdaraAstin Oh, most definitely. i need to grow in confidence as well so its not all their work. i just need to learn what makes me attractive and use it. First step is knowing what that is which isn't easy as I'm my own harshest critic.
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