Take the juice from one bottle of that Ol’ Janx Spirit. Pour into it one measure of water from the seas of Santraginus V Allow three cubes of Arcturan Mega-gin to melt into the mixture (it must be properly iced or the benzene is lost). Allow four litres of Fallian marsh gas to bubble through it (in memory of all those happy Hikers who have died of pleasure in the Marshes of Fallia). Over the back of a silver spoon float a measure of Qualactin Hypermint extract, redolent of all the heady odours of the dark Qualactin Zones. Drop in the tooth of an Algolian Suntiger. Watch it dissolve, spreading the fires of the Algolian suns deep into the heart of the drink. Sprinkle Zamphuor. Add an olive. Drink…but very carefully."
Synthahol. It would allow alcoholics to drink as much as they want, then sober up immediately when they need to. Also they wouldn’t become alcoholics to begin with, since synthahol isn’t actually alcohol and the human body doesn’t develop dependency to it. Someone in Europe claims to have invented it already and it is already being sold there! Supposedly it gives you the same effects as alcohol, but only up to 2-3 drinks worth, and then it stops working. The FDA won’t approve anything here in the US without tens of thousands of dollars and tons of tests, so we won’t see it for a long time, if ever.
Health authorities in Europe are known for being more stringent than the FDA, so that doesn't quite track. Also, the FDA doesn't regulate alcohol in the US. If synthehol is sold and legally recognized as a foodstuff, the manufacturer would only need to show that it's less toxic than Cheetos or Mountain Dew. Or in other words - it's manufactured in clean conditions and has a negligible LD50.
The FDA might regulate a substitute if it were marketed as a treatment for alcoholism... as a medication for a discrete indication. But it's more likely to fall to a regulator like the DEA (or ATF if they want to get really funky). It could result in a strange intersection of regulatory authority - much like the current thing with legalized medicinal and recreational pot.
And honestly - both instances (pot and synthehol) would come down to a fight over who gets the money we spend on getting fucked up on a Friday night. The alcohol industry has got a near monopoly on that at the moment. That's why a lot of the pushback against recreational legalization of pot seems to be coming from the alcohol industry.
A direct alcohol substitute seems like it would be even more in the crosshairs. Prohibition is the obvious option for the current monopoly industry to push for. If lawmakers leave an opening for medicinal use, the next obvious solution is labeling it as a Schedule II drug where the only legal use would be as a treatment for alcoholism (compare: amphetamines for ADHD or morphine for pain). There's probably enough profit in that indication that hundreds of thousands of dollars to pay for trials would be a pittance for any company that wanted to pursue it as a drug. And the alcohol industry would view that as an acceptable loss of customers who were already out the door.
I’m just sharing what the article I read about it a couple of months said, that the inventor is still struggling to get FDA approval in the USA and it was likely a several years long process. Here’s a different article about it that I just found, but only browsed, but haven’t read in full. The stuff is called Sentia and is available in Europe. Like you pointed out, I’m sure he’ll have a lot of pushback from the alcohol and marijuana industries, and will probably be put through the wringer as a result. Personally I’d love to try it, having given up alcohol myself several years ago, but sometimes missing the relaxation and social elements.
A double standard measure of staol and chilled Shungusteriaung warp-wing liver wine bottoming a mouth of white Eflyre-Spin cruchen-spirit in a slush of medium cascalo, topped with roasted weirdberries and served in a number three strength Tipprawlic osmosis-bowl.
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