TRANS FEM FRIENDS: What do you wish you could say to the person you were before transition who thought it was impossible to ever actually be a girl or be fem?
I sometimes think back and find myself at a loss at what would have supported that girl best. She was so sad, hopeless, and often dissociated or in fight/flight/freeze/fawn over her distress with how she felt like she couldn't fit in the world. And like, I know "it gets better" or "it really is possible" wouldn't have gotten through.
I talk to a lot of young trans folks who go through this still every day, and so would appreciate others thoughts on this!
@JoscelynTransient I would just leave more information about transgender and particularly nonbinary theory lying around where they could see it. I literally have been on the other side of this veil for decades, and until the last 5 or so years, simply didn't have any words or concepts to explain myself. And this is someone who's been well acquainted with queer people for 30 years, surrounded by feminist theory since before they were born, a regular at gender bending WisCon... Like, maybe it was all hidden in plain sight, but the point is -it was hidden-. When I wrote, a decade and a half ago, that maybe I should understand more genderqueer theory, did I really follow up? No, because it wasn't the next thing on the reading list. So yeah, I'd shuffle that reading list around a little bit, give her some things to really think about.
@JoscelynTransient that ultimately things turned out fine. I was so convinced that even expressing femininity would ruin my life. I probably would have transitioned earlier had I not had that shame, but you know, lessons to pass down to the next generation.
@JoscelynTransient For me, "it really is possible" might have been enough. Or more specifically "everything you fantasize about while laying in bed is possible, and not just some sort of facade, actually possible"
@JoscelynTransient I literally walked out of a therapy appointment saying "I'm not a man, and I don't deserve to be a woman."
So I'd tell her in that moment: That's not a valid way of looking at gender! Shitty people don't get their gender revoked! If George W Bush came out as trans, they'd be whatever gender they asserted while still being responsible for a million deaths. So go be a woman! And get some ADHD medication while you're at it.
And I’m just here to say. It’s never going to be perfect. No matter how long you wait, that time won’t come.
And it doesn’t have to be.
The magic of transition, the relief of being free, and knowledge that everything you do moving forward you will do as you will fuel the motivation and energy you need to overcome the obstacles your anxiety anticipated. And yes, there WILL be obstacles. There will be issues. There will be worries. And that’s ok. That’s life.
And that’s all you ever wanted: to live.
The emotions you’ll feel, the tears you’ll shed, the smiles you’ll have, the sisterhood you’ll discover - it’ll all be worth it. I promise.
@JoscelynTransient I'd tell them the one thing they'd find hardest to believe: that I am now happy.
And then I'd give them the one thing they need most in life: a hug.
I wouldn't in one sentence be able to undo their trauma, or give them the bravery they needed to transition any earlier than I did. But making them feel less lost and terrified of their fate? I would love to do that.
The scared 4 yo who cried aerself to sleep for weeks and then buried the insight ae had? What could I tell someone like that, from a point out of the family, out of any support structure? It'll turn out alright, or some such comforting lie, when I look at the trauma, and complete destruction of life dreams that was yet to come? I'd do myself a disservice.
To the teen who wouldn't fit in anywhere, what could I tell myself? And without looking like a creep, over 40, trying to talk about stuff with a teen? Would I even listen?
To me starting university? I might get a chance to come closer now to talk, but deep in denial, playing a whitebread, boring life I wasn't suited for, I wouldn't get through. The fem me was a prisoner inside a golem; the me inside could not hear, the golem shell outside would not hear.
And so things went on. That golem shambled through the years of my life, breaking fragile dreams trying to make them come true, incapable of making it so, and too focused and thick to break through to.
And when I finally could get through, when all the dreams had died, I could sit right beside myself when insight struck me again, looking over the sea. And I could tell myself only that the only choice to live would cost me everything I had left, and it wouldn't just be a possible risk. That my transition would make me capable of having a meaningful relationship, finally, but just that would doom my marriage. That I'd end up a lot different than I thought. I could tell myself that I should make use of any financial security I had there, because that would go, soon.
I could only tell myself that as every year since moving out of my parents' house, I'd continue to be wrong about where I'd be five years on. But also, that I'd live, and would have happy moments here and there. Which, to the person that I was in that moment, possibly could mean the world.
@JoscelynTransient Mine would be very simple and specific. "If you are waiting for someone to die before revealing who you are because you know they will never accept you, well, honey, that relationship is toxic."
The thing is, I was right. My parent's disowned me the moment I came out to them. We were already estranged at that point (for other reasons), which gave me the space to understand that while not having them in my life makes me deeply sad, I could still have a life without them. One I would really want to live.
If this seems harsh, that's because it is harsh. I wish every day I could get a hug from my Mum as my true self, but it will never happen.
If I could have seen the whole shape of this when I was 27 and desperate to transition, maybe things would have been different.
There are quite a lot of us who... wouldn't tell our old selves much if we could, and I know that if I was fully and completely aware I was trans earlier on, it probably wouldn't have turned out well for me. Not in Texas, not in Ohio, and I'm not even sure about up here in Ontario.
If Young!Jen were to absolutely, 100% need to ask, though, I'd at least tell her that it's okay to wait until the right time -- that there's no wrong time to come out except 'never', and that the only limit is the end of our lives.
Sour grapes? Maybe. But I was already disassociating and depressed through most of my teenage years, and certainly having something to pin it on could have gone one of two ways -- probably, knowing myself, for the worse.
@JoscelynTransient Me now to that scared 21-year-old me huddled in her dorm room bed:
“You know you need to be strong to get through this. You are much stronger than you know.
I know you’re hurting. I know you’re scared. I know right now, this feels like a death sentence. It’s the opposite. It’s life; it’s your life, the one calling for you, the one denied you all this time. And, once you’re ready… on the other side of that, to finally live? It is GLORIOUS.
It won’t be easy. You’re going to have to fight for the woman you’re going to become. But it’s worth it. She’s worth it. You’re worth it.”
"The world will not spin off its axis when you come out. Most of yr friends will be entirely unsurprised, to the extent that you will half wish there was more of a fuss/celebration. Also you will gain some wonderful new friends, the trash will take itself out, and yr boobs turn out splendid."
@JoscelynTransient You know, the thing about me is that I'd put most of the pieces together on my own and, at that age (about 23), I was pretty fearless. My partner helped me see why I should be out as bisexual, and I was freshly out and proud. I'd already been someone's maid of honor because I was "the closest thing to a woman friend" that person had. The only thing that held me back was that, when I tried to come out as "androgynous", it wasn't a thing and I couldn't get any understanding.
@JoscelynTransient Not really a thread, but kinda felt I hadn't said it all on re-reading. I guess what I'd go tell myself if I could is just "Don't worry, you really do know what's up and it'll take time for others to as well, but you'll get your shot. Oh, and by the way, here are books that already exist in your time that'll give solid theory to your truth. Your partner would probably even understand you better if you shared this book with them."
@JoscelynTransient I honestly don’t know what I could have told myself that would have made my life better. Society wasn’t ready in the way I needed, and I had to hold it inside until it was (and I was). I tried telling adults I wanted to be a girl when I was 8, but that was 1965 and I consider myself very lucky no one took it seriously, considering the “treatments” at the time.
@dgoldsmith This is the reality for me too. I don't think there's a realistic world where I could have really been support and accessed transition when I was growing up in Nebraska even in the 90s. I would have likely been shoved into some sort of conversion therapy nonsense or something like that.
That said, I do kinda wish I could have cracked my egg a few years earlier than 2019 😅
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