JonBaker

JonBaker, 1 month ago to random

I like to think if I ever meet someone super duper famous I’m going to pretend to recognize them from something really fucking weird/obscure

Like if I ever meet Mark Hammill, that’s not Luke Skywalker (what’s a Star War?), but omg it’s Cock Knocker from Jay and Silent Bob

JonBaker, 1 month ago to random

When u and ur friends vibing and being the same kind of weird

JonBaker, 1 month ago to random

I am running on 3 hours of sleep and I just bought a large freshly-baked oatmeal raisin cookie when I thought it was a chocolate chip I am fully capable of murder rn

JonBaker, 1 month ago to random

If all you have is a Warhammer 40K, every problem looks like a Peacenail 40K

JonBaker, 1 month ago to random

Look, we can’t get off the Imperial measurement system because then Kelis’ milkshake would bring all the boys to the meter

JonBaker, 1 month ago to random

I choose to believe whoever named Twizzlers was having a stroke

JonBaker, 1 month ago to random

Me, all day every day:

JonBaker, 1 month ago to random

I come from a long line of mistakes

JonBaker, 1 month ago to random

STUDIO EXEC: There is no way we can make a movie called “Edward Knifepenis”

TIM BURTON: Let me workshop it a bit

JonBaker, 2 months ago to random

[police interrogation]

COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient

ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?

COP 1: What?

COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US

COP 2: explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department

JonBaker, 2 months ago to random

Not even death is an excuse when you're truly on that sigma grindset

Make arrangements to sell merch at your funeral

You can rest in peace later

JonBaker, 2 months ago to random

[X-Men Interview]

PROFESSOR X: So it says here on your resume you’re a shapeshifter?

INTERVIEWEE: A shapeshitter, actually

PROF X:

I:

PROF X: …I thought that was a typo

I: OH GOD WHERE IS YOUR NEAREST BATHROOM. I GOT A TRIANGLE COMING ON AND IT FEELS POINTY

JonBaker, 2 months ago to random

The greatest prank the devil ever pulled was convincing us all that April Fools was only limited to April 1st

JonBaker, 2 months ago to random

I love the idea of The Riddler about to start some “Riddle Me This” villain monologue and instead of sitting through it Batman just punches him right in the dick and walks away while the Riddler doubles over and that’s the end of it

JonBaker, 2 months ago to random

Baja Blast tastes like a Flintstones chewable vitamin and that's full of vitamins, so I'm hoping it gets me over this cold

Mrfunkedude, 2 months ago to random

I had a friend who told me that she was a vegan not because she loved animals, but because she HATED vegetables.

JonBaker, 2 months ago to random

What in the American-goddamn-obesity-epidemic am I looking at who tf got into my dream journal

JonBaker, 2 months ago to random

Depressive episode? Bitch, these are reruns

JonBaker, 2 months ago to random

I don’t ever worry about my airplane crashing

Either I get where I’m going, or I’m done paying student loans and don’t have to go into work the next day

Win-win

JonBaker, 2 months ago to random

It’s nice that DayQuil gives you a tiny cup, but I prefer to drink straight from the medicine flask

JonBaker, 2 months ago to random

Clown college implies the existence of clown master’s programs and clown PhD’s

JonBaker, 2 months ago to random

This kid has SEEN some SHIT

A picture of a statue of a horse drawn carriage with the kid in the driver’s seat having a thousand yard stare for some reason, but closer up
A picture of a statue of a horse drawn carriage with the kid in the driver’s seat having a thousand yard stare for some reason, but it’s now just a close up of the kid who has SEEN some SHIT

JonBaker, 2 months ago to random

SMURFS: vibing

GARGAMEL: No, fuck you, kill every last one of you fuckers