hampants

iraantlers, 11 days ago to random

how do you call a banana split without a banana?

hampants, 15 days ago to random

It’s hoist ‘n moisten time baby

the_etrain, 1 month ago to random

Her kiss was sticky. I could tell she'd been drinking maple syrup again.

hampants, 1 month ago to random

I traveled for ages, from the edge of the Sagittarius Stream to here, in a deep cryogenic state. I finally awoke to see the dappled oceans of Earth glinting in the light of this warm yellow star. But first I had to dig myself out from under a bunch of frozen hot pockets and fish sticks the ground crew had shoved in there with me.

Alice, 1 month ago to random

My kink is getting naked and holding my breath until I look like Grimace.

hampants, 1 month ago to random

During those times when you see but one set of footprints from your back door to your refrigerator, it was then that I crept in and borrowed your mustard for the kielbasa I was grilling on your grill because when I came back from the Town Pump all loaded last night my propane was empty.

hampants, 1 month ago to random

Kirk called me in to his office. I knew he was gonna ask if I’m the one drawing big turds on all the whiteboards with a note, “Do not wipe off— Kirk”. I quickly crumbled a flamin hot cheeto and snorted it. When I walked in I was bright red, one eye shut, sneezing madly. Kirk didn’t know what to do. I’m untouchable baby.

hampants, 1 month ago to random

I read the life hack about how to open bananas starting at the bottom. I tried a few times but it was super messy. I’m going back to using my fingers.

hampants, 2 months ago to random

Some church people in town found out their pastor had been doing rap shows two counties over as MC ClamBam and now everyone is trying to find out if the lyrics were clean.

hampants, 2 months ago to random

I just saw Lenny Kravitz totally wreck an awesome blossom at the Chilis over by the interstate. When I left he was just sitting there looking out the window, tapping on the table and humming.

the_etrain, 3 months ago to random

When I microwave my breakfast sandwich and a little bit of cheese sticks to the paper towel, that's called "the angel's share".

hampants, 4 months ago to random

Took the wonder wagon to the shop to get a screw pulled out of the tire. Got to talking with a lady there waiting for her Camaro. She said she runs over 100 different web sites about fungal ailments, some even in French! Living the dream.

hampants, 4 months ago to random

The boys all agreed we'd have a "Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas" kind of weekend but the only drugs we can get our hands on are my prescription eye drops and some meat-scented deworming tablets Mick's ex forgot when she took the chihuahua last April. Wish us luck!

RickiTarr, 4 months ago to random

Imagine finding out you're a powerful wizard, and you still have to go to school for 7 years! Also, a guy is trying to kill you the whole time. Are the grown up powerful wizards going to help you? Nope, not really, you have to ask other students to help you not die, but some of them are also evil, sooo watch out for that. But at least you're not living under the stairs all the time, I guess.

hampants, 4 months ago to random

Pumpuminn that rumpaaa!

the_etrain, 5 months ago to random

Perineum punch. Devastating wrestling move, or party drink I wouldn't try on a dare?

hampants, 5 months ago to random

I was arguing with someone on here about snow tires and they just blurted out, "Congratulations, you are the bovine product bought and sold by this capitalist surveillance machine." So, if you're listening Big Brother, I'm still in the market for some affordable all-seasons for the wonder wagon. HMU, you know the number.

the_etrain, 6 months ago (edited 6 months ago) to random

How ya like yer stuffing?

hampants, 6 months ago to random

“The past was alterable. The past never had been altered. Cantaloupe was delicious. Cantaloupe was deadly.” — George Orwell

hampants, 6 months ago to random

Sure, the first version of the cyborg bellybutton implant is big and klunky -- it has to be to pack in all the functionality of a meatware bellybutton. But future versions will be sleek. I'm on the waitlist, are you?

Alice, 6 months ago to random

Seven layer dick

the_etrain, 6 months ago to random

Men who scroll their phone at the urinal. No. Just stop that.

hampants, 7 months ago to random

I raked all the leaves into a pile under the tree where grew the plums you left in the icebox, which, forgotten there, bloom now with rot. It’s cold today. Jumping in this pile of leaves is gonna be so sweet.

hampants, 7 months ago to random

Today:

• just gonna wear the unders
• and eat cheese

hampants, 7 months ago to random

They say everyone is the hero of their own story but in my story I’m more like the forsaken hermit priest living in a treehouse. I mutter something cryptic and incongruous. Surely it will make sense by the end of this thing.