jessica

@jessica@cutie.city

Hello! I'm Jessica, an autistic Brit in their thirties who uses she/her pronouns. I have two pinned introduction toots if you want to know more about me.

Alt text of my profile picture: a cartoon image, from the shoulders up, of a curly brown haired white woman wearing glasses, a purple top, and gray dungarees. Behind are large stripes in black, gray, white and purple, with faint stars.

Alt text of my banner image: a zoomed in photograph of huge green leaves, similar to monstera deliciosa, on a black background.

This profile is from a federated server and may be incomplete. Browse more on the original instance.

jessica, (edited ) to random

Those , do you walk on your tip toes?

jessica, to random

Just spent the past two hours scrubbing away black mould. My arms feel like they're going to fall off :blobfox_dizzy:

jessica, to solarpunk

If I wanted an introduction into where would I start reading, watching and listening?

jessica, to random

Woke up completely knackered and exhausted, so today's going to be fun /s :blob_roll_eyes:

jessica, to random

Not very good at being human today, feeling like an alien on the wrong planet.

jessica, (edited ) to random

EDIT: I made this toot to test out a claim made that @PleaseCaption is not working.

But I tooted the following image with no alt text (have since added it in) and was immediately messaged telling me I needed to add alt text. You can read the full message in a reply to this toot.

So I can confirm the bot is working.

jessica, to random
  1. Napped 😴
  2. Drank an extra cup of my favourite hot drink ☕
  3. Watched some 🎾

jessica, (edited ) to random

When was the last time you went on holiday/vacation?

jessica, to wildlife

Found a white in the dried up bath this morning and I don't know what to do.

Do we leave it there? Do we build it a nest? Build a nest in the bird bath?

I don't know much about so I appreciate any advice, thank you.

jessica, to random

I often think about a day I had a few years ago. I was on a trip as a solo traveller heading to a protest, and I met two women around my age, we were the youngest ones going to the protest and had similar interests, so we kind of grouped together helping each other out and keeping each other company on the trip.

In one day, we ate all our meals together, visited local museums, attended multiple protest points, and had a good time. I did a lot that day that really pushed me out of my comfort zone, but the results were positive and I achieved a lot.

At the end of the day came one of the largest burnout crashes I've ever experienced. I vividly remember closing the door to my hotel room and immediately bursting into tears, then being super confused why - I'd had a great day, after all.

I didn't know it at the time, but it's since become obvious that I was completely overwhelmed, and burned out from an entire day of masking.

Today's not quite been like that, but it's the closest since then. I've felt like I've been running on high alert, riddled with anxiety, and had to keep a good mask on to be "presentable" as I've been interacting with people a lot in person.

The feeling that I need to decompress now is so strong. I think I'll finish off a few things and then switch off for the night, just detatch from the outside world and rest :blobfox_comfy_sleepy:

jessica, to random
  1. Coding went well ⌨️
  2. Napped 😴
  3. Spent time with Dad 👩‍🦲

jessica, to random
  1. Went grocery shopping 🛒
  2. Watched ⚽
  3. Watched movie 🪓

jessica, to random

What I'm getting most from this "Twitter changing its name and icon to X" malarkey, is that hardly any one seems to be using custom icons on their devices :blobfox_shocked:

jessica, to random

Today was a lot. Emotions and social capacity at the absolute maximum. Just too much to sustain as long as I did. Burned out now with a headache.

Decompression time now. It's going to be one of those cozy evenings tucked up in bed, cuddling a cat, and scrolling through Mastodon :patrick_cozy:

jessica, to Jpop

The theme of this week's by @neurothing is: 5 songs that refers to the eyes in their title.

Going / this week!

  1. fayray - Look Into My Eyes: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9FHUHHYVPM0

  2. Maki Goto (後藤真希) - EYES: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6LPUKXnB8-4

  3. Chiaki Sato (佐藤千亜妃) - Bedtime Eyes: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZD84ffQhdwg

  4. Tommy February6 - Magic In Your Eyes: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cALM5xcums0

  5. iScream - Eyes to Eyes: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o82pKIO5vAQ

jessica, to random

Became affected by the negative emotions of someone around me, and now I feel unsettled and anxious.

Going to try and get the negativity out of my system with some stimming, but I wish I could regulate my emotions better, I get so affected by others around me :blobfox_pat_derp:

jessica, to random

Feeling a bit bleugh bleugh.

I was talking to someone who, out of nowhere, suggested I learn a certain system. I replied I actually tried last year and I couldn't wrap my head around it.

They said I should try again and learn it so I could do work in that area. I replied the system may have changed in a year so there's no harm in checking it out again, but no promises on how successful I'd be.

They didn't relent, and stated I should go on a six month course to learn it. I was feeling really unsettled at this point as I struggle immensely with expectations placed on me, so I replied saying not everyone can learn certain things and some things just don't work with people's particular brains.

They said anyone could learn anything if taught properly. I asked them if they could learn C++ from scratch in six months, with me knowing they don't know a single computer language, to which they first replied that they could, before quickly retracting and saying no, they're too old. I just reiterated that my brain may not be able to learn the system, as they continued to stress the benefits of learning it. I managed to end the conversation saying, again, that I'd look into it.

I know it came from a good place, they're trying to help me out. But I have such sticky tangled up issues with expectations. People seem to think I can do anything, when almost everything is a struggle. The anxiety and stress becomes overwhelming.

This is actually one of the more normal expectations placed on me. In the past, I've been told by various people to become a professional chef, work at the UN in New York, become a professional comedian, or get a PhD. Like all those things are easy. As if me, who is barely able to function with day-to-day life, could achieve them.

Again, I know, comes from a nice place of them thinking highly of me, but it makes me feel like absolute crap knowing I am a gazillion miles away from anything like that, knowing people have such high expectations on me I'm never going to get anywhere near.

So yeah, feeling crappy now at those stupid emotions around expectations, which then led me to blundering through a conversation with someone else and sticking my foot in it, making me wish I hadn't said anything.

And people wonder why I'm "antisocial", it's because of crap like this. I was feeling fine until I started interacting with other people.

jessica, to random

Looked through some old diary entries from around this time last year and they're so sad.

"I don't feel like any one understands me. No one truly accepts me for who I am. I don't have such connections with any one. I can't be open and honest with anyone."

"I need to express myself more, maybe it would make me less anxious and low."

"I need to control my emotions better."

"I wish I was just a better person overall."

"I wish I had more control over my emotions, I wish I wouldn't get stressed so easily."

"Even though it may not look like it, I am trying my hardest to be better."

"Angry at myself for being weird and saying things I should have kept quiet about."

"I feel so bad about being me."

"I felt so stupid and like a burden on everyone else. I felt so annoying. I wish I was a better person."

"I need to improve my mental health, but I'm running out of options, having tried so much already and not seeing any progress. It's all so difficult for me, and I wish it wasn't."

I still have issues with low mood at times, but these types of entries were every day for the whole month I read. I was in such a bad place.

I cannot stress this enough: discovering that I'm autistic was one of the best things to ever happen to me. I realised why I felt this way and knew I wasn't alone in how I thought and behaved, and how it wasn't something that I could fix within me because I wasn't broken after all.

Another thing that has drastically changed in my life has been here joining Mastodon and meeting so many wonderful people. I feel like I can finally be my true self and not be scared of judgment, which is what drove me to isolation in the first place.

Thank you 💜💜

jessica, to random

Earlier today I thought to myself "I know what'll put in my three good things tonight, getting to relax in a hammock!"

But then I actually went to sit in the hammock, and although I followed the instructions perfectly, as the fabric was too taut, I immediately span out of it, narrowly missing hitting my head and spine on the metal frame as I landed on the ground.

I've hurt the upper right part of my back, and it hurts to twist, lean or bend over, as well as it being painful to use stairs with my left foot. My back feels really sore and I think I'm going to get an almighty bruise over the next couple of days. The back of my head is also a bit sore, even though it only landed on the grass.

The fabric was then swapped out and this one didn't have the wooden bar (?) across the tops, and although it turned the hammock into more of a cocoon, it was much safer with a significantly reduced risk of flipping because the fabric was loosed due to the lack of the wooden bars.

So, bit of a public service announcement here, if a hammock looks too taut, don't try getting in!

jessica, to random
  1. Watched 🧵
  2. Ate some sourdough bread 🍞
  3. Spent time with my brother (and he shared his bag of jelly beans with me!) 👨‍🦰

jessica, (edited ) to random

I vividly remember regular protests I made as a child about my bedrooms being too light at night to sleep in.

Parent: "But, just close your eyes, then you can't see anything"
Me: But I can! My eyelids don't block out all the light! And the little lights bother me too much to close my eyes!"
Parent: "???"

Anyway, I thought the room I'm currently in was doing a good job at this issue, no little lights anywhere and thick curtains around the windows.

However, I had to roll the blinds yesterday, which usually just cover the top third of the window, all the way up for cleaning the windows. The blinds have a labourious mechanism, and it takes a good minute of constant winding with my hands to roll the blinds up or down. As such, I rarely adjust them.

But because I had the blinds all the way up, I knew I had to roll them back down and decided I might as well release them all the way to the bottom as the effort was the same.

Friends, folk, children young and old, I have to tell you, I slept for an extra three hours last night (!!!)

Even though the curtains are thick, I had no idea how much more light would get blocked by the blinds :blobfox_facepalm:

Was this what I needed all along?? To spend some time and effort rolling the blinds up every morning and down every evening, and I'd get more sleep?? :blobfox_shocked:

Maybe one night isn't enough to say for certain, but I will now trade a spoon in every day to roll those ridiculous blinds up and down in hopes for more hours of sleep :sleepy_pillow:

jessica, to random

Got lucky here!

3/5

🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⭐🟩⬜🟩
🟩🟩⭐🟩🟩
🟩⬜🟩⭐🟩
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

jessica, to random

Oh my gosh, what is going on with Spain in this match??

Japan on fire 🔥

jessica, to random

Okay, so looks like Kane is off?

If so, my draft currently looks like this:

Johnston - Turner

Stones - Gabriel - Estupinan - Chilwell - ?

Mbeumo - Saka - Mitoma - Maddison - Diaby

Joao Pedro - Haaland - Watkins

Problem is that ? in defence. I have 7.5 to spend:

Do I get a 4.5 and sit with lots of money in the bank?
Do I get Trippier now and he sits on my bench for a few weeks?
Do I get TAA and move Maddison down to Eze?
Do I get TAA and switch Chilwell to Saliba?

I don't use Man United players, so Shaw is not an option (also why I don't have Rashford or Bruno).

So many options! 🤯

jessica, to random

Question: for those who sit up in bed a lot, how good/useful/comfortable are those V shaped pillows?

Currently in a phase where sitting at the computer becomes quickly tiring, and I don't have a sofa or armchair in my room, so I've been in bed on the laptop, and wondering if that V pillow I've seen on sale at the supermarket is worth it.

Thanks!

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