I’m trying really hard to objectively gauge Cs pros and cons during this honeymoon stage. I wasn’t sure what I wanted when I met her, although my pattern has pretty much always been to fall madly in love pretty much immediately. So I asked her to be my girlfriend minutes after we slept together on our first date 😅. By that point I couldn’t bear the thought of her sleeping with anyone else, and I’d entirely lost the desire to sleep with anyone else. She clearly wasn’t bargaining for this…
I think she saw me as a ‘fck you’ to her husband who only a couple of months prior had told her their marriage was over. I think I was the first of many ‘fck you’ fcks that she had planned. But then I told her that this felt like it could be something more than that. And she agreed, saying that she had already sensed that that might be the case. And so here we are, two weeks in, boyfriend and girlfriend, steadily fcking each others’ brains out.
I’m still processing what I went through with Red. I made a move on her within a few days of leaving my wife of 20 years. It was passionate, sudden, obsessive and exhilarating. She was 4000 miles away and we connected through a mental health peer to peer support group that she ran on Twitter. I quickly became involved and began running it with her. This was during lockdown. She was married, living with her husband in a small condo.
We kissed through our facemasks. She shook with excitement as I held her. Her eyes were stunning and I knew I couldn’t resist her. We got to the car and she ripped both of our masks off for a passionate, deep kiss. We drove into the city and had our first date - lunch outside a pretty cafe. The weather was beautiful. Clear blue skies. We walked around a park and she admired all of the wild birds that weren’t native to her country.
The next day we traveled to our holiday island where we’d spend the next week. We rented a static home in a beautiful country setting, so that we could be as loud as we wanted. We had an incredible night’s love making to a heavy dance soundtrack. And then there were the first glimpses of trouble.
I’ve been over exercising and starving myself to lose weight. I know that I’m more attractive when I’m lean, so this is all part of looking for validation from others. I know that exercise and love addiction are my means of self medicating for the absence of love from my mum during my early years and childhood, and yet I seem unable to change. I’m also using these things to deal with the pain of my separation from my own kids since the #divorce. At least I’m not medicating with drugs.
@threeofus I can't say I'm 100% there, but for me, it's about caring for myself more, both physically and mentally. I really focus in on skincare, because it's something I can control. I also spend meaningful time alone, like solo travel/hotel trips, so I can get to know myself better and being alone isn't as much of a negative. Counselling was also really helpful.
I remember playing squash with a guy in his fifties when I was 18. We had a drink in the bar afterwards and he explained that he lived alone because he was unbearable to live with. I think I’ve become that man 😬