I always knew I was sex-repulsed with no libido. I didn't know it was a thing with a name, and that other people are like this too, until I saw a mention of asexuality in an article about the local Pride parade when I was 27.
My first relationship, I figured maybe I couldn't get comfortable because he was abusive and my body could sense the evil. But my second boyfriend was a decent person who never did anything wrong. When I woke up screaming from a nightmare that was simply about him looking sad that I didn't want to get undressed... that's when I finally knew I wasn't going to get over it or get used to it or grow out of it.
Over the years more people have heard of asexuality and have some clue what it is, which is nice.
I've actually had one person respond by saying, "But HOW do you LIVE?"
One guy at a kinky venue said, "Why are you even HERE?" but I'm happy to say that guy is a jerk and an anomaly not indicative of the overall scene culture, which is one of the few places I can talk about my orientation and be understood, and not treated like there's something wrong with me. If I tell a kinkster "hugging is an edge for me" they know what that means and how to respect it.
I've been fortunate in that my doctors and mental health folks have been understanding and never gave me any hassle about it.
@RickiTarr I’m both asexual and aromantic, which makes it less of an issue for me. I hadn’t heard of either term before my 30s; it was just a general idea of “not interested—maybe later” solidifying over time to “not for me.” I’m still unsure how big of a role these attractions actually play in other people’s lives and assume that most depictions in media are quite exaggerated for entertainment.
I rarely talk about it offline and only if asked directly. I’ve never had any problems because of it.
@RickiTarr You know, the moment I realized was more a case of realizing there was a word for this. Unfortunately, it was the dawn of the internet and the groomers and pedos were circling.
Honestly, their reactions to my disinterest in sex did a lot of damage to me mentally. Many treat asexuality as a "challenge", or some kind of failing on my previous partners.
I often wondered if the massive amounts of anti-depressants I took in my teens caused sexual dysfunction. Or if it's Catholic Guilt
@RickiTarr Thanks. All considered, things could have been much worse than they were. I learned quickly how to draw very clear and impassible lines in the sand.
@RickiTarr Awkward Sex Part 2! (About that pantry...)
The revelation that something was up was more than that awkward night, of course, but that I didn't go out with boys seeking sex. So I started rejecting advances. Then the conversation of "maybe she's a lesbian" began with my family and friends as girls started treating me like one even though I didn't feel it. Some drama at High School ensued, and then a fight. (Well, a really one-sided one. Me, in a ball and crying while getting hit.) Then the medical questions. It was after hospital visit when I was 15 that led to my hysterectomy, so my hormone levels were questioned next. Granted, I've been adjusted a few times, so other side effects came and went, but my libido was constant. After some reading on the Trevor Project website, I had my answer: even before my teens, I felt a certain way. I never wanted to be a mom or wife. I always saw myself as a single woman with close friends. (Minus the dating, Cougar Town is my goal... But also with less white people in it. And less Florida. Almost zero Florida. Just keep the ocean. And Penny Can. 😆) I know it is silly to base my life on a TV Show. But I'd like to think I know what I want. I think this covers the first two. I knew as a teen but really as a little girl. And people think I'm a broken doll because of what happened to me. Something went wrong, or it has been taken from me.
So for that third prompt: It is nothing to do with meeting the "right boy" or "right girl". It isn't a phase, and I want to be who I am. What happened to me has nothing to do with it, if anything, it reaffirms me. I may not completely know who I am, same for many people, I might never fully grasp that. But I know that denying that part of myself binds me more than anything.
I don't begrudge or want to impose on those who enjoy it. But at the same time, is it so controversial to say that Sex, with a capital S, isn't possibly everything?
I realized that "sexual attraction" is an actual feeling people have and not just thinking someone is pretty/handsome. Whoops.
I don't tell people. I'm a reclusive introvert. My personal details are nobody's business.
Aces are not people with "no libido." Their libidos are generally average. What they don't experience is "sexual attraction." Anyone of ANY sexual orientation can have any level of libido (high, avg, low, no), but only aces don't experience sexual attraction.
When I was 14, back in 2019. I just started to accept the fact that I never had sexual crushes, only romantic ones. It took me until 2022 to accept that I was gay.
A mixed bag, most of the time with my own generation they're cool with it, but older generations are usually dismissive, saying that I haven't found the right guy yet (strangely fine with my gayness?)
Some of us are also part of a different letter! I am Gay too! It's homoromantic asexual for me.
@RickiTarr While absolutely not wanting to devalue anyone's experience, I find it surprising how little anyone in public discourse says even as much as "not everybody is as randy all the time as the people on film and TV, in fact pretty much nobody is".
@RickiTarr if it helps I'm both simultaneously aromantic and panromantic, which is how I kinda experience my weird way of attraction as well. It's hard to explain because when I experience romantic attraction, I experience it at the intensity or even more than the intensity of a typical alloromantic (romantic oriented person who isn't aromantic) person, but to be honest if I wasn't in any relationships now, I would happily be perfectly alone and live alone (well, preferably with friends because medium support at the moment autistic), but how I know I'm at least partly aromantic (or as I phrase it, both fully aromantic and fully panromantic) is that I feel romantic attraction regardless of gender strongly, but if I weren't with partners right now I'd be fine being alone, whereas my heteroromantic/maybe biromantic preferring-boys sister DESPERATELY wants a boyfriend
@RickiTarr Thanks for asking. I read everybody’s replies so far and they are so informative.
I thought in my last relationship that I was Demi, but after that breakup and menopause, I’m definitely Ace. I feel like I’m reclaiming the real me who didn’t care about sex and didn’t feel sexual attraction. It’s such a RELIEF.
I’m not aromantic, however. I’m a huge cry-my-eyes-out romantic, especially movies and books. But it doesn’t mean I want/need that in my life. 1/2
@RickiTarr I’ve started being able to ID other forms of attraction and interest; it makes attraction to people have so much more depth. I can be attracted to somebody’s mind, or what they’re doing in the world, or words that they write, or sense of humor. It has opened up this huge field of living in connecting as human beings that was getting muddied up by sexual expectations. It’s joyful and freeing for me to know that there is nothing actually wrong with me.
@RickiTarr there was a YouTube video (affectionately) making fun of ace stereotypes, and I was like, "ah." (;;;・_・)
honestly, I wish I had known about the various ways to be ace. I'd never really considered myself to be ace until that video, coz I tend to like sex, just, like, as a physical act, like, the way some people enjoy sports, or shopping or something. but I've never found myself wanting to do it with another person, so I guess it turns out I do fit somewhere under that ace umbrella after all??? (^_^)
@RickiTarr okay, so my experience with asexuality is different because my asexuality spectrum identity is technically quoisexuality, and in a way that's both 100 percent asexual and 100 percent allosexual (very hard to explain), but like....what made me realize i was asexual spectrum was that although i do have a libido and enjoy the idea of sex, i can very easily also just. not have sex willingly for years. and not find anything upsetting about it. which apparently isn't normal?
i haven't told anyone outside my friends and partners, who reacted fine, so i don't know!
something i'd like to explain about asexuality is it isn't always cut and dry; sometimes asexuality is ambiguous, like gray asexuality, but sometimes it's also like mine where you're 100 percent allosexual AND asexual at the same time.
@RickiTarr I realized it after years of hearing others talking about how horny this or that one was, while I couldn't go beyond aesthetic beauty. Eventually, I got tired of pretending to share certain ideas.
But I still haven't come out publicly, though.
I have only told my husband. And yes, I am sex favorable.
After two years of dating apps and many more years of my good friends giving me dating tips that felt like an indecipherable foreign language, I typed a question into Google and found a definition of demisexual. Reading the list of traits felt like I was seeing in color for the first time.
It doesn't match me perfectly, but learning about it made my self-imposed pressure disappear, and when I told those same friends, they got it instantly despite both being allosexual.
One of the big reasons it took me so long to ask if there's something atypical with my attraction is that Americans—even non-prudish folks—talk in euphemisms which I always took at face value. Lots of people say "physical attraction" but mean "sexual arousal" which I only ever interpreted as "aesthetic attraction". And since they were never clear, I never noticed the mismatch.
An opposite problem is "celebrity crush," which I never experienced, so I thought THAT was a euphemism.
Knowing has been a source of peace. But since it typically takes me so long to feel sexual attraction to someone (and I am blind to flirting), online dating has proven to be ineffective for me. I don't make a move on the second or third date, so they think I'm not interested.
Everyone I've told has been good about it, though they often have to stretch their imagination to even begin to pretend to understand. 😄
@RickiTarr when I had my first experience(s) I realized that I didn't feel any sexual attraction at all
I can feel pleasure, but having sex feels unnecessary to me and I'd rather not (99% of the time)
I fought myself a lot on this because I thought I needed to be sexually appealing to be loved, but with time I stopped caring!
I've never told anyone, I think... telling a partner would be a challenge for sure, but I have many ace friends who would be very supportive
@RickiTarr
Oh this is complicated.
To start, I identify as "somewhere on the aroace spectrum, maybe?? probably??".
Like many things one realizes about oneself, it was more a long process of self-discovery and, well, kind of self-negotiation? In the "who am I, how do I see myself" sense.
But the thing that probably had the biggest impact WAS Alice Osemans book "Loveless". Seeing the world through the eyes of an ace protagonist trying to puzzle out attraction, that really ... well, got through to me.
I only tell a select few people about the aroacespec parts of my identity, it's ... just not part of my public-facing identity. I do like to keep it a little closer to my chest.
So, when I tell people, I'd say most often they react with approx "Ah, neat!" or "[fun and intense discussion about (a)sexuality, amatonormativity and queerness]", because the people I tell are mostly queer and/or versed in queer topics themselves.
Something I'd like to explain would probably be ... stuff isn't as simple as yes/no, on/off, fits/doesn't fit. There's not The Ace Person, but many different ace and aro and aroace (-spec) people with different experiences and preferences and boundaries.
@RickiTarr I'm demi; tho naturally flirtatious, until the "switch" gets flipped for specific folk I'm functionally ace
it may not take a lot of time/info, but I need more than a body
people have told me being demi isn't real, or "that's how sexuality works"
but as folks thruout my life have gushed over physicality,
I become feral for voices, or their poetry... etc.
some of the kinkiest mfs I know are ace a/o aro
n I've had mind-blowing sex with ace folks
@glitterfizz Omg the kinkiest people I know are Ace. I've been thinking about Demi for awhile and I feel like I'm Semi Demi anyway, I can find people attractive, but sex requires a deeper attachment. Attractive people who are cruel or unkind shut down my vagina immediately, no interest.
@RickiTarr
I always enjoyed sex in my younger & middle aged years. I'd roughly say the last 8 years since I entered menopause. I have no real desire for it. Thankfully my husband of almost 17 years doesn't bother me about it. He's very understanding. Menopause has made sex very painful for me. I have tried some creams etc. Nothing works. My hubby & I have a wonderful relationship despite not having a current sexual relationship. Prior to my menopause we had a great sex life.
@RickiTarr I would say I’m kind of “both sides” as I’m attracted to (some, not all) men and I love romantic relationships between men, but I went through some heavy self-crit and self interrogation and would say I am “political asexual” in that I’m opposed to the capitalization and objectification and oversexualization of especially queer culture - that we’re being reduced to mechanistic roles and validation via a physical attractiveness standard often rooted deeply in harmful ideals/concepts.
@mybarkingdogs Fascinating! And I'm going to think on this, but I do see Queer Culture oversexualized, and no problem with sex, but it becomes the focus so often, when it's just people trying to live their lives.
@RickiTarr And where I’m at there is basically on the ace spectrum so to speak - I’m not absolutely sex repulsed, can feel attraction although I heavily prefer “look but not bother with even trying to get laid and focus on other stuff” because at best the apps, the parties, whatever, is not for me now, and at worst is toxic and harmful to perpetuate.
Like, I wouldn’t mind doing it once in a while if I ever did happen to find the one (and the one would need to be ok with infrequent, obvs)
@cpm I tend to agree, categories are only useful for people trying to understand themselves and to feel less like they are alone and the only ones, otherwise live your truth, no one decides who you are but you.
@RickiTarr didn’t occur to me until relatively recently, because I have been sexually active a good chunk of my life.
I just assumed that I had a somewhat weird libido.
It took learning of the split attraction model and asexual spectrum to realize where I roughly fit.
I still can not definitely classify my sexuality, but it’s somewhere on the gray-ace part of the spectrum.
Being ignorant myself most of my life I don’t have much experience with reactions.
The people knowing are cool.
@RickiTarr I've always had wacky hormone levels. The side effect for me is asexuality. This doesn't stop me from loving and appreciating people who are sexual beings. I still experience a whole range of vivid emotions. Thank u for bringing up this topic.
@RickiTarr Right? I would add the perception sometimes is we have "incomplete" lives. It can get a little complicated for non-binary, non-gendered folk like myself. I have strong maternal feelings so I also identify as trans fem as well, minus the amorous aspects of that identity. I feel very strong feelings of solidarity with trans folk.
@RickiTarr And also, I think one thing which confused me a lot over the years - so maybe this is a thing to explain too - is that I'm still attracted to people. Just not sexually attracted. And it took me a long time to understand why there's a difference.
I have romantic attraction, and I get attracted to personalities and to brains and to (what my mind interprets as) beauty. All sorts of non-sexual attraction. Just without the sex bit. I think, and I'm not sure how this is best identified, I get attracted to people a lot and would really like to spend lots of time in their company. But clothes can stay on and there doesn't need to be anything more intimate than a nice hug. If that makes any sense.
@RolloTreadway I'm not Ace, but I totally identify with this! I am very attracted to creative and intelligent people and it doesn't have to be sexual at all. I've got a lot of Fedi crushes if I'm being totally honest lol
Another one for the list-- Aegosexual, folks that may appreciate sexual concepts and content but only so long as it does NOT personally include or involve them. I enjoy erotica and kink but only in an impersonal way-- zero self-insert fantasies.
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