@RickiTarr I get as much info as I can, &live with that info for a couple of days (if time allows). If the decision is especially difficult, I try to find an opportunity to go for a walk in the woods, or visit a Japanese garden.
But the criteria it really boils to is figuring out, if one choice or the other(s) all go to hell, which set of regrets I would have the hardest time living with.
Sometimes being a true friend means giving advice they won’t want to hear; you can tell the Zieglers the jig is up and it’s time they each resign their respective roles.
@RickiTarr
At critical times of my life, when I had life altering choices to make, I would sit down with pen and paper (and I think the physical tactile act is important), and I would create a Pro column and a Con column.
Then I wrote down every pro and con I could think of.
By the time I was done, I KNEW in my heart and gut what the right choice was. And they proved true.
The very 1st thing is: a difficult and painful decision is one that should be pondered.
Too many people will tell you you have to decide RIGHT NOW. This is a favourite of scam artists.
Take the time to ponder the pros and cons. Then decide.
And I mean this litterally: make a list of solutions and pros and cons for each in neat little columns. The best (or least worst) solution will appear. Then sleep on it. Often, your sleeping mind will also give you an answer.
@ParadeGrotesque@RickiTarr I made this point tirelessly after the big attacks in New York. There was no reason for "immediate action"; no invasion fleet off the coast, no successive air strikes. It was a one-off; there was time to create an effective response. But just like you say, we were being screamed at to do something RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW!!!.
And so the world hatched two pointless, longterm, ineffective wars against uninvolved enemies.
It's just like you say: the only reason for RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW!!! is because someone is trying to grift you.
@RickiTarr
Acknowledge ALL your emotions, sort em out as to which ones you HAVE to deal with NOW, which ones you can deal with LATER, then keep moving forward as quickly as you’re able.
I’m guessing the emotions are what’s making it painful.
Also, it helps to identify anything hanging you up around the topic ‘what will others think’. Screw ‘em. They’re not dealing with your shit, only you have a vote.
Then, don’t second guess yourself when you finally make a decision.
@RickiTarr
I think it's important to remember that, when a decision is difficult, there's often no "right" choice. Many times you need to make an informed guess, and then jump. Waiting for some indication pointing to the right answer just results in paralysis. Accept uncertainty.
No matter what you choose, there will be consequences. Mitigate these by preparing contingency plans (Can you change course later?), and consider bad outcomes (Can you live with the worst-case outcome?).
@RickiTarr Remind myself that I'm going to have regrets no matter which choice I make, and try to imagine myself at 90 and ask my older self what the best course of action is.
@RickiTarr I weigh the pros and cons. Only if I feel like the pros and cons balance each other out do I go with my gut. I also like to rip off the Band-Aid and just deal with it, as stagnation is worse to me than a potentially bad outcome. I hate it when things are in limbo.
Diagram the options and possible downsides of each and decide by process of elimination. Otherwise, the problem consumes me and my mind grinds fruitlessly, endlessly.
@RickiTarr We're all wired differently and this might not be useful for your friend because I'm incredibly pragmatic. But for what it's worth...
My process maps my personal code against rigorously logical analysis of the situation. In other words, the decision must be the most sensible action I can take that most closely reflects and/or least violates my values.
And then -- this is very important, I think -- I give myself grace in the decision because I've done the best I can in the situation.
@RickiTarr Sometimes I'll use some random thing like a coin flip and then notice how I feel about it... relieved, disappointed? Doesn't always make anything easier. Time, writing, dreaming, long walks, meditation
@neontapir@Subumbral@RickiTarr can confirm the coin flip works. When the decision is made for you, you can clearly see how you feel about it. Helps make what the right decision is for you much more obvious.
Analyze all possible outcomes until you're frozen with anxiety, that's the stuff.
But if it's an "either or" situation, flip a coin. You're forced to make a decision one way or another. Stick with what lands or realize that that's not the right answer at the moment.
@RickiTarr I do work thru scenarios. Tell myself stories about what could happen based on the various choices. Pick the story I liked best or hate least.
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