@Daily_Twerk@newsie.social
@Daily_Twerk@newsie.social avatar

Daily_Twerk

@Daily_Twerk@newsie.social

Shaking an arse at the news since 2022.

A satirical, sometimes sarcastic, take on the news, society and current events.

We occasionally tackle serious stories that the big news outlets seem to be ignoring.

#news #satire #fedi22 #politics
http://www.daily-twerk.com

Please consider buying us a coffee using the donate link below.

This profile is from a federated server and may be incomplete. Browse more on the original instance.

davidaugust, to screenwriting
@davidaugust@mastodon.online avatar

In movies, people never give people the charger that comes with the burner phone:

bad guy: keep this with you, and when I call, you answer.

good guy: ok.

(time passes, phone runs out of charge, turns off, good guy can’t find a charger that fit that phone, hostage is toast)

This is a rewrite of an earlier thought I had 😝

Daily_Twerk,
@Daily_Twerk@newsie.social avatar

@davidaugust
We'd like the inside scoop on where movie makers get their warehouse lightning.

They have these lights that make a loud clunk when they come on.

We have researched a large number of warehouses and none make a sound, apart from ones that are flickering occasionally.

Also, who signs off on the construction plans for baddy's lairs? Many have dangerous vulnerabilities that can end up with the whole building exploding. Henchmen should unionise for safer working conditions.
~Leigh

Daily_Twerk,
@Daily_Twerk@newsie.social avatar

@davidaugust
💡 The next article!

Daily_Twerk, to random
@Daily_Twerk@newsie.social avatar

Eclipse 2024; Christians warned insurance policies void if they rapture

Insurance companies in the USA have warned Christians that their life insurance policies do not cover rapture. Their families might be at risk of hardship if they don't all rapture together.

~ET

https://daily-twerk.com/general/eclipse-2024-christians-warned-insurance-policies-void-if-they-rapture

Daily_Twerk,
@Daily_Twerk@newsie.social avatar

@davidaugust
Brilliant.

Daily_Twerk,
@Daily_Twerk@newsie.social avatar

@davidaugust

Have shared this on the Facebook post as well.

https://www.facebook.com/100093398686653/posts/pfbid02FgdTMHYXF1Gj8MDnndGpfpNEKN47vnpBmMpfbmDcy2gTZnNxP3pmeJ4DUAbYyZKSl/?app=fbl

patrickworld, to random
@patrickworld@mastodon.online avatar

It would be cool if everyone stopped trying to come up with a funny gag today 😑

Daily_Twerk,
@Daily_Twerk@newsie.social avatar

@patrickworld

I'm not saying I'm ugly but we used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin the bottle, and if the bottle pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a nickel.

By the time I was 14, I owned my own house.

Daily_Twerk, to random
@Daily_Twerk@newsie.social avatar

Fake News Sites in US Created by Russia to spread propaganda!

Into the depleted field of journalism in America, a handful of websites have appeared in recent weeks with names suggesting a focus on news close to home: D.C. Weekly, the New York News Daily, the Chicago Chronicle and a newer sister publication, the Miami Chronicle.

If you are after and then stick with us.

With apologies to @Free_Press who are a great source of reliable news.

https://mstdn.social/

Daily_Twerk, to news
@Daily_Twerk@newsie.social avatar

Twitter/X outage almost goes unnoticed

In the outage affecting a number of Social Media sites today, only the few hundred X users were inconvenienced. The stats show the numbers of affected people and X were very few compared to the hundreds of thousands for other systems.
Presumably reflecting fewer using X.
Mastodon was unaffected.

https://daily-twerk.com/general/twitter-x-outage-almost-goes-unnoticed/

Daily_Twerk, to movies
@Daily_Twerk@newsie.social avatar

Boomers upset over Mary Poppins reclassification

The reclassification of the 1964 children's film has caused outrage, and a few cases of apoplexy in lots of people over 60. The BBFC reclassified the Walt Disney film from U to PG.

People are trying to decide if is wokery, PC madness or a minor change.

https://daily-twerk.com/movies/boomers-upset-over-mary-poppins-reclassification/

jeff, to random
@jeff@honeytree.social avatar

From the who really uses FAX anymore department at https://honeytreetech.com.

or

tell me your of a certain age....

¯_(ツ)_/¯

Scheduled maintenance notice

At 23:30 AM ET the cloud infrastructure supporting our Fax ATAs will be updated.

No impact to availability of the service is expected.
Please contact the support with any questions.

Estimated duration
9 hours and 15 minutes
Components affected
Instant Fax - Instant Fax ATA

Daily_Twerk,
@Daily_Twerk@newsie.social avatar

@jeff
The global fax machine market is currently worth about $898 million and is estimated to grow at a CAGR of 3.6% within the forecast period of 2023–2030.

Who knew!

Tamper proof, can't carry viruses or malware, provides transmission confirmation, still used in legal sphere as signed faxed documents legally acceptable.

Daily_Twerk, to generationx
@Daily_Twerk@newsie.social avatar

Millenial concerned she might be turning into a boomer

#lifestyle #MadeUpNews #millenials #satire #UnreliableFacts

Kylie has a secret that she daren't share with any of her friends. She is certain they won't understand what's happening to her. A recent visit to the doctor didn't reveal anything physically wrong with her, but she knows something is terribly wrong. She has turned to one of our advi

https://daily-twerk.com/advice/millenial-concerned-she-might-be-turning-into-a-boomer/

lowqualityfacts, to random
@lowqualityfacts@mstdn.social avatar

I'm sure they will turn out fine.
https://patreon.com/lowqualityfacts

Daily_Twerk,
@Daily_Twerk@newsie.social avatar

@lowqualityfacts
This is important news and needs an article.

Are you ok if we run with this?

Do you want to be credited as the source with a link to your Patreon page?

KiffinEileen, to random
Daily_Twerk,
@Daily_Twerk@newsie.social avatar

@thepoliticalcat @KiffinEileen

He was accused by 8 women of sexual harassment and rape in 2018.

As far as I can tell no charges were brought or tested in court. I am happy to be corrected if you have other information.

https://www.reuters.com/article/idUSKCN1IR072/#:~:text=I%20did%20not%20assault%20women,called%20inappropriate%20behavior%20by%20Freeman.

https://www.sevenslegal.com/blog/morgan-freemen-accused-of-sexual-assault/815/

Wraithe, to random
@Wraithe@mastodon.social avatar

So apparently having read this, and discussing with my family, we have decided to start approaching the whole thing as a game of “Assassin”

From: @Daily_Twerk
https://newsie.social/@Daily_Twerk/111557091232368285

Daily_Twerk,
@Daily_Twerk@newsie.social avatar

@Wraithe interested in how the rules work.

If someone is profoundly deaf but is in a room when it is played are they out?

Daily_Twerk, to news
@Daily_Twerk@newsie.social avatar

Football club DJ wipes out 7215 people in epic WhamAgeddon

The halls of WhamHalla hosted 7215 new souls last night after DJ Matt Facer played the 1984 Wham song 'last Christmas' during half time at a football match. He is not very popular.

Each year large numbers of people aim to avoid hearing the Wham Christmas favourite between 1st and 24th December. People go to great lengths to avoid WhamAgeddon.

WHAM VIDEO ON PAGE!!

https://daily-twerk.com/entertainment/football-club-dj-wipes-out-7215-people-in-epic-whamageddon/

Daily_Twerk, to news
@Daily_Twerk@newsie.social avatar

Shane McGowan; Doctors stunned that he made it to 65

The sad news that The Pogues front man and drinking legend died today has left music fans very sad. His pioneering fusion of punk rock and Irish music has made him popular since The Pogues burst onto the music scene in the early 1980s.

https://daily-twerk.com/music/shane-mcgowan-doctors-stunned-that-he-made-it-to-65/

Daily_Twerk, to EnergyDrinks
@Daily_Twerk@newsie.social avatar

Mum realises that buying twenty cases of high energy drinks was not a good idea

Being a mother of a large family means being constantly on the look out for bargains. One mother spotted a clearance bargain of high energy drinks that were just past the sell by date. She bought twenty cases think that it would last at least six months.

Trolls say grunt gurgle kratch garg, but she doesn't care.

https://daily-twerk.com/general/mum-realises-that-buying-twenty-cases-of-high-energy-drinks-was-not-a-good-idea/

Daily_Twerk, to news
@Daily_Twerk@newsie.social avatar

Cameron – the comeback car crash

The maxim that criminals will return to the scene of their crime remains true. David Cameron has accepted the position of Home Secretary under Rishi Sunak He is now back in government and has an opportunity to finish off the carnage he created with Brexit.

Cameron was more than happy to come back and trash anything left that was still functional and working.

https://daily-twerk.com/politics/cameron-the-comeback-car-crash/

Daojoan, to random
@Daojoan@mastodon.social avatar

I shitcanned my Twitter 2 weeks ago.

Left behind 30,000 followers.

Only have 1000 here.

But I still get more traffic to my writing...

Which should tell you something about Birdchan.

Anyway, repost to support an indie transgender tech writer and journalist! ✍️🍕🏳️‍⚧️

Daily_Twerk,
@Daily_Twerk@newsie.social avatar

@Daojoan
Welcome.

Never had a presence on the open sewer formerly known as twiter.

Until a couple months ago didn't have anything on FB.

Yesterday was looking at site stats and had over 500 people on the site at one time. Highest I'd ever noticed.

Pretty much all this traffic has been built up from Mastodon postings.

Specialise in and

dangoodin, (edited ) to random

"I didn’t join Mastodon until after we launched 404 Media. I joined, frankly, because lots of people told me that we should. Mastodon had been decried by many (me, previously), as a social media platform that is too complicated or weird to sign up for. I had also convinced myself that people on Mastodon would be mad at me if I made jokes, which has (mostly) not been the case.

I’ve now been using it for about two months and I am here to tell you that it is, in principle, what we should want the internet to be. If you have been remotely interested in Mastodon but had reservations about joining because you thought it would be difficult, confusing, or otherwise annoying, it is not."

https://www.404media.co/mastodon-is-the-good-one/

Daily_Twerk,
@Daily_Twerk@newsie.social avatar

@dangoodin
The good folk of the Fediverse are at least tolerant of Daily Twerk humour.

This was essentially born on the Fediverse.

Most posts go straight to Mastodon, however a few do not. From a previous moderation incident, some articles are a bit too problematic and only appear on the website or another account.

jeff, to fediverse
@jeff@honeytree.social avatar

platforms, and in particular, are simply not equipped with the tools and processes to handle the legal and liability requirements that come with running larger public instances.

The moderation tools are woefully inadequate, and other critical trust and safety tools are completely absent.

This exposes instance operators (in the US at least) to liability, regulation, & enforcement actions.

For example CSAM detection / scanning on the timelines is non-existent.

(continued)

Daily_Twerk,
@Daily_Twerk@newsie.social avatar

@jeff
Is this just on newsie or wider?

Reassuring that this is being looked at.

Presumably difficult for an algorithm to figure the age of a person in a picture; to distinguish between adult content and the stuff we don't want on fediverse

Daily_Twerk,
@Daily_Twerk@newsie.social avatar

@jeff
Was not aware of bigrelay.social, just looked it up.

Still finding out about stuff that makes the fediverse work.

BTW, think there's a bit of friction between the PayPal confirmation page and the return page...

This site can’t be reached
Check if there is a typo in birgrelay.social.
DNS_PROBE_FINISHED_NXDOMAIN

lowqualityfacts, to random
@lowqualityfacts@mstdn.social avatar

I just saw Barbie and I have to admit that they screwed it up big time. I understand all the hate for it now.

Things Barbie SHOULD be about:
-how arming teachers will protect our children
-why abortion is murder
-the undeniable benefits of the patriarchy
-Joe Biden and his secret plot to strengthen transgenders and NATO to ruin America

Things Barbie has NEVER been about:
-pink
-girls

Daily_Twerk,
@Daily_Twerk@newsie.social avatar

@lowqualityfacts

And the conspiracies!

https://daily-twerk.com/movies/barbie-the-conspiracy-gift-that-keeps-giving/

Popehat, to random

If a little voice ever says to you “what if you stopped being artificially polite and just told people on social media what you think, and mirroring their attitude and tone back to them, for a day?” you should drink until the voice goes away.

Daily_Twerk,
@Daily_Twerk@newsie.social avatar

@Popehat never been unduly afflicted with being artificially polite, although am selective over whether I respond.

have only ever once changed my opinion as a result of something possibly someone has posted.

Trying to get someone to behave/think differently is usually a waste of time and all you are doing is confirming your own bias.

I like my bisses and no-one is going to talk me out of them.

lowqualityfacts, to random
@lowqualityfacts@mstdn.social avatar

I owe you all the deepest and sincerest apology. It has been brought to my attention that my facts are enabling fascism and destroying democracy. I am especially sorry for the harmful facts stating that:

-Every month is National Potato Month.
-George W. Bush has a Foo Fighters tattoo on his back.
-Optimus Prime is the only heterosexual Transformer.
-The Lord of the Rings was filmed in New York City.
-Cher’s full name is Chernobyl.

I pray that you can all find it in your hearts to forgive me.

Daily_Twerk,
@Daily_Twerk@newsie.social avatar

@lowqualityfacts
They are more accurate than our

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