@LoganFive@beige.party
@LoganFive@beige.party avatar

LoganFive

@LoganFive@beige.party

I write one liners, two liners, and three liners.
I draw the line at four liners though.

Sometimes I pretend I’m Mark Ruffalo.

Former sketch/improv person. I love #Taskmaster, #OnePunchMan, and #Boundless (the endurance race show).

Pro LGBTQIA+, BLM, anything that involves not being an a-hole.

Pronouns: he/him/his (cis-het, married)

#humor
#humour
#comedy
#jokes
#dadjokes
#puns
#writing
#improv
#sketchcomedy
#standup
#fedi22

This profile is from a federated server and may be incomplete. Browse more on the original instance.

LoganFive, to HashtagGames
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Celebrating Earth Day by not showering, again. But this time for Earth Day.


LoganFive, to random
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Dramarama showed us that you don't need to get your facts straight to have a hit song.

LoganFive, to random
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Wait, wait, wait. This is a rodeo?

LoganFive, to random
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It's no coincidence that 4/20 comes right before Earth Day. First we smoke the earth, then we celebrate the Earth.

CrustaceanSingles, to random
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This isn't really a comic, but who actually cares? I can only get in trouble with myself & I don't really respect that guy's opinion anyway.

LoganFive,
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@CrustaceanSingles I would like more of Captain Birdbeard.

xinicit, to random
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Celebrating Earth Day by getting the barista to pour the coffee into my cupped hands.

LoganFive,
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@xinicit
Celebrating Earth Day by just taking the first parking spot I find for my Humvee.


LoganFive,
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@nlpbot @xinicit OK, I'm starting it with and giving @xinicit the credit since he started all of this.

Alice, to random
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It's a sketch spoofing Shark Tank where I approach the stage with some platters full of delicious burgers and I’m like "I love a good burger, but the beef industry is terrible for the environment and we should all be trying to live a more compassionate lifestyle, so I created an alternate solution to solve this problem!"

And then the sharks try my burgers and are like "This is delicious! What is this made from?!?"

And I’m like "Kittens. It's made from kittens!"

LoganFive,
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@Alice I thought you were going to go with, "Billionaires." And then they realize Mr. Wonderful is missing from the group.

the_etrain, to random
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Responding to annoying unsolicited advice with "are you trying to tell me how to live my life?"

LoganFive,
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@the_etrain My mom then usually responds with, “Yes.”

LoganFive, to random
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I'm going to go ejaculate in a tree's face and see how it likes it.

LoganFive, to random
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Happy 4/20 to those that celebrate! I bought you several snacks in preparation, as per your custom.

the_etrain, to random
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I slightly broke a yolk making poached eggs this morning, and it still turned out OK, so don't tell me 4/20 miracles aren't real.

LoganFive,
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@the_etrain The Chosen One!

LoganFive, to random
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The pollen levels are at: “Stay inside in a hermetically sealed chamber for as long as possible.”

RickiTarr, to random
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What kind of high-school experience did you have? Were you in a clique? Were you popular, unpopular, the coolest kid in your Homeschool? Did you have a sweet jean jacket with patches, or maybe a leather vest? Were you an evil villain or a Mary Sue?

LoganFive,
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@RickiTarr @stephanie
Same.

LoganFive,
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@RickiTarr Do you really read all of these comments??? Oh my dear lord. There are so many.

So, in high school I was this astronomy nerd until a big change happened. I was buying this telescope at the mall, and the most popular (and most beautiful) girl at school was at the mall too with some kind of dress problem. I actually had a huge crush on her. And then I had this crazy idea: what if I paid to get her dress fixed and she pretended to date me. I thought, maybe her pretending to date me would make me popular.

So she agreed and the crazy thing is, it worked! People actually thought I was cool by association. And then I got so caught up in it, I didn't realize that I was missing the best part of the relationship, her. Anyway, we had a pretend breakup, I kept my "coolness," until one night she got drunk and told everyone about what a scam I had pulled. And the next thing I knew, I was an outcast again, but not just with the cool kids. WITH EVERYONE. Even my closest friends. Because honestly, I had turned into a douche, and I had let my friends down and treated them like shit, I let my crush down, all because I had too much of this power go to my head. I deserved all of it.

Anyway, I accept my role as outcast, and then one day one of the jocks started attacking one of my (ex) friend's Kevin just for helping to tutor one of the popular girls, and I jumped in to help him out. It was the least I could do after all the terrible things I had done. I said some stuff about how everything is bullshit and don't blame Kevin for things I had done. And they left him alone. And I left, and something just changed on campus. IDK. People started to be nicer, and I actually ended up dating my crush again, but for real. It was crazy.

And then I became doctor. And now, here I am.

LoganFive, to random
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My posts must really suck. People only give them 1 star.

LoganFive, to random
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I really liked your post about that thing we both like. And that funny joke you made.

LoganFive, to StarTrek
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Rewatching and, I have to say, the one where Picard has a headache for an hour was particularly thrilling.

LoganFive, to random
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I hate when plants ejaculate everywhere and give me a fake cold.

LoganFive,
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Rubbing one’s eyes intensely during allergy season is the closest thing to rough sex: it hurts but also feels amazing.

LoganFive, to random
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I don’t use a Spank Bank. I use a Spank Credit Union, thank you very much.

mentallyalex, to random
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I miss your friendship. I miss knowing someone was there and thinking well of me. I miss you.

We had subtle humor, jokes, and you saw the good in me. I wish I had been enough.

You frightened me. You grew angry and defiant and withdrew from us. Lashing out and aggressive your words became an attack against our little hidden world.

Now, I think shattered thoughts of a pleasant past. Like a painting washed in murky waters, even the bright moments seem drab and worn. My world tried to incorporate you as I am able, I'm sorry it wasn't enough.

LoganFive,
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@mentallyalex Our little hidden world. That’s really what we create with our friends, with each other. And it’s always so sad if/when that world falls apart.

A lovely but sad piece of writing, my friend. 🫂 Sometimes people are only meant to be in our lives for a brief time. I wish I also knew how to keep the painting from getting smeared by murky waters. Maybe with time.
Sending you love.

LoganFive, to random
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Do you think extraverts can become introverts? And vice versa?

LoganFive,
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@Alice I don’t know why my spellchecker doesn’t even identify that as misspelled. That’s weird.

Anyway, an extravert has way more vert!

RickiTarr, to random
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The truth is I've always been an old lady, I want to go to a bar at 4 in the afternoon, and listen to great music, but it can't be too loud, I want a couple good drinks, and leave before it gets too busy, so I can have dinner, and get back home. I need to have plenty of time to watch Godzilla movies in my PJ's, and snug before my first pre-bed nap.

LoganFive,
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@RickiTarr 💜 😍
Oh my…you are hitting all of my buttons. 😉 😘

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