@LoganFive@beige.party
@LoganFive@beige.party avatar

LoganFive

@LoganFive@beige.party

I write one liners, two liners, and three liners.
I draw the line at four liners though.

Sometimes I pretend I’m Mark Ruffalo.

Former sketch/improv person. I love #Taskmaster, #OnePunchMan, and #Boundless (the endurance race show).

Pro LGBTQIA+, BLM, anything that involves not being an a-hole.

Pronouns: he/him/his (cis-het, married)

#humor
#humour
#comedy
#jokes
#dadjokes
#puns
#writing
#improv
#sketchcomedy
#standup
#fedi22

This profile is from a federated server and may be incomplete. Browse more on the original instance.

LoganFive, to random
@LoganFive@beige.party avatar

If “fight or flight” comes from our lizard brain, shouldn’t it be called “brawl or crawl”?

LoganFive, to random
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Just try walking a mile in my shoes first. Also, here, go a mile in my shirt. And a mile in my pants, socks, shoes. Great, you’ve got this. I’m gonna take off now.

LoganFive, to random
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"Sanity is not statistical."
-Winston, 1984

LoganFive, to random
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What's it called when you are tired of being overwhelmed all the time and tired of everything turning to shit, and tired of people being stupid ,and you finally just wig out over the smallest thing because you just can't take it anymore?

Because yeah, that.

mentallyalex, to random
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Alex may be rated TV-MA and not suitable for all audiences.

LoganFive,
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@mentallyalex Musing Audiences?

tayfonay, to random
@tayfonay@beige.party avatar

I blocked a friend on Signal today who has, once again, fallen off the face of the Earth. Her life is very chaotic, and I've tried to be understanding for the last...3 years? And I just can't fuckin' do it any more. If she wants to talk to me, she can call me. Our friendship took a turn during COVID when I mailed her a birthday card, and she admitted to me that she only opened it like 5 months later because it got buried in a stack of mail. I can put her on the pile of "friends" I've had over the years who seem to grow tired of me.

LoganFive,
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@mentallyalex @tayfonay
Yes, all of this.

I have had a lot of friends that also seemed to get tired of me as well. One-sided relationships don’t really work. I feel for you. And I loved this exchange.

LoganFive,
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@mentallyalex @tayfonay ❤️ I love how you put that.

RickiTarr, to random
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If you're like me, and Mother's Day is a rough day for you. I'm thinking of you, and I hope it's a good day anyway.

LoganFive,
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@RickiTarr :bear_hugs:

RickiTarr, to random
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You are going to make love to a Cereal Mascot, who do you choose?

I'm going Snap, Crackle, & Pop.

LoganFive,
@LoganFive@beige.party avatar

@RickiTarr It's very male-centric isn't it? I did see a Disney Princess cereal with Jasmine on it. That would work for me.

For a lot of the mascots it seems like a game to find out what would be the least complicated/painful.

LoganFive, to random
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If you look up "snazzy" in a thesaurus, you get "jazzy" and "pizzazzy," and i just think more words should work this way.

LoganFive, to random
@LoganFive@beige.party avatar

What they say: Make this delicious and healthy dish easily in just a few minutes!

What the instructions say: Follow these 20 steps exactly. 50 ingredients will be needed, and 3 cooking tools you’ve never heard of.

Alice, to random
@Alice@beige.party avatar

More like aurora boring Alice.

JK, I'm just jealous because I can't see anything in the Bay Area.

LoganFive,
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@Alice I can’t believe this. I can’t see shit. I’m unsubscribing from the sun.

StefanThinks, to random
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We have never seen our own buttholes with our own eyes firsthand, we just have to take it on faith that we actually have one.

LoganFive,
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@StefanThinks A shit of faith, every day.

LoganFive, to random
@LoganFive@beige.party avatar

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.
And your frienemies somewhere in the middle.

tayfonay, to random
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Saturday is my 16 year wedding anniversary and the "traditional" gift is wax, so I'm thinking of leaving some used Q-tips in the bathroom

LoganFive,
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@tayfonay All the ear wax fetishists enter the chat

Congrats on surviving for so long!

LoganFive,
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@tayfonay I mean, I just assume there’s always someone who has fetish for anything we can think of.

“I’m really into Latinas with a right arm slightly longer than the left arm.”

RickiTarr, to random
@RickiTarr@beige.party avatar

What cracks me up is when you go to a restaurant, and they ask if you've been there before, and then they say, "Well, we do things a little different here", and then it's exactly like every other restaurant, but more expensive.

LoganFive,
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@RickiTarr Welcome to the Pasta Dome! Battle with other guests to see which meal you end up with!

the_etrain, to random
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It's one of those days where I could start running like Forrest Gump. But, I know I'd just turn around as soon as I hit a red state.

LoganFive,
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@the_etrain @LikeItOrLumpIt Oh man, if Annie’s going, I want to come too. Let’s just go get away from everything.

LoganFive, to random
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Just like a broken toilet, most problems in life can be solved if you jiggle them.

LoganFive, to random
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For those of you still masking up like me, I wanted to ask, how do you deal with in-person job interviews? Or how would you approach it?

-Do you wear the mask the whole time? Or do you feel out the situation?
-Do you mention the mask at all?
-Do you just pass on the job if they want an in-person interview?

Saltssaltgirl, to random
@Saltssaltgirl@mas.to avatar

I’m not sure why my friends & family think I’m in charge of the calendar, but I’ll be apologizing for it anyway, because today is my birthday, it’s Teacher’s Appreciation Week, & Mother’s Day is Sunday.

LoganFive,
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@Saltssaltgirl
Joyous anniversary of your uterine escape!
And thank you for your dedicated service to the students who desperately need you.
Are you a mother as well? If so, then joyous celebration of the ejection of micro humans from your uterus!

the_etrain, to random
@the_etrain@beige.party avatar

Is there a law that car dealerships aren't allowed to spend more than $300 on their commercials?

LoganFive,
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@the_etrain I think there is also a minimum flag count required as well.

LoganFive, to random
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"Good news! We turned on notifications of everything you're not interested in! If you'd like to opt out, follow this elaborate maze of the Minotaur."
-Every Company Everywhere

the_etrain, to random
@the_etrain@beige.party avatar

Bird flu
⬇️
Cow flu
⬇️
People flu
⬇️
Cat flu
⬇️
Then we're back to bird flu, probably

LoganFive,
@LoganFive@beige.party avatar

@the_etrain I do kind of feel we should just start abbreviating them.
Blu
Clu
Plu
Clu…shit. Ok, that didn’t work.

StefanThinks, to random
@StefanThinks@beige.party avatar

Missing @Bigthinkingcap 🫶🏼

LoganFive,
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@StefanThinks @the_etrain @DemocracySpot @Bigthinkingcap

Were there indicators that…things were getting worse? I know what happened to her husband but it’s possible she just joined a club, a poetry writing group? Idk. I’m trying to be hopeful here.

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